I recorded this conversation with Greg Buffkin from the Empty Chair Endeavor before my life was turned upside down by my dad’s stroke in September.
I had honestly forgotten exactly what we talked about so I was pleasantly surprised when I listened to it last week after it was published.
We covered a lot of ground-what helps, what hurts and what and Who has sustained us both on this journey no parent chooses. We talked about sibling loss and about parenting a child who has lost a sibling. We shared how trauma reshapes our emotions and our bodies.
If you’re looking for a word of encouragement as we plunge into the hectic holiday season, take a few minutes to listen.
I want to edit one thing I shared in the podcast: I’m not sure just when I’ll be able to schedule the 2026 retreats but I pray it is soon!
But one thing I’m learning in this new and sometimes scary world of “official” ministry is this: People don’t know what you don’t share with them.
So today, in honor of Giving Tuesday, I’m sharing again both how the Lord led me to expand what I’ve been doing for the past nearly ten years into something bigger, more far reaching and definitely more challenging AND how you can be part of it.
If you would like to join me in reaching bereaved parents with the light, love and life of Christ, you can do so through this link:
Thank you to those who have already encouraged my heart by giving.
Your choice to invest in spreading hope and light to hurting parents will have eternal consequences.
If you missed the original post introducing the ministry back in August, here it is:
It’s still dark here.
The days are getting perceptibly shorter for those of us tuned in to the turning of the earth and the passing of the seasons.
But the light is coming. It always does.
And that is what I have clung to in these more-than-ten years since Dominic ran ahead to Heaven.That’s what compels me to write.
I want every hurting heart to know that the night doesn’t last forever.
It’s also why today I have something exciting (and scary, if I’m honest!) to tell you: I’ve created an official ministry for the work I do here and on Facebook through Heartache and Hope (https://www.facebook.com/heartacheandhope/).
The Lord planted a vision in my heart awhile ago to expand into new territory.
I am a quiet person who longs only to stay (mostly) in my home and surrounding area. I once loved traveling but now only really enjoy it in the company of family to low-key destinations that afford plenty of space and natural beauty. But I am stepping out into uncomfortable places and trusting my Shepherd King to provide the means and direction to journey on.
I’m not one to appropriate Old Testament verses to justify current choices but I do absolutely believe that He nudges us to spread out and to reach further than we might choose to do in our flesh.
So, like Jabez, I pray:
Oh that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory! Let Your hand be with me, and keep me from the evil one.”
My nearly ninety year old father suffered a major stroke in mid September.
Much like the morning when a deputy showed up at my door and told me Dominic was never coming home, my life was suddenly and drastically changed in ways I wish it wasn’t.
I got in the car, drove to the hospital and suddenly became a full time caregiver.
It’s been a rocky couple of months.
I’ve learned more than I ever wanted to know about navigating our complex healthcare system of doctors, rehabilitation services and finding reliable and qualified respite care.
My patience, self control and organizational skills have been stretched to the limit.
I was forced to cancel several upcoming ministry commitments and am just now beginning to try to figure out how to re-engage directly with parents on a regular basis. I miss that so much!
One of the things I’ve learned since Dominic ran ahead to Heaven is that life keeps coming.
The calendar has no respect for my personal Season of Sorrow or any other, more pressing, stressors being heaped one atop the other. Holidays and birthdays are fixed dates. Babies are born in the fullness of time and don’t ask permission.
I know I’m not the only bereaved parent who is part of the sandwich generation-adult children on one side and aging parents on the other. It is truly a challenging season.
I find many of the strategies and habits I developed while grieving have served me well as I try to navigate a different kind of loss.
Boundaries are so important. I’ve had to tell lots of people that I simply cannot be available all the time. I let text messages go unanswered when I’m engaged in more important tasks. That’s hard and uncomfortable but necessary.
If someone offers to help, let them. There are so many things that only I can do for my dad that when someone offers to do one of the others, I’m trying hard to let them.
I’m honest about the hard.It’s tempting to gloss over or minimize the most difficult parts of our journey. But that’s not helpful for me or for anyone else who might be following my journey. When I share transparently, I encourage others to hold on, knowing they are not alone and give friends and family the opportunity to come alongside and encourage me.
