Category: child loss

Here’s A Blessing For The Brokenhearted (A Poem)

I’ve kept a little notebook by my rocking chair for decades.

It’s where I jot down bits from whatever I may be reading that touch my heart.

When I was younger and focused on raising children the pages were filled with inspirational and aspirational quotes, Bible verses and poems.

Now the pages are full of laments, reminders of life’s brevity and blessings.

Here is one I really love.

❤

Sometimes I run across a poem that is absolutely perfect.  

This is one of those.  

Blessing for the Brokenhearted by Jan Richardson

Read the rest here: Blessing For The Brokenhearted

Some Unexpected Things Can Make Grieving Harder

No one wakes up one day and just “is”. We become, over time, as our innate nature interacts with the world around us. First our parents and siblings influence us and then school, friends, life experience either gently molds us or pounds us into shape.

Often we get so used to our own way of doing and being we never give it much thought. It’s just “how we are”. We work around our faults and try to use our strengths to our advantage.

Most of us are pretty good at it.

Then something earth shattering comes along and suddenly the cracks are exposed and we haven’t the energy to cover them over.

Read the rest here: What Can Make Grieving Harder? Things You Might Not Expect.

Can I Trust My Child Is With Jesus?

There are many burdens bereaved parents bear in addition to the heaviness of living with child loss.

Some had unfinished business,

some were estranged,

some had harsh words

or no words at all before their child left them.

And some are oh, so afraid that the child who made a sincere profession of faith in Christ might not be in heaven because he or she was living outside the will of God when they died.

Read the rest here: How Can I Trust My Child Is With Jesus?

Ten Ways I Survive Hard Grief Days

My hardest grief season begins in November and runs to the end of May.  Thanksgiving through Dominic’s birthday on (or near) Memorial Day are days full of triggers, memories and stark reminders that one of us is missing.

If I could fall asleep November first and wake up in June I’d do it.

But I can’t so I have to employ all the tricks I’ve learned in the over seven years since Dominic ran ahead to heaven to survive those particularly challenging months.

Here are ten ways I survive hard grief days…

Read the rest here: Taking Care: Ten Ways to Survive Hard Grief Days

Yay For Naps!

Historically many of the most prolific and influential people (think Winston Churchill) have been proponents of mid-day naps.

But for a Type-A personality whose life experience has amplified internal voices that scream, “Make every moment count!” naps feel like being lazy and wasting time.

I have resisted that after-lunch malaise for most of my life because I was convinced giving up an hour or more to sleeping would rob me of vital productivity and mean my list of “things to do” would languish, undone.

Recently (very, very recently-like only a week) I’ve tried to overcome my personal reluctance to give in to my body’s need to rest and have (gasp!!!) been going upstairs, lying down and taking a nap.

I still wake rather confused, disoriented and feeling like I’ve *wasted* whatever time was spent sleeping. But I have noticed that, contrary to what I anticipated, my night time rest has become more effective and restorative.

Like many of my fellow bereaved parents, my health has deteriorated following my son’s death. I was already diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and have been through five different treatment regimens trying to address its insidious, progressive nature in the past seven years. I’m trying to come to terms with what amounts to premature aging and the limitations that represents but it’s hard.

I’ve also (ridiculous, I know!) still not adjusted to the FACT that I don’t have as many daily responsibilities as I once had as mama to a brood of four whom I homeschooled and chauffeured around to various extra-curricular activities.

It’s just me and my retired husband.

We can eat sandwiches or skip a meal altogether.

And if something’s not done today, it can most likely be done tomorrow (or next week) with little impact on the outcome.

I’m trying to embrace a lifestyle where there is literally NO ONE keeping score.

It’s a different kind of challenge.

But one I’m working to meet.

Yay! for naps.

The rest and the spell

❤

Grief Quotes That Help My Heart On Hard Days

I’m kind of selective in what memes I toss around.

I don’t usually share them unless I can agree wholeheartedly with them.

But sometimes a meme is the simplest and most effective way to communicate truth.  And sometimes I just need a quick lift on a hard day. 

So here are a few I like…

Read the rest here: Eight Grief Quotes That Help My Heart On Hard Days

Sometimes People Just Don’t Listen!

This incident happened awhile ago but it still rankles me.

