Tag: family

Christmas 2025: Surviving Siblings and Christmas

I first shared this post in 2016 when we had muddled through the first two holiday seasons after Dominic left us and were headed for a third.

Now facing our twelfth, there are some things that have changed a lot (adding grandchildren and losing my mama) and some things that remain the same (the ongoing struggle to balance everyone’s needs and expectations with the reality of sorrow).

I still find the principles I outlined years ago to be the best way to approach the season. We certainly don’t always get it right but we continue to strive to honor one another, to honor the true meaning of Christmas and to honor Dominic.

❤  Melanie

How do I honor the child for whom memories are all I have and love well the children with whom I am still making memories?

That’s a question I ask myself often.

And it is especially difficult to answer for celebrations and holidays, special events and birthdays.

I’ve probably had it a bit easier than many bereaved parents.  

My children were all adults when Dominic left us for Heaven.

We have strong relationships and a track record of talking things through.  So I can ask them about what is helpful to them and tell them what is hard for me.  We all acknowledge that we are finding our way in the dark and that changing circumstances make it important to keep the lines of communication open.

We are experiencing our ninth set of holidays this year and have yet to establish a pattern or routine that works every time.

But here are some things we are learning together-some things my children are teaching me about surviving siblings and Christmas:

  • Parents shouldn’t try to hide their grief.  This one is hard.  As moms and dads we want so badly to create a safe world for our children-even our adult children!  Yet we know by painful experience that it is impossible.  When I try to hide my grief (which I cannot do successfully) I’m adding stress to an already stress-filled situation.  That grief is going to escape somewhere-if not in tears, then in raised voices, impatient looks and short tempers.  Children (even very young children) know that you are sad.  Let them know by your example that it’s OK to be sad.  Share your heart (in age-appropriate ways) and by doing so, give them permission to grieve as well.
  • Don’t force your child to grieve the same way you do.  Some children find it easier to be open about emotions than others.  The outward emotional expression of grief is different in each person.  For some it looks like what we expect: tears, sadness, sorrow. For others it may look like anger or denial or an unwavering commitment to “keep everything the same”.  Some children become very anxious about the safety of other family members. Some may remain stoic-don’t force emotional responses. Do some reading/research on grief in children and be prepared for the different ways a child may express their pain.
  • Ask you child(ren) how they feel about certain events/traditions/remembrance ideas. Even young children may have strong opinions about what feels good and what feels awful.  It’s tough to find a balance among competing needs but at least knowing how different family members are experiencing the holiday gives parents an idea of how it might be accomplished.  Sometimes surviving siblings can help parents find a creative solution to the quandary of how to honor the missing child and how to bless surviving children.
  • Don’t require that your child(ren) participate in every event or gathering. This is especially helpful for older children-but parents should be sensitive to the young ones as well.  Give your child(ren) permission to say, “no” if they don’t want to be part of a particular event. Some parents want to do balloon releases or light candles at a special service for their missing child. What’s healing for the parent may not be healing for a surviving sibling. That’s OK.  Do the same for family gatherings.  Don’t force a sibling to contribute a “favorite memory” or “story” during a family memorial time.
  • Grant space and remain flexible.  Things that sound like a good idea while still far off on the calendar can feel overwhelming as the day approaches.  Sometimes no matter how much I WANT to do something, I. just. can’t.  It’s the same for surviving siblings.  Be gracious and allow for changing feelings/circumstances.  They may truly wish they could commit or participate but realize that when the day is here, they just don’t have the emotional energy to do it.
  • On the other hand, be alert if a child withdraws completely.  Withdrawal may be a silent scream for help.  The pain may have become too great to process but the child doesn’t know how to ask for help.  You are the parent.  You can’t “fix” your child.  But you can take him or her by the hand and lead them to someone who can discern the best way to give them the skills to cope with the loss of their sibling.
  • Affirm your living child(ren).  Let them know that you love them in ways that are most meaningful to them.  Every person has a unique “love language”-a preferred way to be loved.  Learning what speaks to your child(ren)’s heart helps to ensure that they don’t feel forgotten or overlooked even as you grieve the child that is missing from your family circle.
  • Express appreciation for your child(ren)’s continued support for your own grief. My kids are a vital part of my grief support system-just as I am for them.  We all love Dominic and our hearts all hurt and miss him.  I am thankful every minute of every day that they listen to me, let me cry and love me through hard moments.
  • Understand that sometimes your surviving child(ren) might need to leave the missing sibling behind or set him or her aside for an event or celebration.  It’s hard to remain in the shadow of “the one gone before”.  They may not want that special day to be referenced as “so many days/months/years since we lost ______”.  Of course our mama or daddy hearts can’t help but think of it that way!  BUT-this is THEIR day, THEIR moment.  Let them have it.  It takes nothing away from your love for the missing child to affirm and lavish love on the child you can still hold.
  • Remember, that just like for you-each year may be different.  What works one time may not work this time.  Extend, and be willing to receive, grace  

