Even when I can’t see Him, He is near.
Even when I don’t feel it, He is loving me.
Even when my strength is gone, He is sustaining me.
I am not strong, or smart, or brave.
But He is Strength
and Wisdom
and Courage!
Tag: encouragement
No More “Smile and Wave”!
We live in a world of fake smiles, plastic body parts and cheap knock-offs. We’re so used to it that sometimes we can’t tell the difference anymore.
It’s part of our relationship patterns too.
We see someone we know out shopping and toss, “How are you?” at them anticipating the obligatory reply:
“I’m just FINE! How are YOU?” (Said with a deep southern accent and wide, lipsticked smile.)
But then something unexpected happens.
She says, “I’m having a hard time. I’m struggling. This week has been really stressful.“ (Spoken in a whisper, through tears.)
And I’m faced with a choice:
Do I shut her down or draw her out? Do I recognize the courage it took to be honest or do I dismiss her openness as inconvenient and inconsequential?
Me, I’ll take genuine, every time.
I will stop, find a quiet corner and allow her to share as long as it takes. I will pray or listen or hug or console until the storm passes.
Because that has been, and still is, ME sometimes.
Before Dominic left us, if you saw me in the grocery store you would have gotten the answer you expected. My eyes on my list, my head filled with the next thing I was going to do when I left with my buggy full, my heart unbroken and whole-who’s got time for chit-chat?
Smile and wave was standard practice as I moseyed on down the aisle.
Not anymore.
There is nothing, NOTHING, more important than people in this life.
If you want proof, ask a bereaved mama.
Because no one knows with more certainty, with more clarity and will tell you with more conviction that MORE TIME with someone you love is the ONE thing you would give EVERYTHING for-in a heartbeat.
So I will lay aside things and chores and to do lists.
I will give up entertainment and ignore the urge to check Facebook or Twitter.
Because the person in front of me is a gift.
And I want to unwrap that gift and be present for every moment.
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Blessed Assurance
One of the ongoing challenges in my grief journey is fighting back fear.
Fear of what COULD happen, now that I know by experience what it feels like when it does.
So I try to remind myself on a regular basis that my life and the lives of those I love have never been in my own hands:
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Celebrating the Small Victories
This journey is a marathon, not a sprint.
If I keep my eyes focused on the miles I’ve yet to trod, I can be discouraged and tempted to give up.
But if I think about the miles I’ve covered and the progress toward healing that has occurred, I can gain strength to keep on going.
It’s hard.
That’s not going to change.
I have mountains yet to climb. I won’t always be victorious-I’ll suffer setbacks.
But today, I’m celebrating several small victories:
I spent two hours laughing hysterically with a friend over lunch.
We were so loud and having so much fun that the wait staff was undoubtedly convinced we had enjoyed a liquid lunch although we didn’t drink anything stronger than water. And it felt GOOD.
I am teaching again.
Since I was a little girl lining my dolls up for pretend school, my heart has been inclined toward teaching. Through the years I’ve taught Sunday School, seminars, parenting classes, speech classes and my own children from kindergarten through high school. But it’s been awhile-a long while since I’ve had the energy to be the focus of a room full of people. It’s just a small class on Sunday nights, but it’s a start.
I cut my hair.
Now, you are wondering how is that a victory? But in the throes of despair after Dominic left us, I vowed that I would never cut it. Because (this is the biology nerd in me) my hair contained the only cells in my body that would not be shed and renewed. I wanted this physical part of me that existed when he was still here as a reminder of just how long it had been since I hugged him or heard his voice. But the other day I knew it was time. So before I could lose my nerve I did it. And I’m glad. He would definitely approve!
I baked shortbread for my mother’s birthday.
Family celebrations are still very hard. When we are together, the hole where Dominic should be is that much more apparent. And shortbread was one of the only things that could tempt my fitness fanatic son to break training and indulge his sweet tooth. So I haven’t made it since before he left us. But it’s Mama’s favorite too. And I’m learning to experience these memories wrapped up in doing things we did BEFORE as a blessing instead of only as a painful reminder that Dominic is gone.
You may be very fresh in your grief. You may despair of ever making headway toward healing. You may FEEL like you will ALWAYS be held under the tidal wave of sorrow.