I’m not one to insist we need to self-censor everything we say or share because it *might* offend someone else. That’s just exhausting!

But…BUT…when someone makes me aware that I’m adding to their burden with my words I’m quick to shut up.

Laying down idle conversation is a small price to pay to love a friend well.

❤

I had a very uncomfortable exchange with someone at church Wednesday night.  

We have a light potluck dinner each Wednesday before Bible Study and I’m on kitchen duty.  So I was uncovering dishes, adding spoons and getting things ready when conversation erupted around me about a “horrible wreck just up the road.”

I kept silent and tried to focus on the plastic wrap and aluminum foil but couldn’t help hearing the animated relaying of detail after detail until it reached a crescendo ending in someone declaring that, “Well, those people just drive too fast.  They don’t even care about themselves.”  

You might guess where this is going.  

Read the rest here: When People Just Don’t Listen

Not The Last OR First To Ask, “Why Me?”

If you are new to this journey and still in the throes of asking, “Why ME?” I don’t want my words to feel like a rebuke.

I STILL have moments when I look around and bemoan the fact that it seems (from the outside looking in) other families are sailing through life with little more than tiny bumps in the road while mine is being asked to navigate around (and through!) giant craters with a barely functional vehicle.

But the Lord woke me up one day about eighteen months into this journey with some insight: I’m not the first nor the last mama to bury a child.

Truth is, few of us escape some sort of hardship in life and many of us face tragedy.

It’s hard. It’s exhausting. But you are not alone.

❤

I cannot bring Dominic back-I cannot have my child once again in my arms.  I cannot undo the damage death has wrought and the great gash loss has made in my heart.  

And so I am left with my pain and my questions.

“Why?” is not a particularly fruitful question (although I ask it still).

 “Why not?” is probably more helpful.

Read the rest here: Why Not?

Challenge Accepted: Why Am I Still Here?

Recently I was challenged by someone close to me to examine the impact on my heart of spending so much time in community with those whose loss was fresher and more raw than my own.

They were being neither judgmental nor argumentative.

They were coming from a genuine place of concern, grace and love.

So I took the opportunity to take a step back and reevaluate whether or not I need to continue writing in this space, spend time reading and responding to posts in bereaved parents’ groups and ruminating on how grief has changed over time (now seven plus years!).

It was an excellent exercise.

I looked back over social media posts and blog posts from the half-decade and more since Dominic ran ahead to Heaven. I could trace progress from breath-robbing, body-wracking, all-consuming sorrow to a gentler, muted and tender missing that made room for joy and beauty alongside the ever-present tangible absence of one of my children.

I also noted a transition from “spilling my guts” to “trail guide”.

I’m no longer primarily using this space to release feelings and thoughts I’m not comfortable tossing out in day-to-day conversation. Instead, I’m mostly thinking about and sharing what I’ve learned along the way-pointing out the pitfalls and (hopefully!) encouraging hearts to keep on keeping on.

I’ve given myself permission to repost earlier entries (please note dates when you click through) that represent more raw emotions without making apology for either the lack of time or energy to write something new or the angst I once felt.

I’m also choosing to limit my online interaction to an hour in the morning and maybe an hour in the evening.

I absolutely desire to speak encouragement, grace and hope to hearts that are struggling but still need to guard my own from overload.

And as for friends, family or strangers who think, “Goodness, gracious! She needs to MOVE ON!”.

I say, “How can I hide or hoard this hard-won wisdom and experience?”

This is my ministry.

I didn’t ask for it, but it’s mine.

I won’t run away.

So until the Lord tells me definitively He has another path for my life I’ll be here.

Every morning.

❤

Child Loss: My Child is MORE Than an Addiction

We talk about a lot of things as if they didn’t reflect a real person and a real life.  

Addiction is one of them.  And let me just tell you, every single number is a life and behind every single life is a family.  

Statistics are easy to toss around until one of those numbers represents YOUR child.

My son was not an addict.  He was a health nut.  But he liked his motorcycle and never saw the contradiction between spending hours at the gym then putting that beautiful body on a fast moving, unprotected engine-on-wheels.  A helmet was not enough to save him that night.  

Addicts don’t start out wanting the life so many of them end up living.  

Read the rest here: Child Loss by Addiction