I am trying hard to love and honor and support the children still with me and also make room for Dominic, who lives in our hearts.

It’s a delicate balancing act on a spiderweb of intersecting strings-I’m still learning and it’s hard.  

But love is ALWAYS worth the cost.

It’s Not *Just* Christmas

Several times this week I’ve had messages or seen posts from bereaved parents feeling like failures because Christmas is STILL hard, even many years after their child went to Heaven.

Some of them heaped the guilt on themselves but many were responding to a family member or friend who felt compelled to tell them they should “be better by now” or “remember their other children” or “not ruin the holiday for everyone else”.

Other broken hearted parents have shared that they actually felt stronger and better able to face Christmas in years past but this year is hitting differently.

For them, it might be because Christmas is never JUST Christmas.

We come to this season with memories and emotional baggage of a lifetime. And for bereaved parents, the heaviest load we carry is our child(ren)’s absence. We also bear the additional burden of this particular year’s challenges, losses, physical and emotional stress and whatever lesser, but also energy intensive, cares and responsibilities we may have.

So I’d like to encourage my fellow road weary travelers.

Be gentle with yourself.

Take care of yourself first (when possible-I know littles make that much harder). You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Have honest conversations with those that matter most to you and limit conversation with those that only make you sadder and more stressed.

If you are concerned about your earthbound children, now is a perfect time to take them aside-one on one- and let them know that if it had been THEM, they would be equally grieved and missed.

Remember that saying “no” is a complete sentence. You don’t have to make excuses or satisfy someone else’s curiosity.

If you are at your limit for making merry, don’t.

There is no moral imperative that Christ’s birth be celebrated at all (although I think it’s a beautiful tradition). You have not failed Him or anyone else if you can’t participate in all the church activities this time of year.

This is the twelfth Christmas for us after Dominic ran ahead to Heaven and it’s a tough one.

For the first time since the first one, I’ve been unable to do even one thing to get ready or incline my heart toward anything like a “regular” Christmas.

My father suffered a major stroke in September and I have been at his home with him since then. My oldest son is expecting his third child and his wife is having complications that guarantee this little one will make an early appearance. Every member of my family is in different places and we are reduced to short phone calls and text messages for connection.

I would usually at least have a lovely pine scented candle to light each dark morning and evening but my father can’t tolerate the smell. So even this one ritual has been denied.

I’m trying desperately to get care lined up for my dad while worrying about the ever changing status of my DIL and granddaughter. The internet is slow, cell service is worse and I spend way too much time just attempting to contact people.

My father refuses to go anywhere for Christmas and I will, undoubtedly, be with my son’s family by then if the baby comes.

I’m sharing all that to say this: Every other challenge and burden is heaped on top of the already unbearable weight of missing Dominic. I’ve been barely dragging myself through each day.

So I’m taking my own advice.

I talked to my family and together we’ve agreed that we are streamlining and eliminating everything except what’s necessary for the grandchildren to have Christmas. The adults are fine.

I love my father but he is in his right mind (despite the stroke) and if he wants to be alone at Christmas, that’s his choice.

I’m putting on my stretchy pants and enjoying whatever holiday cheer my husband, my children and I can muster as we (hopefully) bask in the glow of a tiny new life.

