I’ve had awhile to think about this. Six years is a long time to live with loss, to live without the child I carried, raised and sent off in the world.
So I’ve considered carefully what my “top ten” might be.
Here’s MY list (yours might be very different):
There is absolutely no way to prepare your heart for the death of a child. I have always been an avid reader. Over the years I’ve read dozens of accounts both real and imagined centered around child loss. I’ve seen well-scripted movies and television shows depicting it as well. And, like many parents, I had my moments when I imagined what it might be like for one of my children to leave the house and not return. But nothing-NOTHING–I read, saw or imagined was remotely as devastating as the experience of child loss. In the space of a few words, a few seconds, a single awful door knock, my world was utterly and completely shattered. It’s really no wonder that it takes a lifetime to even begin to put the pieces together.
Most people are doing the best they can to respond to our pain. When Dominic first left us, I was a walking nerve. Anything someone said or didn’t say, a look, a social media post or dozens of other things provoked a reaction: “How could they!?” But eventually, when I was able to think more clearly I recognized they were wrapped in the same protective bubble of “hasn’t experienced child loss” I once enjoyed. How could I expect them to know what to say or do when truth is, I still (to this day) stumble over my tongue when confronted with a parent who joins our ranks. Now I try to receive even the most bumbling efforts as grace gifts offered in hope of encouraging my heart.
Grief lasts longer than sympathy. I’ve written before about the cost of compassion. It’s so much easier to send a card, send a meal, show up at the house or funeral than to walk beside someone for a month or year as they try to pick up and reassemble the fragments of a shattered heart and life. Grief is not the same as mourning. Mourning is a shorter period with lots of outward symbols and rituals that warn others of our broken hearts. Grief is the burden of loss, sorrow, missing and pain that is left behind after everyone else goes home. Grief is lonely.
The circle that will walk with you for the long haul is going to be smaller than you expect and will be comprised of some folks you’d never have imagined. We all have an image of which people will run toward us instead of running away should disaster strike. I did. And some of those folks were there. But others weren’t. After decades of pouring our time, energy, effort, love and lives into more than one church family, I was surprised at who showed up, who stayed away and who was willing to go the extra mile. Of course at the beginning there were hordes of folks and we were very appreciative. But one by one or in groups they quit calling, coming or even texting. The tiny band that has stuck it out is precious. I am so, so thankful for them.
Life goes on without our permission. At first, I just wanted the world to STOP. I wanted every single soul on this planet to realize-at least for a second-that my son was no longer among the living. But of course it didn’t. Not only did the world not stop, it seemed to race ahead. I’ve written before about our family’s busy, busy two months (Graduations and Weddings and Trips, Oh My!) after Dom ran ahead to Heaven. That was just the beginning. In the six years since he’s been gone, there have been all kinds of large and small crises that have rocked our world. I don’t have a pass to slip through my remaining years without trouble or trial.
Loss keeps happening and comes in many forms. Life is risky. If you dare to love, you risk loss. I made a decision early on that I would not cut myself off from those I love in hopes of saving my heart more sorrow. Friendships melt away under the burden of grief. Life circumstances change in unpleasant and unexpected ways. Health deteriorates. Loved ones die. I’ve experienced all these things in the last six years and will experience them until I join Dominic in Heaven. I won’t rail against every one as an injustice or act surprised.
Laughter and joy return if you make space for them. I remember the first time a small chuckle escaped my lips after Dominic left us. It felt like betrayal. How could I laugh when my heart was utterly shattered? Where did that come from? But I learned, over time, that laughing was not dishonoring my son. Laughter is a gift. It’s a way of knitting together some of those broken pieces. It’s a means of allowing light back into a darkened soul. I also learned that joy and sorrow are not opposing feelings. You don’t have to shove one aside to feel the other. You simply have to expand your heart to make room for both. But it IS a choice. I can refuse laughter, joy and light and hunker down with my sadness, sorrow and despair. I have to decide.
The missing never ends. You never reach a moment (as shared by many bereaved parents further along this path than me!) when you won’t miss your child. A parent’s heart carries his or her child as long as it’s still beating. It takes time to learn to live with the ache. It was several years before I could see past Dominic’s absence. When the family gathered the gaping hole where he SHOULD be but WASN’T filled my vision and made it hard to focus on who and what I still possessed. Over time the missing has grown softer. Now, missing Dominic is the background music to everything. A quiet tune I hum in my head that keeps me company all day and invades my dreams at night. .
You will survive if you keep taking the next breath and making the next step. That first day when the house filled with people coming to support our family after the awful news, I kept asking the women sitting with me, “Am I breathing?”. It felt as if the breath had left my body when the life-shattering words fell on my ears and I couldn’t get it back. But I soon learned that broken hearts still beat. The first anniversary of his death I was horrified to realize I had survived 365 days when I was certain I wouldn’t survive the first 24 hours.
Grief is work. But if you choose to face the feelings, spend time dealing with them and allow your heart space and grace to begin putting the pieces back together you will make progress. I have. It has often been slower and more painstaking than I like, but it’s happened.
I’m still learning.
Almost every day I find another place grief is changing my life, my family’s life and my heart ever so slightly. In a few more years this list may be different.
