Tag: family

The Power of Listening: Supporting Grieving Hearts

Listening is love in action.

If you know someone whose heart carries great grief-and child loss is not the only hard journey hearts are making–offer to listen. 

Give up a few minutes to hear how they are really doing, what is really hard, what they really need to say but may be afraid to speak aloud.  Leave spaces in conversation so a heart can work up the courage to share.  Don’t be quick to offer platitudes that shut down deep discussion.  

It often takes many, many repetitions of traumatic events for a heart to begin to heal. 

Read the rest here: Why I Have To Talk It Out

Practical Ways to Remember Our Children During the Holidays

It’s not like we forget, is it?

And it may be that other folks remember too.

But it can feel oh, so lonely amidst the lights and the laughter when the one name you want most to be spoken aloud just isn’t.

So what are some practical ways to include our missing child in holiday celebrations?

I, and three other bereaved moms, together with Our Hearts are Home, shared thoughts and ideas on how to remember -in a tangible, physical way-our child during the holidays.

Two common themes tie them all together: (1)represent your child in a meaningful way that is authentic to who they are; and (2) help lead others into the knowledge that it is not only OK to talk about your child but downright joyful to hear it (even if it makes you cry).

Not every idea will suit every family but there is probably one (or more!) that you might find suit yours.

So here they are.

THANKSGIVING

  • Light a candle (real or battery powered) and put it in a prominent place or as part of a centerpiece. You can attach a lovely tag or put a picture next to it or somehow otherwise indicate that it is in honor of your child.
  • Memory candles of all sorts are available to order and ideas for making them are easily found online. They often have names and (if you want them) dates etched directly onto the candle or on a container designed to hold a candle.
  • Photographs are always wonderful. Some families set a place for their missing child or have a separate chair set aside to note their absence. Pictures can be placed on the table, on a side table next to a child’s favorite dish or in some other spot. It’s a Jewish tradition to include photos of all close family members gone before during Sukkot (a biblical holiday many feel is the precursor to our Thanksgiving) as a way to remember and honor ongoing ties and love
  • Cook your child’s favorite dish and put a note next to it that says so. Perhaps bring copies of the recipe or, if something that lends itself to this, prepare take home boxes with a serving or two for family members to relish and remember later. Mention to others sharing the meal that this is your child’s favorite and why. It’s a great way to encourage natural conversation.
  • Share why you are thankful for your missing child. This can be done in the context of offering thanks for other family members who have joined you and for those who are no longer present if you feel awkward or expect pushback from family members.
  • Provide a ceramic plate with your child’s name in the center and acrylic paint markers. Have family and friends write one word that they think of when they think of your child. Directions for curing the paint and making it permanent can be found online.
  • Donate a holiday meal in their honor through a local food bank or charity.
  • Watch a favorite movie or show and share memories of why it’s a favorite.
  • Create a memory table by asking guests to bring something that reminds them of your child. During your time together, ask the guest to share why they chose that item.
  • Create a Thanksgiving memory journal. Ask others to write a memory in it. You can add to it each year.
  • Do an act of kindness in their honor.
  • Share stories. One of the things I’ve learned is that if I don’t bring Dominic up and “give permission” to others, they often won’t either. Share about your child in Heaven just as you would one that is here on earth. Every family has a story about that “one Thanksgiving, so and so did…” .
  • Provide a family photo album of Thanksgivings past. These will naturally spark conversation about memories, about the lives and love of those no longer present and give bereaved parents a great opening to speak about their child.
  • Leave an empty chair or place setting.
  • Participate in a Thanksgiving walk or run in their honor. There are lots of 5Ks around this time of year and almost anyone can participate. Get a group, dress up honoring your child and (turkey) trot on!
  • You might just want to visit their grave or a special place that is meaningful to you.
  • Send thank you notes to those who were special to them or played a part in their lives. The first Thanksgiving after Dominic left for Heaven, I wrote notes to everyone I could think of who had shown up or helped our family in some way during those early days.