So if you are struggling, dear heart, find the way forward that lifts as many burdens as you can.

Refuse to take on another person’s baggage.

Jesus came so that we don’t have to carry this alone.

He is here-Immanuel-God With Us.

Supporting Grieving Parents During the Holidays

Most parents feel a little stressed during the holidays.

For bereaved parents, the rush toward the “Season of Joy” is doubly frightening.

Constant reminders that this is the “most wonderful time of the year” make our broken hearts just that much more out of place. Who cares what you get for Christmas when the one thing your heart desires–your child, alive and whole–is unavailable…

It is so hard to find a way to trudge through the tinsel when what you really want to do is climb into bed and wake up when it’s all over.

Here are some practical ways family and friends can help grieving parents during the holidays:

  1. Don’t resist or criticize arrangements a bereaved parent makes to help him or her get through this season.If they are brave enough to broach the subject, receive their suggestions with grace and encourage them with love.  Do your best to accommodate the request.
  2. If the bereaved parent doesn’t approach you–consider thoughtfully, gracefully approaching him or her about what might make the holidays more bearable.But don’t expect a well-laid plan-I didn’t get a “how-to” book when I buried my child…this is new to me and very, very painful.  I am doing the best I can to keep my head above the waves and I cannot be expected to captain the boat through these turbulant waters.
  3. Don’t be surprised if a bereaved parent doesn’t want to exchange gifts (or at least, not receive gifts). No one can rewind time or restore my family circle to wholeness and I just can’t think of anything else that I want or need.
  4. Don’t assume that the bereaved parent should be relieved of all meal duties around the holiday.For some of us, doing the routine things like baking and cooking are healing.  For others, there just isn’t energy for anything other than the most fundamental daily tasks. ASK if they want to contribute.
  5. Don’t corner surviving children for a private update on their parent’s state of mind.My children are grieving too.  When you expect them to give an update on me you diminish their pain and put them in a difficult position.  If you want to know, ask me.
  6. If there are young children in the family, it might be helpful to offer to take them to some of the parties/gatherings/church services that their parent may not be up to attending. Ask, but don’t be upset if they say “no”–it might still be too traumatic for either the child or the parent to be separated from one another.
  7. Ask them to share about the one they miss.  One of my greatest fears as a grieving parent is that my child will be forgotten.  But we might not speak up because we don’t want to make others feel uncomfortable.

I know that life goes on, the calendar pages keep turning and I can’t stop time in its tracks.  I greet each day with as much faith and courage as I can muster. This season requires a little more-and I will need help to make it through.

Remembering Loved Ones During Thanksgiving

As families gather around tables and in backyards to celebrate fall birthdays, Thanksgiving and (soon!) Christmas, my heart longs even harder to hear Dominic’s name.  

Of course I remember him-he’s my son-and of course others do too. 

But it is especially helpful this time of year to have friends and family speak of him aloud. 

Read the rest here: Let Me Know You Remember

Supporting Grieving Hearts This Thanksgiving


Thanksgiving is Thursday and I know many are making final plans and preparations to gather family and friends around the table.

In the rush toward celebration, please don’t forget those in your circle who have suffered loss.

The first Thanksgiving without your child is excruciating.

Even the second or third Thanksgiving with an empty chair is unbelievably hard.

Here are some helpful ideas to get you started. 

❤ Melanie

We are all on a journey through life and each carry some sort of load.  Mine is child loss.  Yours may be something else.

We can help one another if we try.  

Love and grace grease the wheels and make the load lighter.  

Here are ten ways to love a mourning heart at Thanksgiving:

Read the rest here: Ten Ways to Love a Mourning Heart at Thanksgiving

Children Grieve Too: Children’s Grief Awareness Day

Today is Children’s Grief Awareness Day.

I’m thankful a day is set aside to focus on children’s grief because it’s so easy for their grief to be overlooked, underrated and even dismissed.

Grown ups often tout the line, “Kids are resilient. They will adapt.“

And while it’s true that from the OUTSIDE it might look like a child is OK or even thriving, on the INSIDE she may be curled up into a ball or he may be angry and resentful.