For now, it’s my top ten.
I hope it helps another parent who might be wondering what to expect in this Life [We] Didn’t Choose.
❤
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thelifeididntchoose 
I am 5 months into this lonely journey of grief. Thank you for writing. It brings such comfort xx
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“It was several years before I could see past their absence”. Thank you. I’m 17 months into navigating a world without my youngest and only daughter. Ran away to heaven at 21. I was wondering if there was hope of seeing beyond the tangible space she should be holding. Thank you.
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Thank you for your kind words. They give me hope. Today marks 7 months our sweet Reece departed from this earth. And I’ve had a difficult day but your words help and I pray for all of us on this journey.
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you are all very fortunate that your child ran ahead to heaven and you will see them again. I dont have that. my Lydia didnt believe in God. I willnever see her again. that is why my grief is so so always present that I cant wait to die to be out of this devastating pain
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Sandra I am so very sorry for your loss. My father was an atheist all his life and when he passed I thought the same. I spoke to my priest and he explained that we don’t know what happens at the moment of passing and that being the loved and good man he was I would see him again. Please seek out and talk to someone about your worries and your pain. I am holding you in my heart too.
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There could still be hope. Because of John 3:16, I believe He meets us at that very last moment between here and there and asks the final time will we deny Him. There will be those that will still deny, but I believe the vast majority who did not think He existed will see with their eyes He does and accept Him.
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dearest Sandra – not so fast…….I started listening to many nde accounts ( near death experiences) especially when I am freaking out and desperate, as they would calm my spirit down to hear the amazing stories of accounts of afterlife. One such account ( and theres more) is from
Howard Storm, a professing atheist, once he had died and on the otherside, he was in the presence of not nice entities, after a bit, Howard remembered a song he learned when he was a child when he went to church once, Jesus Loves Me, well, when he sang the song, he was rescued by the Lord! So I believe even a seed of faith will be prompted, even in the foyer of afterlife, and the LORD JESUS SAVES! Our kids are smart and if they at some point learned the message of salvation, to any degree, they will call to the Lord, when in trouble. I am sure. And the Lord is so so merciful, he will run to them. He knew their struggles and pain. Sending heartfelt love to all of us! Luke’s mom FE30
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It’s okay. Lydia must have been very surprised when she arrived in heaven and realized that our loving God understands our limits as humans. Believe me when I say that you will see her again. God made us in his image. The reward for a bereaved parent is immense. Please comfort your sole with this enlightened thought. She’s waiting for you when it is your time. Sending hugs.
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I like your analogy that your child is your background music. I was just thinking of that the other day and how to describe his presence. Good article.
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Thank you so much for this. God bless you and yours.
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Ar four years every life event or date that crosses my mind is still automatically filed into the before she died and the after she died category. I do it subconsciously. At four years people get uncomfortable with the topic, and when her name comes up, as if I wouldn’t —or shouldn’t —still talk about her. The pain does soften and is not as raw, but it is still there like a vivid stain faded by the sun.
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You are so very right! I love the analogy of a “vivid stain faded by the sun”! It’s perfect.
I am so very sorry for your pain and loss. May the Lord give you grace and strength to hold onto hope. ❤
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It’s been a year and almost 2 months since my son ran on up to heaven I feel guilty for smiling and laughing I feel guilty for being here and him being gone and I ask myself why everyday and I ask the good Lord why everyday he was 15 and such a smart and good boy he always tried to help everyone and put everyone before himself your words really warm my heart thank you I’m still learning to expect it but right now I just can’t thank you
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Melanie, since my son Ben ran ahead to heaven, December 15,2017 and I started reading your post on June 13,2018, I feel you have become my new best friend. You write my heart and this one today, 🧡🧡. Thanks for always sharing.
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My Ben left this earth December 15, 2021 and my heart is shattered. I feel and understand every word of this post. I know it will get easier, that I will make it and that “a broken heart still beats.” Thank you Melanie and much love to all my sisters with different stories but the same broken mother’s hearts.
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Melanie, I so love your sweet, honest heart that shines through everything you write. I always feel like I’m sitting in your living room, sharing a cup of coffee with you, reveling in your wise and understanding words when I read your blog posts. Actually, the best way to describe how I feel when I read them is, I feel hugged by you. I feel like I’ve been with another mom who really gets my pain and doesn’t feel the need to fix me. Thank you so much for always putting pen to paper, so to speak, and helping us all carry our burdens with more grace and love.
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2020 July 20 is 29 years since Leroy ran on ahead. The one thing I would add to your ten is thst true, deep healing comes. The horrendous pain is gone, so is the fear that crippled me for many years, his death is no longer the focal point of my life. His memories are sweet. Yes sadness sometimes and tears but mostly just sweet memories of a little boy who lived with us many years ago and is waiting on the farside banks Jordan. Love lives on.
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Thank you for that! I believe that is true. I can feel the change in my own heart even at six years. Leaning into the truth that this life is not all there is and hanging onto the hope of eternity has been my lifeline. ❤
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Well said…sweet memories are what I have ❤️
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Thank you from me too, it’s almost 5 years since Luke chose to go on ahead and I like Melanie can feel a slight change in my heart where he is nestled ❤
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