CHRISTMAS

  • Hang ornaments that represent your child. Some parents do a separate tree for their missing child (and some keep it up all year).
  • Hang your child’s stocking along with the others. You can write letters to your child and encourage other family members to add their own. You can ask family members to fill the stocking with gift cards that can be donated in your child’s name to a charity that represents his or her heart.
  • Volunteer to serve at one of the many organizations that need extra help this time of year.
  • Listen to favorite songs. It’s easy to make an entire dedicated playlist of songs that remind you of your child or are your child’s favorites.
  • Buy a gift they’d like and give it away. Many parents purchase gifts for a child who would be the same age as their child this year. You can get names from your local DHR or from churches or other organizations.
  • One family who draws names for Christmas asked family members to purchase a present that began with their daughter in Heaven’s first initial.
  • Adopt a family and provide Christmas for them in your child’s honor.
  • Make a memory chain for the tree. One mom said her daughter had family and friends write a memory on the strips and then put them together in a chain. It could be lengthened each year.
  • Purchase a poinsettia at church remembering your child.
  • Give an item that belonged to them to someone who would treasure it. This one can be hard because it’s difficult to release those physical objects our child last touched. But if/when you are ready, it can be a truly beautiful and special act of remembrance.
  • Make cookies for caregivers or others who helped during a prolonged illness or hospital stay. Make cookies for first responders in your own community.
  • Memory table runners are easy to purchase or make. Have guests write a favorite memory using permanent markers.
  • Make a story book of their life and display it where others can see it and enjoy it.
  • Make or purchase an ornament with their handwriting imprinted to give to family. Because Dominic left for Heaven when my other children were also leaving home, I have made or bought ornaments every year that represent our family and include names. Dominic’s is always included.
  • (Of course, you could do most of the things listed for Thanksgiving as well.)

I’ve written a lot about surviving the holidays after child loss and will be sharing many of those posts in the coming weeks.

But there are a few thoughts I want to leave you with that I pray provide some hope for any heart dreading the next seven weeks.

Soon after Dominic ran ahead to Heaven I realized all the trappings I associated with Thanksgiving and Christmas were not essential to the primary ideas embodied in both holidays.

Thanksgiving is about setting aside time to express gratitude to God for what He has done, is doing and will continue to do. 

I can still manage that. 

Christmas is a celebration of the Light coming into a dark world. 

This broken heart can definitely get behind that any day. 

So, in the end, if your heart cannot bear the thought of one more holly jolly song, one more hap-hap-happy get together, one more frenzied rush to the store for a forgotten present or pantry item—just choose to sit this one out. 

It’s OK.  I promise.

Here’s a link to the webinar: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70hNdxY9hWE

And here are links to a few downloadable resources:

Surviving the Holidays: Navigating Christmas With a Broken Heart (https://www.heartacheandhope.org/_files/ugd/fc3456_3f2dbf5095c847a5ac340996c3fbdac1.pdf)

Grief and Holidays: What the Bereaved Need From Family and Friends (https://www.heartacheandhope.org/_files/ugd/fc3456_0100d55e210d4ffa8cffa6f113eef48a.pdf)

Season of Joy: Blessing the Brokenhearted During the Holidays (https://www.heartacheandhope.org/_files/ugd/fc3456_f497651fd49c48c3ae86ba202e9f8ead.pdf)

Remembering Our Children During the Holidays: Practical Ideas (https://www.heartacheandhope.org/_files/ugd/fc3456_672b3487e6214ba7adb6ad6c895bd108.pdf)

Life Happens

I know I’m not telling any of my regular readers anything new, but life keeps rolling on and the waves keep rolling in whether we grant permission or not!

A little over two weeks ago, on Sunday, September 14th, my father suffered a serious stroke.

I live four hours away and had asked a near neighbor to check on him because he didn’t seem ok when we talked that morning.

He was definitely NOT ok and this dear friend got him quickly to the hospital.

I was already on the road headed down to Florida when I received the call confirming it was a stroke.

My unbelievably vibrant, active, very involved nearly ninety year old dad suddenly couldn’t remember anything. He partially lost vision in his right eye.

His body is strong and able but his mind has betrayed him.

He often doesn’t remember his own name, much less mine. He can’t read. He can’t recall my mama.

Thankfully, he is able to navigate well enough within his own home to do necessary daily hygiene tasks like dressing and brushing his teeth.

It’s been an unbelievable and brutal change.