Sometimes these feelings find unhealthy expression through addiction or risky behavior. Sometimes they simply grow into a giant overwhelming shadow that darkens the child’s whole world.

Image result for images child grief day

My own mother’s mama died suddenly from a stroke when she was only ten years old. Within days, Mama was whisked away from everyone and everything she knew to live with her oldest married sister.

No one understood then that children needed to grieve so Mama never really did.

At least not out loud where anyone could hear.

But that grief informed her entire life-it made her kinder to many people and made it harder for her to develop deep attachments to others. She was only able to talk about it in the last couple of years of her life when failing health, my own loss and many hours spent in hospital rooms together created safe spaces for her to share.

Children grieve whether we observe it or not.

Children need safe spaces to express that grief even when it hurts our hearts to hear the words or see the tears.

No child should have to wait until they are grown to acknowledge his pain or her brokenness.

Image result for images child grief day

Just like we parents, surviving siblings grieve what they’ve lost AND what will never be. Graduations, weddings, new babies, holidays, birthdays and other occasions mark their hearts too.

Children bear other burdens as well.

They are often targeted by those outside the grief circle for updates on the family while their own grief goes unnoticed. After five years, my kids have developed a standard answer to the question, “How’s your mom doing?”

“About as well as you’d expect.”

Next.

Sometimes children feel they must be extra good and extra quiet in an effort to make up for the sadness in a home after the death of a child. Sometimes they take on adult roles, shouldering responsibilities a depressed or grieving parent can’t manage right now. Sometimes they struggle with misplaced guilt when their hearts are jealous of all the attention focused on the missing child.

Often they just wish things were back to how they were before tragedy struck.

Your children may never tell you these things unless you ask.

And they may not confirm them even if you do.

But rest assured, they are grieving too.

Give them permission to do it out loud.

Honest Conversations: Tips for Responding to Pain

We are surrounded by hurting hearts. When one of them turns to you and bravely holds out her pain, accept it as an offering.

Because it is.

An offering of trust, friendship and vulnerability.  

We’ve all been there-we ask a routine question and someone refuses to play the social game.  

We say, “How are you?” and they answer honestly instead of with the obligatory, “I’m fine.  You?”

Suddenly the encounter has taken an unexpected turn.

“Oh, no!  I don’t know what to say,” you think.

It can end badly-both of you walking away uncomfortable and wary.

Read the rest here: How To Respond When Someone Shares Their Pain

The Power of Listening: Supporting Grieving Hearts

Listening is love in action.

If you know someone whose heart carries great grief-and child loss is not the only hard journey hearts are making–offer to listen. 

Give up a few minutes to hear how they are really doing, what is really hard, what they really need to say but may be afraid to speak aloud.  Leave spaces in conversation so a heart can work up the courage to share.  Don’t be quick to offer platitudes that shut down deep discussion.  

It often takes many, many repetitions of traumatic events for a heart to begin to heal. 

Read the rest here: Why I Have To Talk It Out

Practical Ways to Remember Our Children During the Holidays

It’s not like we forget, is it?

And it may be that other folks remember too.

But it can feel oh, so lonely amidst the lights and the laughter when the one name you want most to be spoken aloud just isn’t.

So what are some practical ways to include our missing child in holiday celebrations?

I, and three other bereaved moms, together with Our Hearts are Home, shared thoughts and ideas on how to remember -in a tangible, physical way-our child during the holidays.

Two common themes tie them all together: (1)represent your child in a meaningful way that is authentic to who they are; and (2) help lead others into the knowledge that it is not only OK to talk about your child but downright joyful to hear it (even if it makes you cry).

Not every idea will suit every family but there is probably one (or more!) that you might find suit yours.

So here they are.

