Yesterday I finished a short video for a bereaved parents event that should have been completed a week (or two!) ago.
I just kept putting it off and putting it off for no good reason other than I didn’t want to do it.
It wasn’t hard, didn’t cover ground I haven’t already explored dozens of times and really only took about thirty minutes to complete including set up and recording.
But I just wasn’t feeling it.
I’ve been more than a little undermotivated these past few months and as I enter what I call my “season of sorrow” marking Dominic’s departure for Heaven, it’s gotten worse.
There have been a lot of changes and adjustments in the past twelve months-some associated with the larger pandemic story and impact and some peculiar to my family. All of those in addition to the usual ebb and flow of grief (yes, even after nearly seven years!) have contributed to a (not laudable) attitude of, “What difference does it make?”.
It’s kind of the emotional equivalent of stretchy pants. It’s easy to ignore a few extra pounds or inches as long as you can still fit in your clothes.
I’m weary of death.
Weary of daily social media posts pitting one “side” against the other as if there could possibly be any “winners” in this awful scenario where the virus is claiming lives and the attempt to limit death is claiming businesses, young folks’ college years and individuals’ mental health as they face isolation and devastation.
I’ve been weepy the past few days thinking of the parents who have had to bury children (whatever age) and spouses burying lifetime partners. I don’t have an answer for any of this except that I wish we would all be more compassionate and less territorial or political.
There is a very happy and exciting visit on the horizon that is lighting a fire under my backside. I hope I can overcome my lack of motivation and choose to lean in and work hard to get ready for it.
I want to, with all my heart.
I hope to, with as much energy as I can muster.
My default (in the past) has always been running wide open.
Let’s see if I can rekindle that flame.
ā¤
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thelifeididntchoose 
hang in there everyone
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I too feel your lack of motivation, itās winter, the pandemic and griefs fault. Life just plain old sucks sometimes and we think whatās the point. Thatās definitely how i felt for this Christmas. My first since we lost our amazing son. But sometimes I do remember Ethanās zest for life and think he would want me to be my normal happy and energetic self. I am doing it for my family šš„ā¤ļøšš»
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You are not alone, Melanie. I, too, am weary. Not sure if it is months of trying to live with restrictions, chronic physical issues ( dental & decision about cancer treatment pending), missing my volunteer work & get together with friends. And always 10 years of missing my son, Connor. His absence continues to permeate. Iām proud of my resilience and how Ihave loved him every day. You are not alone, Melanie. These are the most challenging of days. Xoxo
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This post hit home, as Iāve been struggling with the same thing lately, for so many reasons. But I do think the ongoing pandemic is causing us all a lot of mental stress that sometimes we arenāt even aware of. I do hope this special visitor will help you to run wide open again, at least for awhile. But I do think sometimes we just have to press āpauseā from time to time.
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Oh my gosh Melanie! You described me perfectly. The normal chores of keeping a home going – not doing. Eating and exercising – not doing. Continuing with my closet purge – not doing. I am not doing anything when I get home from work but sit in my chair thinking about all the things I should be doing but I will do them Saturday. Not doing.
How do you light that fire of motivation? Blessing to you. You are the voice to the thoughts in my head. Approaching the first anniversary of when my heart shattered.
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Yes I agree no motivation no joy just do not care and weather is gloomy š and so is my life š
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Not sure what we help anymore I no interest or desire except to stop breathing so I wonāt have day and I can be with my boys
Thatās what I want but itās a decision and difficult.
Trying to find a reason to be here.š
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Would you look at the face on him? ššš Trouble looks as if had been brewing that day with some mischief or other.
It’s hard at the moment just to keep afloat with all that’s going on externally in both our countries and trying to navigate that along side our internal child loss struggle. We’re allowed to back peddle for a while until we can muster up a little more pep. Spring is just around the corner, hopefully that will gives us the spark we so desperately need.
Sending my love across the ocean ā¤
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