Of Child Loss, Pandemics and Panic

Child loss has changed me in ways that continue to unfold even years later.

As pandemic and panic sweep the world, my heart has been both more anxious and less anxious at precisely the same moment.

I’ve experienced more generalized dread and unease fed by media frenzy, friends’ posts and comments and the other-worldly photos of empty streets in big cities and families hanging out balcony windows in Italy and Spain.

Coronavirus: Quarantined Italians sing their hearts out. It's ...

Trauma from sudden death has left its mark and societal panic is is ripping open the wound.

The thin layer that protects my heart most days is wearing thinner.

When the thing you think won’t happen DOES happen, you simply can’t find solace in platitudes or pithy prayers or puny human promises that “every little thing will be all right”.

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In a perverse twist, knowing the worst HAS happened, makes me less apprehensive about the future.

I’ve given up the idea that protection is guaranteed by doing all the right things or following all the rules or obeying every law.

Oh, we still do all that!

We are washing our hands, practicing social distancing and limiting necessary trips to anywhere. But my faith is not in any of those things to necessarily keep this silent, creeping evil from my doorstep.

Some might call it defeatist.

I call it reality.

The hours of each day are filled balancing these two opposite but very much connected feelings. Sometimes I want to crawl out of my skin or run as far and as fast as I can. Sometimes I just sit, waiting for whatever might happen TO happen.

The anniversary of Dominic’s death is less than two weeks away so all THIS is layered on top of THAT.

Honestly, it’s exhausting and I wake most mornings already worn out.

Almost six years has taught me the world doesn’t stop spinning and the rising sun won’t wait.

So here I am.

Again.

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

7 thoughts on “Of Child Loss, Pandemics and Panic”

  1. Yes Melanie this is exactly how I am feeling….the worst HAS already happened and I too feel as though I am spending hours balancing those feelings.
    My careful construct of resilience feels terribly fragile and as the adrenaline of fight or flight seems to be kicking in daily, if not sometimes hourly, mentally and physically it is taking its toll. I’m sure you must be finding the same.
    Take care my friend, God’s peace be with you xxx

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  3. Again, I am always awed that someone is able to put into written expression what is in my heart…..in my thoughts…..Brian will be gone from me 8 years on April 7th….yesterday and forever all at the same time…..

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  5. I have been searching to put a title on what I have been feeling these past two weeks and you helped me do that. I have been through the worst life can hand out and while I worry about my daughter and my grandsons during this pandemic, I don’t fear for myself. 💙☘️💛⚾️

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  6. A couple of things really struck me in this article, the fact we do all the right things and still we we may be struck down with some unforeseen tragedy and these your words…When the thing you think won’t happen DOES happen, you simply can’t find solace in platitudes or prayers or puny human promises that “every little thing will be all right”.

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