THANKSGIVING

  • Light a candle (real or battery powered) and put it in a prominent place or as part of a centerpiece. You can attach a lovely tag or put a picture next to it or somehow otherwise indicate that it is in honor of your child.
  • Memory candles of all sorts are available to order and ideas for making them are easily found online. They often have names and (if you want them) dates etched directly onto the candle or on a container designed to hold a candle.
  • Photographs are always wonderful. Some families set a place for their missing child or have a separate chair set aside to note their absence. Pictures can be placed on the table, on a side table next to a child’s favorite dish or in some other spot. It’s a Jewish tradition to include photos of all close family members gone before during Sukkot (a biblical holiday many feel is the precursor to our Thanksgiving) as a way to remember and honor ongoing ties and love
  • Cook your child’s favorite dish and put a note next to it that says so. Perhaps bring copies of the recipe or, if something that lends itself to this, prepare take home boxes with a serving or two for family members to relish and remember later. Mention to others sharing the meal that this is your child’s favorite and why. It’s a great way to encourage natural conversation.
  • Share why you are thankful for your missing child. This can be done in the context of offering thanks for other family members who have joined you and for those who are no longer present if you feel awkward or expect pushback from family members.
  • Provide a ceramic plate with your child’s name in the center and acrylic paint markers. Have family and friends write one word that they think of when they think of your child. Directions for curing the paint and making it permanent can be found online.
  • Donate a holiday meal in their honor through a local food bank or charity.
  • Watch a favorite movie or show and share memories of why it’s a favorite.
  • Create a memory table by asking guests to bring something that reminds them of your child. During your time together, ask the guest to share why they chose that item.
  • Create a Thanksgiving memory journal. Ask others to write a memory in it. You can add to it each year.
  • Do an act of kindness in their honor.
  • Share stories. One of the things I’ve learned is that if I don’t bring Dominic up and “give permission” to others, they often won’t either. Share about your child in Heaven just as you would one that is here on earth. Every family has a story about that “one Thanksgiving, so and so did…” .
  • Provide a family photo album of Thanksgivings past. These will naturally spark conversation about memories, about the lives and love of those no longer present and give bereaved parents a great opening to speak about their child.
  • Leave an empty chair or place setting.
  • Participate in a Thanksgiving walk or run in their honor. There are lots of 5Ks around this time of year and almost anyone can participate. Get a group, dress up honoring your child and (turkey) trot on!
  • You might just want to visit their grave or a special place that is meaningful to you.
  • Send thank you notes to those who were special to them or played a part in their lives. The first Thanksgiving after Dominic left for Heaven, I wrote notes to everyone I could think of who had shown up or helped our family in some way during those early days.

CHRISTMAS

  • Hang ornaments that represent your child. Some parents do a separate tree for their missing child (and some keep it up all year).
  • Hang your child’s stocking along with the others. You can write letters to your child and encourage other family members to add their own. You can ask family members to fill the stocking with gift cards that can be donated in your child’s name to a charity that represents his or her heart.
  • Volunteer to serve at one of the many organizations that need extra help this time of year.
  • Listen to favorite songs. It’s easy to make an entire dedicated playlist of songs that remind you of your child or are your child’s favorites.
  • Buy a gift they’d like and give it away. Many parents purchase gifts for a child who would be the same age as their child this year. You can get names from your local DHR or from churches or other organizations.
  • One family who draws names for Christmas asked family members to purchase a present that began with their daughter in Heaven’s first initial.
  • Adopt a family and provide Christmas for them in your child’s honor.
  • Make a memory chain for the tree. One mom said her daughter had family and friends write a memory on the strips and then put them together in a chain. It could be lengthened each year.
  • Purchase a poinsettia at church remembering your child.
  • Give an item that belonged to them to someone who would treasure it. This one can be hard because it’s difficult to release those physical objects our child last touched. But if/when you are ready, it can be a truly beautiful and special act of remembrance.
  • Make cookies for caregivers or others who helped during a prolonged illness or hospital stay. Make cookies for first responders in your own community.
  • Memory table runners are easy to purchase or make. Have guests write a favorite memory using permanent markers.
  • Make a story book of their life and display it where others can see it and enjoy it.
  • Make or purchase an ornament with their handwriting imprinted to give to family. Because Dominic left for Heaven when my other children were also leaving home, I have made or bought ornaments every year that represent our family and include names. Dominic’s is always included.
  • (Of course, you could do most of the things listed for Thanksgiving as well.)

