Category: faith

Scripture Journal Challenge 2024: Sufficient Grace

Today, before I sat down to write this post, I was out running errands and made a decision due to traffic to go through a parking lot I’ve avoided because of strong memories associated with Dominic.

I was suddenly overwhelmed by grief even after ten years on this journey.

The tightness in my chest, tears in my eyes, empty sickness in the pit of my stomach washed over me anew.

Time, by itself, absolutely does not heal a thing in child loss. It only enables me to develop skills for sublimating the horror enough to walk around among the spared.

But one thing IS better now than way back then: I’m quicker to lean into the strength and grace available to me through Christ Jesus. I’m not as resistant to the idea that my weakness is no impediment to God’s work in and through me.

I’ve stopped asking for relief and now ask for grace to bear up under the pain.

Today’s verses are taken from Paul’s pleading with God to take away what many believe to be a physical ailment-perhaps pain or weakness in his eyes-and God’s refusal to grant miraculous healing.

Three times I begged the Lord for it to leave me, but his reply has been, “My grace is enough for you: for where there is weakness, my power is shown the more completely.” Therefore, I have cheerfully made up my mind to be proud of my weaknesses, because they mean a deeper experience of the power of Christ. I can even enjoy weaknesses, suffering, privations, persecutions and difficulties for Christ’s sake. For my very weakness makes me strong in him. 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I can imagine Paul’s conversations with the Lord.

“You know I’m really on fire for You, Lord. Don’t you think I’d be in a better position to minister if You would take this pain away? It’s distracting and, well, painful! If You will heal me, I can focus on the work You’ve sent me to do. “

~ Paul

I know it’s dangerous to put words in God’s mouth but I imagine (based on Paul’s own account) that God answered something like this: “Paul, you don’t understand that part of the ministry I have for you is a demonstration that My strength is what sustains you. I don’t want there to be any doubt about where the power comes from. I’m not going to heal you but I will give you enough grace to bear up under this pain.”

I don’t think Paul really thought that was great idea-at least not at first. But as he continued to walk with the Lord and experience that sufficient grace, he saw God was absolutely right (no kidding!).

I can attest to this in my own life.

Before Dominic ran ahead to Heaven I was afflicted with a number of health problems that forced me to admit I was not capable of meeting every obligation to and certainly not every expectation of those around me.

I didn’t like it one single bit.

As a self-proclaimed overachiever it hurt my pride to ask for help. But God’s grace eventually worked it’s way into my heart and I learned that physical weakness was truly an opportunity to proclaim God’s provision and sufficiency.

When Dom left us, I was struck down in a whole new way.

But the grace I had learned to rely on for the strength needed to endure physical pain proved more than sufficient for even this awful heartache.

It is still enough.

God’s strength IS perfected in my weakness.

Not that my weakness makes God perfect. Instead it is my weakness that makes God’s strength undeniably and unmistakably obvious.

When I choose to reveal my brokenness, unveil my weakness and testify to God’s sustaining and enabling grace, I proclaim His sovereignty, His sufficiency and His love.

QUESTIONS:

  • When have you had to admit weakness?
  • How has God’s grace met you there?
  • Do you sometimes try to hide your brokenness? Why or why not?
  • Why do you think God is glorified when we allow others to see our weakness?
  • Can you list specific instances when you felt too weak to continue and God’s grace enabled you to journey on?

PRAYER:

Lord, my pride makes me loathe to admit my weaknesses and to reveal my brokenness. I would rather people think I’m strong and unbreakable. But that’s just not true.

Help me embrace my own limitations and turn to You for your limitless grace and mercy. Help me quickly acknowledge that it is Your Spirit that breathes life into my heart and soul and strengthens me to carry on.

Strip me of false pride and bravado that might conceal how very much I rely on You. Make my life an open declaration of Your sufficient grace.

Amen.

You think, dear heart, that you are forgotten because of your nothingness and weakness and poverty. This is the very reason you are remembered.Spurgeon

Scripture Journal Challenge 2024: Life Everlasting

Today’s verses are ones often read at funerals and memorial services to remind those left behind that for believers in Christ, death does not have the last word.

What a comfort!

But it’s also a reminder that the world as it is right now, is NOT the world God intended. He made everything perfect and perfectly alive.

Sin brought death.

Death brought heartache.

And for those of us who have too soon been separated from the child of our heart, we know how very much a heart can ache.

I absolutely rest on God’s promise that there will be a Day when everything is redeemed and restored. Christ’s resurrection is proof that His sacrifice is sufficient.

But even Jesus does not yet (in time) possess the full reward for that sacrifice.

So it’s no wonder we often struggle walking in the here and now while waiting patiently for the perfect hereafter.