I’ve been here with him night and day since it happened-my own life suspended to handle the details of his.

Strangely, so many things I learned in the early days after Dominic ran ahead to Heaven have come in handy:

  • Boundaries
  • Setting priorities
  • Keeping things simple
  • Writing down EVERYTHING
  • Ignoring negative inputs and concentrating on the positive
  • Asking for help
  • Accepting help
  • Admitting when I’m overwhelmed

It’s going to be a long journey and one with a lot of tough terrain.

But something else I learned when Dom left us was this: God’s mercies are new every morning. It’s more than alright to admit defeat and go to bed, trusting the morning light to bring fresh hope and renewed strength.

My family has been amazing! The children have stepped up and filled gaps I could never fill on my own. My husband has graciously managed so many tasks I usually handle at home.

Friends have called, messaged and sent cards. (If you’d like to send one, you can find the address on my personal FB page.)

I’m not sure when I will be able to return here full time but hope to keep some posts coming.

In the meantime, may I ask for your prayers?

Specifically pray for:

  • Papa to regain as much function and memory as possible.
  • For all of us to be filled with grace and not with frustration.
  • For wisdom as I figure out how to manage two households and still make time for the beautiful blessings of children and grandchildren.
  • For me to develop a new rhythm respecting this new reality.

Thank you.

You are my most precious friends and most kind community.

I appreciate you. ❤

Coping with Child Loss: Why Silence Hurts

At first everyone talked about him.

It’s what people do just after a person leaves this world and leaves behind only memories.

It comes natural before the unnatural fact of child loss settles in and begins to make everyone uncomfortable.

But at some point after the funeral and way before the tears dried up, people stopped feeling easy mentioning his name.

Read the rest here: Help! My Family Won’t Talk About My Missing Child.

It’s Been YEARS-What is Wrong With You???

If you think that time makes a difference to a mama missing a child who ran ahead to Heaven without her, you don’t know as much as you think you know.

Time does not heal all wounds-especially the kind that shatter a heart into a million pieces.

It takes time for the wound to scar over, but it doesn’t undo the damage.

So if you are wondering why your coworker still takes the day off on his child’s birthday or the anniversary of her child’s homegoing, I’ll let you in on a little secret: Years disappear when those milestones loom large.

Read the rest here: It’s Been Years-What’s Wrong With You?

I’m Still Human and There’s No Shame in That

I don’t know about you, but since my son ran ahead to Heaven, I’m ultra-aware that every encounter might be the LAST encounter.

That has its pluses-I’m careful when I deal with touchy subjects, I make sure to tell my people I love them, I try not to leave in a huff.

But it has its minuses too.

When things go sideways (and they do!) or someone just isn’t willing to listen to my point of view or I am offended by theirs and can’t manage to cover my feelings, regret and guilt consume me.

That’s not helpful or healthy, though.

I have to remember I’m human just like everyone else. Bereavement hasn’t changed that.

❤

Everyone struggles.

Everyone makes mistakes.

Everyone wishes, at one time or another, that he or she had done better, spoken more softly or loved more fiercely.

But we are human and can’t get it right all the time.

So if you, like me, have had a less-than-stellar recent record dealing with those you love, those you meet and those you pass on the street or in your car, accept this truth:

You are absolutely, positively NOT perfect.

And that’s OK.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start over.

If apologies are in order, make them.

If hugs can set things straight, hug away.

And if only time can soften a heart then be prepared to wait.

Fellow Grievers- Love BIG, Love BRAVE.

I was unprepared for the many traveling companions grief brought with it.  I knew to expect sadness and despair–but what about anxiety and guilt?

I had no idea how large a space guilt would soon occupy in my thoughts and heart-guilt over what I did or didn’t do when Dominic was still with us, guilt over what I do or don’t do now.

I can do nothing to change what happened in years past.  

There is no magic time machine that will allow me to go back and linger long over his jokes or cling harder when he hugged me.

But I can choose to approach today in a way that frees me of foolish guilt and unnecessary regrets.

I can’t do everything but I can do something.

I can love big and brave and refuse to waste the days I have with the people that mean the most to me.

do what you can with what you have where you are

It’s Never Too Late to Step Up. There’s NO Expiration Date on Grief.