It does seem that way for a very long time-longer for some people than others and definitely longer than we would hope.
But please be encouraged!
Your victories will look different than mine, but they will come. If you face the pain and do the work grief requires, you can begin to heal.
No, you will never be the same.
I’m not.
I don’t want to be.
Burying a child has taught me many things for which I am grateful and the pain I carry is a testimony to the love I have for my son.
But I am learning to live again.
One small victory at at time.
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Encouraging Truth
There’s a lot of truth packed into this little verse:
Suffering is hard but it won’t last forever.
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Revelation 21:4 NIV
The grace of God that called me and carries me will restore me.
“Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”
Isaiah 46:4 NIV
He will confirm me-my faith will be made sight.
He will strengthen me.
“I can do all things through Christ[a] who strengthens me.”
Philippians 4:14 NKJV
He will establish me.
“You will be established in righteousness. You will be far from oppression, so you will not be afraid. You will be far from destruction, so it won’t come near you.”
Isaiah 54:14 GWT
And what God has done, no power can undo.
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When Routine Wears You Down: Encouragement for the Worn Out Heart
It may not be this way around the country or around the world, but here in Alabama school has been in session for several weeks and the hot weather along with added commitments makes life a little harder.
After the excitement of posting “first day” photos wears off, routine sets in.
Carpools, music lessons, homework, getting everyone ready to rush out the door...it’s enough to wear anyone down.
That’s when it’s easy to lose sight of what’s important. That’s when the enemy whispers, “You don’t make a difference.”
He’s wrong.
You are shepherding eternal souls.
Don’t give up!
The tyranny of the urgent can push what’s important past the fringes of our attention.
Our vision can be so consumed with the day-to-day until there’s no space for long-term goals or ambitions.
But God has ordained that our children, eternal beings, be set in families.
Read the rest:
Sowing in Tears, Reaping in Joy
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The Forgotten Ones: Grieving Siblings
I am always afraid that Dominic will be forgotten.
I’m afraid that as time passes, things change and lives move forward, his place in hearts will be squeezed smaller and smaller until only a speck remains.
Not in my heart, of course.
Or in the hearts of those closest to him, but in general-he will become less relevant.
But he is not the only one who can be forgotten. I am just as fearful that my living children will be forgotten.
Not in the same way-they are HERE.
They are participating in life and making new memories, new connections and strengthening old ones.
I’m afraid their grief will be overlooked, unacknowledged-swept under the giant rug of life and busyness that seems to cover everything unpleasant or undervalued.
If the course of a bereaved parent’s grief is marked by initial outpouring of concern, comfort and care followed by the falling away of friends, family and faithful companionship then that of a bereaved sibling is doubly so.
Surviving children often try to lessen a grieving parent’s burden by acting as if “everything is OK”.
But it’s not-it is definitely NOT.
Their world has been irrevocably altered. They have come face-to-face with mortality, with deep pain, with an understanding that bad things happen-happen to people they love-without warning and without remedy.
They are forced to rethink their family, their faith and their future without a life-long friend and companion.
Part of their history is gone.
If surviving children are young, it can be so, so easy to mistake the natural enthusiasm and excitement of youth for complete healing. They are often busy with events, education, work and life and the grief they still feel may go unnoticed-even by themselves.
But they need safe, consistent and compassionate care while they navigate grief and the enduring impacts of sibling loss. School counselors, grief counselors or mature and emotionally stable adult friends can be very helpful during this process.
It’s important to be alert to danger signals. Behavioral impacts may present in many ways:
- Anxiety (situational, tests, generalized)
- Risk taking
- Isolation
- Inability to enjoy previously enjoyable activities
- Withdrawal from family or friends
- Depression
- Self-harming behavior
- Drug or alcohol abuse
- Poor grades (may have given up or may not be able to concentrate)
- Extreme concern for other family members and their safety
If you observe any of these changes, get help. A grieving parent is rarely able to be the sole source of intensive counsel for a bereaved child-someone outside the grief circle may be a better choice.
Adult children-even those married and with kids of their own-are also changed forever by saying “good-bye” to a brother or sister. Addiction, depression and physical health issues can surface in the wake of loss.
It’s not always easy to connect the dots back to grief since life is full of stress and strain and they may need help.
