It comes up again and again-and not just for the parents facing their year of “firsts”: How do I survive December with a broken heart?
There’s no single answer or list of things to do that will suit every family.
But there are some general principles that can make even this awful reality a little easier.
Read the rest here: How To Survive December With a Broken Heart
Some of us just don’t like sitting down.
That would be me.
I’ve always got the next thing to do written on a slip of paper somewhere and even if I can’t find that list, it’s hardwired into my brain.
Decades of guiding a busy household have worn ruts in my routine so that after my morning coffee I am compelled to get up and get going.
Writing here has given me a little cushion since some mornings words pour out of me and I have to get them down before they escape my memory. But even so, I might only extend my sitting time by an hour or so.
When the sun gets up good in the sky, that’s my cue to get up too. Animals need feeding and even though there’s only me to feed at home I’m usually cooking for some event or someone else.
So I find it hard to rest-even when I need to and even when it is the difference between getting well and getting worse.
But this past week I’ve had to dial it back-a lot. Some nasty cold took up residence in my chest and traveled to my ears. It was the earache that sent me to the doctor even though the cough sounded like it was coming from my toes and just wouldn’t stop.
Thankfully a wise practitioner gave me the right mix of medicines and sent me home to let them work their magic.
I expected the antibiotics and steroid to kick in and kick that rotten bug right out. But they didn’t. In fact, although the earache dissipated by the next morning, I woke up feeling WORSE than when I had dragged myself to the clinic.
The prescription was clear: Rest was what I needed.
My family very sweetly kept reminding me of that when I forgot (at least once per hour!). But I stubbornly refused to rest as much or as often as I should have.
So it has taken longer than necessary for me to feel better.
And once again I am learning the absolute necessity of REST to aid a body-or a heart-toward healing. There is simply NO substitute for giving your body or emotions or spirit the space and time and leisure it needs to do the work that only it can do for itself.
When our schedules are piled high (even with good things!) and we don’t make a place for rest in our daily and weekly lives, we predispose (maybe guarantee?) ourselves toward crisis. It might be a health crisis due to a weakened immune system or an emotional crisis because we just don’t have the energy or margin left to deal with people’s words or attitudes.
For those of us already carrying the burden of child loss into this extra busy season, we have to find time to rest.
We have to make space for solitude.
We must declare some portion of our day or week a “drama free” zone.
If we don’t, we’ll find ourselves exactly where we don’t want to be.
Our bodies, minds and hearts will demand it-one way or the other.
❤
We are days away from plunging headfirst into the rough and tumble holiday season.
Thanksgiving is drawing near and I don’t know about you, but it seems that once I eat the turkey and dressing, the clock moves faster and the days crowd one another in a race to Christmas and the end of the year.
So I want to take a minute to think about how important it is to make and maintain space for grief during this busy season.
You have to do it.
I know, I know-where to fit it in between family gatherings, social engagements, mandatory office parties and children’s pageants?
If you don’t, though, the grief will out itself one way or another.
So may I offer the following practical suggestions for this upcoming holiday season?
Grief requires so. much. energy.
And you can’t spend the same energy twice.
So make space for grief in your holiday plans.
I’ve always been quick to volunteer.
Often the “yes” flies out of my lips before my brain has engaged.
That lands me in all kinds of trouble.
But I’m trying to learn to bite my tongue until I can take stock of just how taking on another responsibility may push me over the edge.
I’m walking on a razor thin rim around the pit of despair-especially this time of year and it doesn’t take much for me to fall in.
I know that other people think, “Well it’s been nearly five years!” And I understand that to them, it seems like plenty of time to get my act together, to figure out how to live with child loss, to grow strong enough to shoulder whatever burden they think I have left and just get on with life.
But what they don’t understand is that this journey requires constant adjustments, has unending and new challenges and truly is uphill all the way.
There’s no coasting-it’s ALL hard.
Think for a minute how overwhelmed you are with all the activity, demands for baked goods, invitations, shopping, cooking, visiting, managing family responsibilities, hectic schedules and every thing else that the holidays entail.
Now multiply that times one hundred or a thousand.
That’s what it feels like for me and other wounded hearts trying to juggle ongoing pain and the holidays.
I want to participate. I want to be the old me that could say “yes” to every request. But I’m not that person anymore.
I will do what I can do.
I will say “no” to what I can’t do.
And I won’t feel guilty for preserving my energy and my sanity.
When coping with difficult disappointment or stress, it’s wise to let go of what you really, truly don’t need. Give some of your responsibilities, if you can, to someone else. Delegate what someone else can do. Say ‘no’ to new assignments or projects that aren’t absolutely necessary, and again, don’t feel bad about it. Don’t only accept help, ask for it — and be specific.