We are not the first to wonder just how long we might have to wait! Paul was writing to comfort the church at Corinth. He reminded them of truth. He encouraged them to take hold of it and hide it in their hearts as ammunition against the lies of the enemy of our souls.

 Stay close because I am going to tell you a mystery—something you may have trouble understanding: we will not all fall asleep in death, but we will all be transformed. 52 It will all happen so fast, in a blink, a mere flutter of the eye. The last trumpet will call, and the dead will be raised from their graves with a body that does not, cannot decay. All of us will be changed! 53 We’ll step out of our mortal clothes and slide into immortal bodies, replacing everything that is subject to death with eternal life. 54 And, when we are all redressed with bodies that do not, cannot decay, when we put immortality over our mortal frames, then it will be as Scripture says:

Life everlasting has victoriously swallowed death.[a]

55 Hey, Death! What happened to your big win?

 Hey, Death! What happened to your sting?[b

56 Sin came into this world, and death’s sting followed. Then sin took aim at the law and gained power over those who follow the law. 57 Thank God, then, for our Lord Jesus, the Anointed, the Liberating King, who brought us victory over the grave. 

I Corinthians 15: 51-59 VOICE

Look at that first verse, “I’m going to tell you a mystery…”

Paul reminds the Corinthians (and us!) that what he’s about to say doesn’t necessarily “make sense” in the way a math equation does. In order to lean into the truth to follow, I have to become comfortable with the space between what I can see, taste, touch and feel and what may very well be true but not accessible by my limited physical senses.

That can be hard and uncomfortable.

So often I want tangible proof.

But that’s not how God works.

He asks me to step out in faith and trust His heart even when I can’t trace His hand.

The good news is that the world is not being tossed about in a battle between equals.

There’s no doubt that the final victory belongs to Jesus, the Author and Perfector of my faith.

So how can I arm my spirit against the wiles of the evil one? By studying the Word, hiding it in my heart and choosing-as an act of willful obedience-to believe.

Questions to ponder:

  • Do you believe that Death is defeated? Why or why not?
  • Obviously people still experience physical death. How does that fact impact your understanding of how God works in the world today?
  • What about the mystery Paul reveals is hardest for you to accept or understand?
  • How does the promise that these bodies we inhabit aren’t the last word encourage your heart?
  • What does it look like to live confidently in the hope of redemption, restoration and resurrection?

Prayer:

It’s not always easy to choose life, Lord

Because then we have to struggle with who we are

and why we are, and who you are,

And what to do with who we are,

and why we are, and who you are. 

We have to let you make us new,

and being made anything always hurts.

Father,

Let the morning come in our hearts,

So morning can come in our lives,

And the world that needs a word of hope can hear

‘Death has lost, and life has won.’Verdell Davis, Riches Stored in Secret Places

Please join the conversation as we encourage one another, discuss Scripture and ask questions.

Just remember that THE BLOG site is PUBLIC. My own Facebook page post is set to PUBLIC. So any comments you post there will be visible to ANYONE.

All of the closed groups for bereaved parents are PRIVATE.

Only members can see your comments there.

I don’t want anyone to accidentally post something publicly they would rather remain private. ❤

Fighting For Joy

I’ve had some struggles this past week.

Family is messy.

There’s tension between who I am as an individual and who I am as part of the unit.

I want, above all, to be light, love and life to the people I love and even beyond-to the people I interact with online and in person in more casual spaces.

But it’s hard.

I’ve been reminded that the only way I can remain grounded in this world is to help my heart remember that this world is not all there is.

Heaven is my true home.

And when my flesh is exhausted, frustrated and overwhelmed with sadness I speak truth to my heart until it is ready to hear it.

❤ Melanie

I found that when I received the news of my son’s accident-it was Scripture I had hidden in my heart that helped me stand.

My Bible was available, but I could not open it. My heart was too broken to read.

But the Spirit brought to mind exactly what I needed from the storehouse of Scripture hidden in my heart.

I am still fighting for joy.  

Read the rest here: The Fight For Joy is Not for the Unarmed

Here’s Something to Hold On To When You Feel Like Letting Go

I have to talk to myself all the time.

Literally.

There are some mornings I open my eyes and would do just about anything to be able to stay in bed, hide under the covers and wish the day away.

But I can’t.

So I recite truth until my heart can hear it.  I speak courage to my own spirit.

If you are feeling weak and weary today, may I share a few of my favorites?

Read the rest here: Something to Hold On To When You Feel Like Letting Go

Grief Work Video Notes and Outline

Here is a post that accompanies the video presentation on GRIEF WORK I shared yesterday.

If you missed that post, you can find it here: Grief Work: A Video.

If you haven’t watched the video and plan to, this outline can help you make the most of your time.