Give grace-to yourself and to others. I don’t always make the best choices and sometimes I say the wrong thing. I get tired and grumpy. I’m human and that’s going to happen. When it does, I need to extend the grace to myself I’d give to someone else.
People are going to offer unsolicited and unwanted advice. They are going to say things that rub me the wrong way. Bible verses and trite, bumper sticker, positive thinking messages have been tossed at me from the sidelines. Our culture insists on bright siding even the darkest and most devastating situations.I try to extend grace to those folks too. (And when I can’t, I mute them on social media and silence their texts and calls!)
I don’t know how long or how hard this season will ultimately prove to be.
But I know that I will survive.
The Lord has been faithful for the more than eleven years since Dominic ran ahead to Heaven.
Who wants to air the good, the bad and the ugly for everyone else to see?
In today’s world where photo filters on our cellphone cameras can turn a pretty rotten picture into a magazine worthy masterpiece no one is anxious to be seen as less than polished and put together.
The pressure is on to pretend that all is well even when all is, well, going quite the other direction.
If you are trudging through a tough patch, let folks know.
You might be surprised by who reaches out saying, “That was me just a while ago. Would you like to know how I made it through?”
If you’ve already walked the long and lonely road of grief, loss, trauma, depression or other difficult circumstance-share your story!
Don’t sugar coat it. Don’t clean up the messy bits. Don’t gloss over the hard spots.
How can anyone learn to walk the hard roads, the rocky paths, the treacherous terrain of life unless someone else is willing to be a guide? And who can trust a guide that hasn’t also made that journey?
Tell it like it was.
Then tell it like it is.
Map the path from there to here.
Shine a light for a soul that thinks darkness is all there is.
When grief was fresh, the pain was raw and my heart was oh, so tender, I desperately needed a safe space to talk about the nitty-gritty of child loss.
And I found it in online bereaved parents’ groups.
I’m so thankful that they exist, that they are maintained by people who give time and energy to keeping them safe and that-for the most part-participants are kind, compassionate and encouraging.
There is something I’ve noticed now that I’ve been here awhile. Many parents tend to drop out of active participation when they get a little further along in their journey.
I long to be enveloped in the sweet peace and safe cocoon of Your people.
But my heart feels oh, so isolated by this great grief it carries inside!
I take my place in the pew and am distracted by the intact, happy families surrounding me. Every bit of chatter about last week’s activities and this week’s plans reminds me I can no longer whisper a reminder to or share an inside joke with my missing child.
Help me come-broken as I am-and offer what’s left of me to You.
Open my heart and apply the Balm of Gilead to my wounded soul.
Speak courage and comfort to my spirit.
Lead the people You call and assemble to practice compassion and to actively reach out to the ones who struggle just to show up.
Thank You for seeing, hearing and loving me even when I feel unseen, unheard and unloved.
There are two ways to deal with the scars pain leaves behind: try to cover them up or display them boldly.
Hiding seems the easier way so many times-because the scars are tender and the last thing I want is to invite more pain. But it takes great effort and is rarely successful.
The edges peek out here and there and then I’m left awkwardly trying to explain how I got them and what they mean.
If I refuse to hide my scars and instead lay them open to the world, I am vulnerable,true. But I am also in a position to help others who are suffering the same pain that etched those scars in my heart.
So I choose not to hide.
I choose to be a lighthouse.
Not because I think I can steer others clear of the rocks of loss and sorrow, but because I want them to knowthey are not alone.
Being a pastor doesn’t mean you come out of seminary with answers to everything.
It doesn’t even mean you emerge equipped for very many of the situations and conversations thrust upon you once you enter ministry.
But I know a lot of folks expect you to be a pillar of strength, a fountain of wisdom, a well-spring of comfort. I’m sure you try to be all those things but it takes years to develop the experience needed to know what to say and do and what NOT to say and do in the most sensitive and painful moments humans face.
So when a thoughtful and inquisitive fellow bereaved parent asked the question below, I found myself REALLY considering the essential advice I’d pass along to a pastor about the unique and uniquely challenging ministry to those whose children have run ahead to Heaven.
It is most certainly NOT exhaustive, but hits the high points. It’s short, succinct and can go a long way toward promoting healing in shattered hearts.
I hope my pastor friends will read it and tuck it away in an easily accessible place. I promise you will need it one day.
I hope my fellow bereaved parents and others will pass it along to pastors they know.