After all, when the storm has passed and you’re feeling stronger, you’ll be able to pick up those responsibilities again.
~Steven Earp, Storms of Life
You don’t have to bury a child to know that changing long-standing family traditions around holidays is a hard, hard thing.
Just ask a parent trying to work out Thanksgiving and Christmas for the first time after an adult child marries. Suddenly the way things have “always been” are no longer the way things are.
If you’ve decided to try to do things differently this year, you know that means telling other folks who might not like it.
And that’s really hard.
But the sooner you have those conversations, the better.
Because the only thing that makes it worse is procrastinating until it feels like an ambush to your extended family and friends.
Read the rest here: Grief, Holidays and Hard Conversations
I wish I had found some of these ideas before we headed into our first set of holidays after Dominic ran ahead to Heaven.
It would have helped so very much.
So I’m sending these out early enough so that someone else may be both validated and liberated in planning how to approach one of the most difficult times of year for bereaved parents.
I pray they reach the heart that needs them. ❤
It cannot be overstated: holidays are extremely hard after loss. Every family gathering highlights the hole where my son SHOULD be, but ISN’T.
There is no “right way” or “wrong way” to handle the holidays after losing a child.
For many, there is only survival-especially the very first year.
These days also stir great internal conflict: I want to enjoy and celebrate my living children and my family still here while missing my son that isn’t. Emotions run high and are, oh so difficult to manage.
Read the rest here: Practical Ideas for Dealing with the Holidays after Child Loss
I know it is hard. I know you don’t truly understand how I feel. You can’t. It wasn’t your child.
I know I may look and act like I’m “better”. I know that you would love for things to be like they were: BEFORE. But they aren’t.
I know my grief interferes with your plans. I know it is uncomfortable to make changes in traditions we have observed for years. But I can’t help it. I didn’t ask for this to be my life.
I know that every year I seem to need something different. I know that’s confusing and may be frustrating. But I’m working this out as I go. I didn’t get a “how to” manual when I buried my son. It’s new for me every year too.
Read the rest here: Grief and Holidays:What the Bereaved Need From Friends and Family
When faced with the upcoming holidays and already rapid heartbeat and fading strength, the last thing a bereaved parent wants to hear is , “Make a plan”.
But the truth is, if you don’t it will be so. much. worse.
No one can tell YOU what the plan should be. Each family is unique. Each year brings different challenges-declining health, moves, children or grandchildren born and a dozen other variables that must be accounted forTHIS year versus years past.
Read the rest here: Holidays and Grief: You Need a Plan
The calendar is tricky for grieving hearts.
It’s not just a way to plan events or remember doctor appointments.
It’s full of milestone dates and commitments that loom large and awful like an oncoming train in a dark tunnel.
Sometimes I just want to fall asleep sometime around the end of October and wake up in January after all the hoopla is over.
But I can’t.
It’s not because I’m a Scrooge-I actually love making and giving gifts, I like baking cookies and breads, I enjoy cozy evenings with family in front of the fireplace.
What I don’t like is the busyness, the crowds, the push to be hap-hap-happy all the time and the crazy consumerism that crowds out the quiet peace of the promise of Light in the darkness.
I also struggle with meeting expectations-my own and those of others’-as well as enduring loud and slightly chaotic gatherings.
This will be the fifth set of holidays since Dominic ran ahead to Heaven and we have yet to settle on a pattern for how to approach them. Each year has been different and each year has presented new challenges.
I think the two things I’ve learned so far are this: (1) It’s OK to do things differently or to skip some things altogether; and (2) It’s important to communicate my needs and limitations to those around me.
Timing matters too.
I need to prepare family and friends NOW for the changes coming to holiday plans.
So for the next few days I’m going to repost some of the articles I’ve written about how to survive the holidays with a grieving heart.
They are not a “how-to” manual-just some observations and suggestions.
Take what is helpful and leave the rest.
In the end, each heart needs to find its own path.
I pray you find yours. ❤
Here they come round the bend like a pack of dogs chasing that rabbit on a racetrack.
No way to slow them down, no way to step to the side and ward off the relentless message that Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming soon-so, so soon.
Stores scream, “You’ve got to buy it NOW! You’re running out of time!”
Billboards, radio and television ads, and calendars count down the days.
Decorations assault my eyes and ears and nose (thank you pumpkin everything!). I cannot get away. There’s no where to hide
Read the rest here: Trying to Hold off the Holidays
thelifeididntchoose 