If you’ve already watched it and were overwhelmed with the amount of information shared, you can use the outline to organize your own thoughts as you reflect on the content.

❤ Melanie

Child loss is not simply an event that happens at a moment in time. 

It is an ongoing, devastating experience that shatters our hearts, our relationships and our worldview.  It impacts the remotest corners of life in ways we certainly don’t understand nor anticipate in the first hours, days and weeks.  Processing child loss demands time, energy just when we have the least of those resources to expend on anything. 

That’s why I call it “work”. 

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand… there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.

Frodo, Return of the King by J.R.R. Tolkien

I use “grief work” to mean all the ways I (and others) must actively seek to identify, face, process, and ultimately incorporate the feelings, trauma and changes loss force upon us.  ways. 

It is exhausting. 

It DOES get better though.  I promise. 

It gets manageable faster when broken hearts don’t try to run away, numb or distract themselves from the challenge.  Grief will not be ignored or stuffed forever. It leaks out somewhere. 

When we refuse to do the work grief requires, we delay healing. 

Grief Work can be understood best when we consider it within the context of relationship: 

  • Relationship with ourselves;
  • Relationship with others (including our missing child);
  • and Relationship with God. 

And I believe the work is best done when we set aside time, designate space and give ourselves and others grace in the process.

RELATIONSHIP WITH SELF

Nonbereaved parents (maybe us in the BEFORE) sometimes joke that their only job is to keep their kid alive.  Even if we’ve never said so aloud, many of us had days when we counted it joy that we came to bedtime and had successfully navigated potentially harmful obstacles with our children. 

It’s a horrifying shock to our core identity as a parent when one day that’s no longer true.  We begin to doubt all kinds of things about who we thought we were.  It takes great effort, courage, energy and lots and lots of time to examine and ultimately integrate these changes. 

I find it useful to think about the process in several stages that often occur simultaneously and repeatedly:

  • Identify the Feelings
  • Acknowledge the Losses
  • Admit the Trauma
  • Face and Integrate the Changes

RELATIONSHIP WITH OTHERS

So much of life revolves around our relationships with other people-family, friends, coworkers, people we go to church with and even the cashier in the grocery store.  A day can be made better or made awful because of stray words, intentional or unintentional conflict, smiles, frowns and kind gestures or funny stories. 

There are so many ways child loss affects how we walk in the world and it absolutely impacts our relationships to those we love as well as those we simply bump into.

Perhaps most dramatically, it challenges and changes how we relate to our child in Heaven. 

What kind of work is required to move forward in this new reality as a spouse, parent, child, employee and member of the community?

  • Family-Including Our Missing Child(ren)
  • Friends
  • Community
  • The Greater World

RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD

It is common for Jesus following bereaved parents to identify with Christ’s words on the cross, “My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken Me!”.  Or David’s cry, “How long, O LORD?  Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me?”.

Some describe their feelings (especially early into this journey) as anger.  Others say they felt deserted.  I say I was disappointed. 

We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.

~C.S. Lewis, A GRIEF OBSERVED

Learning to hold the truth that this life is painful and the truth that God is sovereign and loving in the same heart is probably the most difficult work I’ve done in this journey. 

It required me to do four things:

  • Admit the Pain
  • Acknowledge Doubt and Ask Questions
  • Access the Truth
  • Appropriate God’s Strength

CONCLUSION

Much of this process is organic and different tasks, challenges and seasons present themselves as a natural outgrowth of time and experience. 

It’s definitely not something you can rush. 

I’ve always said that time does NOT heal all wounds.  But there is no substitute for TIME. 

That’s why you must set aside time to do this work. 

It may be stolen moments for those of you with busy households and demanding jobs.  It may be quiet mornings or silent evenings for those who have more margin in daily life.  It might be a weekly getaway if you live with lots of people and have a difficult time turning down the noise of electronics or incessant “to do” lists in your head.  But you MUST find time to sit with yourself, to listen to your heart and to hear from God. 



You will have to carve out or find safe spaces and find safe people. 

Sometimes it means seeking professional help from a counselor or therapist.

Sometimes it’s a friend or two who choose to walk compassionately alongside and who withhold comment and judgement about things they don’t really understand.  They are a valuable sounding board for the stories we need to tell over and over and over as we strive mightily to make sense again of a world turned upside down. 

Online and in person bereaved parent support groups are wonderful!  That is where I learned the language of loss.  It’s where my experience was validated and I was assured that everything I was feeling was absolutely, positively NORMAL! 

Seek them out. 



Finally, this journey requires SO. MUCH. GRACE! For yourself and for others. 

I call grace the grease for the wheels of relationship.  You are definitely going to disappoint and frustrate yourself and folks you come in contact with.  They, in turn, are going to step on your toes and on your feelings. 

This is uncharted territory for all but the previously initiated and it’s rough going, my friend. 