I’ve written a lot about surviving the holidays after child loss and will be sharing many of those posts in the coming weeks.

But there are a few thoughts I want to leave you with that I pray provide some hope for any heart dreading the next seven weeks.

Soon after Dominic ran ahead to Heaven I realized all the trappings I associated with Thanksgiving and Christmas were not essential to the primary ideas embodied in both holidays.

Thanksgiving is about setting aside time to express gratitude to God for what He has done, is doing and will continue to do. 

I can still manage that. 

Christmas is a celebration of the Light coming into a dark world. 

This broken heart can definitely get behind that any day. 

So, in the end, if your heart cannot bear the thought of one more holly jolly song, one more hap-hap-happy get together, one more frenzied rush to the store for a forgotten present or pantry item—just choose to sit this one out. 

It’s OK.  I promise.

Here’s a link to the webinar: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70hNdxY9hWE

And here are links to a few downloadable resources:

Surviving the Holidays: Navigating Christmas With a Broken Heart (https://www.heartacheandhope.org/_files/ugd/fc3456_3f2dbf5095c847a5ac340996c3fbdac1.pdf)

Grief and Holidays: What the Bereaved Need From Family and Friends (https://www.heartacheandhope.org/_files/ugd/fc3456_0100d55e210d4ffa8cffa6f113eef48a.pdf)

Season of Joy: Blessing the Brokenhearted During the Holidays (https://www.heartacheandhope.org/_files/ugd/fc3456_f497651fd49c48c3ae86ba202e9f8ead.pdf)

Remembering Our Children During the Holidays: Practical Ideas (https://www.heartacheandhope.org/_files/ugd/fc3456_672b3487e6214ba7adb6ad6c895bd108.pdf)

Life Happens

I know I’m not telling any of my regular readers anything new, but life keeps rolling on and the waves keep rolling in whether we grant permission or not!

A little over two weeks ago, on Sunday, September 14th, my father suffered a serious stroke.

I live four hours away and had asked a near neighbor to check on him because he didn’t seem ok when we talked that morning.

He was definitely NOT ok and this dear friend got him quickly to the hospital.

I was already on the road headed down to Florida when I received the call confirming it was a stroke.

My unbelievably vibrant, active, very involved nearly ninety year old dad suddenly couldn’t remember anything. He partially lost vision in his right eye.

His body is strong and able but his mind has betrayed him.

He often doesn’t remember his own name, much less mine. He can’t read. He can’t recall my mama.

Thankfully, he is able to navigate well enough within his own home to do necessary daily hygiene tasks like dressing and brushing his teeth.

It’s been an unbelievable and brutal change.

I’ve been here with him night and day since it happened-my own life suspended to handle the details of his.

Strangely, so many things I learned in the early days after Dominic ran ahead to Heaven have come in handy:

  • Boundaries
  • Setting priorities
  • Keeping things simple
  • Writing down EVERYTHING
  • Ignoring negative inputs and concentrating on the positive
  • Asking for help
  • Accepting help
  • Admitting when I’m overwhelmed

It’s going to be a long journey and one with a lot of tough terrain.

But something else I learned when Dom left us was this: God’s mercies are new every morning. It’s more than alright to admit defeat and go to bed, trusting the morning light to bring fresh hope and renewed strength.

My family has been amazing! The children have stepped up and filled gaps I could never fill on my own. My husband has graciously managed so many tasks I usually handle at home.

Friends have called, messaged and sent cards. (If you’d like to send one, you can find the address on my personal FB page.)

I’m not sure when I will be able to return here full time but hope to keep some posts coming.

In the meantime, may I ask for your prayers?

Specifically pray for:

  • Papa to regain as much function and memory as possible.
  • For all of us to be filled with grace and not with frustration.
  • For wisdom as I figure out how to manage two households and still make time for the beautiful blessings of children and grandchildren.
  • For me to develop a new rhythm respecting this new reality.

Thank you.

You are my most precious friends and most kind community.

I appreciate you. ❤