I belong to several online closed groups for bereaved parents/ grandparents. A current topic is “How did family support you in your loss?”.

I am stunned at the number of bereaved hearts that were abandoned.

I am thankful I’m not among them.

Happier, pre-loss days. My amazing family-all in one place. 

If you stepped back instead of stepping up when a family member experienced loss there is still time.

Admit your fear, failing or whatever and offer support NOW.

They still need you.

There’s no expiration date on grief. ❤️

Remember Who They Were, Not How They Died

Another shooting.

Another tragedy.

Lives lost, families ripped apart, lives changed forever.

The quote that reverberates in my head is from the dad of one of the shooting victims, “We want people to remember who he was, not how he died.”

The cry of every bereaved parent’s heart.

No matter how our children leave for Heaven, what we want most is for folks to remember the light they were when they were here, impacting others, laughing, living and making a difference.

Dominic left in a tragic, could-have-been-avoided single vehicle motorcycle accident. I’m sure there are people who judge him, who judge me, who think that if it had been THEIR child, they wouldn’t have been going too fast in that curve.

It’s something I live with every single day.

But there’s nothing I can change about that night. There’s no way I can reach back across time and make things different.

So when you interact with a bereaved parent, please don’t focus on the illness or the addiction or the tragic circumstances that transported their child from time to eternity.

Ask them about who they were, what they liked, where they found the most joy in life.

Give them permission to share their life, love and light with you, not only their death.

Our children are so. much. more than how they left this life.

They are potential unrealized, lives lived, love spread to others.

Let us tell you about that.

Grief Work 2025: Can’t Fake It Forever

I’ll be honest-there are definitely times when “faking it” is the easier path. Chatty neighbors, standing in line, professional meetings or chance encounters lend themselves to light conversations that don’t need to include ALL my feelings or current grief experience.

But there are other times when being real, honest and authentic is not only preferable, it’s necessary.

I cannot fake it forever.

It took me awhile to figure that out.

Child loss is hard. Child loss impacts a family forever. Child loss is not “curable” or “solvable” and it’s not helpful to pretend it is.

So for the relationships that matter, I try to be transparent.

 ❤ Melanie

There’s a common bit of advice in grief circles:  Fake it until you make it.

It’s not bad as far as it goes and can be pretty useful-especially just after the initial loss and activity surrounding it.

Like when I met the acquaintance in the grocery store a month after burying Dominic and she grabbed me with a giant smile on her face, “How ARE you?!!! It’s SO good to see you out!!!”

I just smiled and stood there as if I appreciated her interest, a deer caught in headlights, silently praying she’d live up to her talkative past and soon move on to another target.

Faked it.

Boom!

BUT there comes a time when faking it is not helpful.  In fact, it’s downright dangerous.

Because if I fake it long enough and get good enough at it, I can convince myself that I have done the work grief requires.

Grief will not be ignored forever.

It bubbles up in physical symptoms and sleepless nights. It boils over in anger and impatience and anxiety and nervous habits.

There is no way through but through.  It has to be faced head on.

Life circumstances kept me distracted and busy for the first four or five months after Dominic ran ahead to heaven.

IMG_1790

I cried, screamed and was heartbroken-I definitely had my moments. But for the most part I functioned at a pretty high level.

It wasn’t until things slowed down that I had my come apart. And it caught me by surprise.

I was forced to sit in silence and face the feelings.  I was compelled to hear my heart shatter-over and over again.

I’ve now had over a decade of this burden of sorrow.  Years to think about, work on and pray through the pain.  

I’m learning to pay attention to my own heartbeat, to my body, to my triggers, to my joy-bringers, my joy-stealers and my limitations.  I’m beginning to accept the bellycrawl progress through this tunnel of darkness by focusing on the bright light at the end.  

I still fake it sometimes-it’s not worth it to me to get into a long conversation with that person I only see every year or so.  Too much time, too much energy and too little reward.

But I’m learning to be more genuine with the people that matter most.  I’m learning to be honest about how I feel, what I need and how much I can do.

And I refuse to allow busyness to creep up on me so that I don’t have the time and energy to continue doing the work grief requires.  

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