My children have been blessed to have friends and loved ones who give them a safe place to go when grief overwhelms them or when other stressors on top of grief make life really hard.
If you know a bereaved sibling:
- Reach out.
- Be an encourager.
- Don’t assume that because time has gone by, they are all better.
- They may not want to talk about it and that’s OK. But if they do, listen. Without platitudes, without judgement-just be a safe place.
- And if you notice something that’s just not “quite right” try to get them the help they may need to make it through this hard place.
Bereaved families are often doing the best they can, but they can’t do it alone.
When you bless my earthly children, you bless me. When you give them space to grieve, you give me space to breathe. When you encourage them, you encourage my heart too.
Don’t forget them.
Please.
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A Little Extra Grace
Each day I am reminded by sights, smells, sounds and memories that Dominic is in Heaven and not here.
But there are moments and seasons when his absence is particularly strong-when I can’t breathe in without also breathing a prayer, “Father, let me make it through this minute, this hour, this day.”
And that’s when I need grace-from family, friends and strangers.
Anyone who knows ANYONE that lives with loss knows that Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays and remembrance days are sure to be especially hard for those left behind.
What some may not know is that there are other, hidden, pitfalls on this journey through the Valley of the Shadow of Death.
For many bereaved parents the beginning of the school year is one of them.
Even though my son was long past school age when he left, that shiny penny newness and promise of another year of school, another step toward maturity and the rest of life, another marker on the road to what every parent hopes will be a beautiful future is a painful reminder that my child won’t be doing anything new here on earth.
And a little extra grace goes a long way toward making this season easier to endure.
- A bit more patience as I walk slowly across the parking lot, lost in thought and unaware you are behind me trying to get on with life or park your car.
- A smile when I accidentally bump my cart into yours in the grocery aisle-having just passed his favorite food or smelled coffee and been instantly transported to his finicky passion for all things caffeine
- Calm responses when I jump to conclusions, cut you off mid-sentence or answer a query with a less-than-kind tone of voice.
Want to be especially encouraging to a parent missing their child in heaven?
- A text or message or a “thinking of you” card can turn a dismal day into one full of sunshine.
- Do you have a special memory or memento you could share? What a gift!
If you see us in these next few days and weeks as thoughts and hearts turn from summer to a new semester, be patient-we are once again reminded that our child’s earthly story has ended.
It’s a hard truth to embrace.
Every. time.
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Encouraging My Heart
It’s easy to be discouraged.
Look around.
If I listen to the news, the world is falling apart. When I look in the mirror-I’m falling apart.
And not a minute goes by that I don’t miss my son in heaven.
But the world-not the WORLD- nor my personal world rests on MY shoulders.
And it doesn’t rest on the shoulders of some ancient made-up god either.
It, and I, were created by and for Jesus Christ. He holds it and me together.
Now Christ is the visible expression of the invisible God. He existed before creation began, for it was through him that every thing was made, whether spiritual or material, seen or unseen. Through him, and for him, also, were created power and dominion, ownership and authority. In fact, every single thing was created through, and for him. He is both the first principle and the upholding principle of the whole scheme of creation. And now he is the head of the body which is composed of all Christian people. Life from nothing began through him, and life from the dead began through him, and he is, therefore, justly called the Lord of all. It was in him that the full nature of God chose to live, and through him God planned to reconcile in his own person, as it were, everything on earth and everything in Heaven by virtue of the sacrifice of the cross.
Colossians 1:15-20 PHILLIPS
So when I lose courage, I will look to the Author and Perfector of my faith. I will cling to the One Who has died, was buried, resurrected and rose to sit at the right hand of my Father in Heaven.
I will take my eyes off the storm and fix them on Jesus, Who calms the storm.
Because He Who began a good work in me, will be faithful fo complete it.
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It Changes Everything
Part of the reason I share my story is to provide insight for people who haven’t lost a child into the hearts and lives of those who have.
But mainly it is to be a voice for and to encourage other parents walking this valley by letting them know they aren’t alone, their feelings and experiences are perfectly normal and that just as welcoming a child into your family is a life-altering event, saying good-bye to a child is a life-altering event.
We do not expect a mom to “get over” the changes having a baby brings to her everyday experience, and we should not expect a bereaved mom to “get over” the changes burying one brings either.
Want to help? Read: Loving the Grieving Heart
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