❤ Melanie
This is the question:What advice would you give a pastor to serve, encourage, and walk with a grieving parent? What would you tell them not to do?
I would tell a pastor to:
*Listen,listenand listen some more– without correcting or judging. This is not a teachable moment. Take off the theologian’s coat and put on human flesh.
*Acknowledge the depth of their loss- not compare it or try to identify with it (unless you have also lost a child) and absolutely not minimize it.
*Don’t toss Bible verses– especially those intended to “bright side” their experience.
*Don’t stop checking in even if they stop going to church.If your ministry ends at the door of the building, you’ll lose lots of sheep.
*It will take longer-probably by years-than you think it should for them to return to some semblance of “normal”.Be patient.
*Ask, but don’t pressure, parents who once served(or are serving at the time of loss) if they want to continue serving.Some do,some find it impossible.
*Do not engage in gossip and speculation about “how they’re handling” their grief.
*Educate your congregation on the devastation of grief in general and child loss in particular. (See the story of Jacob-how deeply he grieved when he thought Joseph was dead, what a mess his family was…)
*When appropriate, make space in yearly celebrations or traditions for recognition of those who are mourning and who want to have their child (or other loved one) remembered.
*As time goes on, ask specific questions (How is your grief today? What do you find to be a struggle right now? Could you share something about _____, I love to hear about him/her?) and then listen some more.
If you know them well, you will have many more opportunities to come alongside as a compassionate companion in their grief.
If you don’t know them well or you have a very large congregation, you can still use these general guidelines but also engage the help of someone who does know them and who may be better suited to companion them (with your help and support).
So many bereaved parents struggle with church and with their faith.
Each family and situation will be different.
Reaching out in a timely, encouraging, and understanding way helps them hold onto hope.
I’m no good at what feels like self promotion in an age of influencers and social media personalities chasing after likes and shares. I subscribe to the George Mueller philosophy of ministry which is to take your needs and heart’s desires directly to the Lord.
But I also know that if people aren’t aware of what the Lord may be doing in a particular area, they may be unaware of how to participate in that work.
So in the hopes of giving folks that opportunity, I wanted to share a bit about what’s been going on lately with Heartache and Hope (the ministry) and with the blog.
Soon it will be ten years since I began writing here.
Since that time, The Life I Didn’t Choose has been viewed over 4,250,000 times. There are more than 3,500 entries and some posts have been shared in the tens of thousands. According to WordPress it has been accessed in every country around the world except North Korea. There is no way to calculate the number of individuals and families impacted reflected by those statistics.
I founded heartacheandhope.org in September, 2024 to expand the ministry begun through the blog and to reach out in different and varied ways to bereaved parents, their families and those that love them.
Since then, we’ve hosted four in-person support group meetings including a special “Blue Christmas” memorial service in December.
I’ve hosted and facilitated two bereaved moms’ retreats (three more scheduled for this year) and traveled to Chattanooga to share with a group there.
Through those contacts and events over forty families have been encouraged to hold onto Hope and wait well, leaning into the promises of Jesus that their pain will be redeemed.
We will continue to host the monthly meetings and hope to add a monthly virtual meeting beginning in March. I will travel to Virginia to share at the Our Hearts are Home Spring Conference in April.
I’dLOVEthe opportunity to meet with pastors, chaplains, social workers and those who tend to be with families at the point of hearing “the news”. I am available and willing to meet with others-just message me.
I’ve developed downloadable, printable resources that are available free on the website.
I know everyone reading this is not a bereaved parent but I promise you KNOW a bereaved parent (even if you think you don’t). I also know that both the blog and the ministry have been helpful to other hearts who are living with intractable unsolvable-this-side-of-eternity pain.
I am so, so thankful to every single person who has prayed for me in the more than ten years since Dominic ran ahead to Heaven. Coming up on another anniversary is hard no matter how long it’s been.
I cannot say enough about those who have chosen to walk beside me and who have encouraged me to share my story in hopes of encouraging others. I couldn’t do it without you!
I appreciate the many tangible donations (monetary, time, materials) that have been made to facilitate this work.
You are making an eternal difference, friends!
Lighting a candle is never in vain.
And lighting the way to Hope always bears fruit.
If you want to know more about the ministry you can find that here:
Melanie
thelifeididntchoose 