Try to always assume the best and practice compassion. 

If you can’t muster it, then choose retreat until you are stronger and more equipped to have that difficult conversation or encounter.  But don’t stop communicating.  At least say, “Hey, I am not in a place to talk about this right now.  I’ll let you know when I’m able.” 

No one knows what’s in your heart and mind but you and Jesus.  Give the folks around you a break. 

I am more whole, more at peace and more capable of participating in the life I have while acknowledging and integrating the life I didn’t choose than I was even two years ago.  

My faith is intact. 

My family is learning, loving and living together. 

I don’t fall so deeply into the well of despair as I once did and when I do I can scramble back out again. 

I am not unique or special.  God loves you too.  He will, if you allow Him, bring hope and healing to your heart as well. 

When we dream with God, our dreams-even in burial-are not lost; they are planted. God never forgets the ‘kernel of wheat [that] falls to the ground and dies’ (John 12:24).

What grows from that painful planting is God’s business. But sowing in faith is ours and, like the early disciples, our faithfulness is never sown in vain.

~Alicia Britt Chole, 40 DAYS OF DECREASE


Even on My Worst Days, Mustard Seed Faith is Enough

I didn’t grow up doing in-depth Bible studies so when I “discovered” the Bible in my early twenties, it was an exciting adventure to dig for treasure in the Word of God.

Along with Scripture itself, I devoured book after book on theology.

I could not get enough.

By my mid-thirties I had developed a fairly well-defined and defensible doctrine. I really thought I understood how God works in the world.

Then my son died.

Read the rest here: On My Worst Days, Mustard Seed Faith is Enough

Bereaved Parents Month 2024: God in a Box

I first shared this some years ago as I was beginning to work through the theological implications of a God who did not intervene to save my son.

I thought I understood who God was and how He worked in the world because nothing that had happened to me challenged those assumptions. Things were neat and tidy with clear edges that demarcated “those who love God” and “those who refuse Him”.

But God is not confined to a box I or any other human can construct. He is GOD.

That’s a hard, hard truth to digest but it is truth. 

❤ Melanie

It’s possible that you haven’t thought of it this way, but if you are a believer in Christ and have yet to walk through faith-shattering trials, you may have placed God in a box.

I know I had.

I thought that after decades of walking with Jesus, reading and studying Scripture and wading through some fairly significant trials I had God pretty well figured out.

I could quote verses for every occasion, open my Bible to any book without looking in the Table of Contents, and had something sprirtual to say about everything.

But now, like Job, I cover my mouth.

Read the rest here: God in a Box

Grief and Faith: The Problem of [Un]Answered Prayer

I’m really thankful that more and more Christians are willing to shed false positivity and embrace lament.

Because the truth is lots of stories this side of eternity end in tragedy or at least unmet expectations and sorrow instead of glorious, victorious sunshine and roses.

Crops and marriages fail. Dreams come and go.

We hope for healing but don’t receive it.

Loved ones die.

Let’s just be honest about it-about ALL of it.

❤ Melanie

In the wake of burying Dominic, the most difficult spiritual discipline for me to recover has been prayer.

In part because my heart just doesn’t know what to ask for or how to talk to a God Who has allowed this pain in my life.  

In part because I don’t really have a framework for placing the prayers I want to pray inside my ongoing struggle to commit my future and the future of my family to the hands of a Father Who didn’t step in to prevent Dominic’s death.

I still struggle with this.  

Read the rest of this post here: The Problem of [Un]Answered Prayer

Grief and Faith: Suffering and Redemption

If there is anywhere on earth a lover of God who is always kept safe, I know nothing of it, for it was not shown to me. But this was shown: that in falling and rising again we are always kept in that same precious love.

~Julian of Norwich

Truth is this life is not easy.

There is joy. 

Absolutely amazing awe-inspiring, breath-taking joy.

But there is also suffering. 

Utterly devastating, heart-breaking suffering.

Read the rest here: On Suffering and Redemption

Grief and Faith: Did God TAKE My Child?

I try to share this post a couple of times each year because it discusses a question many bereaved parents desperately want to answer: Did God take my child?

These are my thoughts-ones I believe are backed by Scripture and align with what I know personally about God’s character.

They are the result of many months of wrestling. I offer them in hopes they will help another heart.

❤ Melanie

This is a question that comes up all the time in bereaved parents’ groups:  Did God take my child?

Trust me, I’ve asked it myself.  

How you answer this question can mean the difference between giving up or going on, between turning away or trusting.

So this is MY answer.  The one I’ve worked out through study, prayer and many, many tears.  You may disagree.  That’s just fine.  I only offer it because it might be helpful to some struggling and sorrowful soul.

Read the rest here: Did God Take My Child?