Tag: grief work

Heartache and Hope Ministry Update

Oh, my!

I’ve been overwhelmed and undone by the outpouring of support for my tiny steps into the world of bigger ministry.

So many of you have messaged, commented, texted and donated and it has encouraged my heart.

I’ll be honest, when the Lord first whispered the idea of creating something “official” in my ear, I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear it.

It sounded like a lot of work and a lot of commitment and a lot of potential for public failure.

But y’all have shouted a resounding “amen” to the questions, “Should I do this? Is there a need? Can I fill a space no one else is currently filling?”

Thank you.

I think you deserve an update on progress and plans, so here it is.

I’ve been working, working, working to learn the ins and outs of website design, non-profit record keeping and wise administration (along with delegation-not my forte!).

I finally figured out how to share at least some blog posts on the new website.

Don’t worry. I will continue to write here every day as usual but I will publish the most popular and most helpful articles at http://heartacheandhope.org as well.

The first in-person gathering for bereaved parents will be at my little rural church in the underserved community of Bibb County, Alabama on Thursday, October 17th.

There will be a time for sharing our stories, fellowship around a light supper and some brief helps on how to face the holidays after child loss.

These gatherings will be held most months and are open to any bereaved parents who want to attend.

I am hosting a small bereaved moms’ retreat at my family homestead in October as well. The theme is Heartache, Hope and Healing in Jesus-Broken Vessels, Beautiful Message.

My prayer is that the intimate setting, teaching, sharing, prayer and bonding fellowship will raise up other moms ready to share their stories and shed light for other hurting hearts.


We’ll close out the year with a Blue Christmas service honoring our missing children and preparing our hearts to receive the life, love and light that is Emmanuel-God With Us-during the Christmas season and always.

Next year’s calendar is already filling with presentations to various local (but out of town for me) support groups, additional retreats (information to follow),
monthly gatherings, facilitating a book study through Our Hearts are Home and (hopefully) a couple of opportunities to speak to pastors and others in ministry about how to help grieving parents.

You’ll be able to find these on the website calendar.

I’m developing several one or two page handouts for bereaved parent group leaders, pastors, social workers, healthcare workers and funeral homes to help them connect others to resources and ministries that support and encourage grieving parents.

I hope to have the first ones ready by January.

Look for that announcement here, on the website and on Facebook.

So what can you do to help the ministry continue to grow?

  • PRAY! For wisdom, strength, endurance and obedience to follow the Lord where He leads me. Also pray for every heart seeking solace, that the Lord will bring them to this ministry or one of the many others pointing to the hope found in Jesus Christ.
  • CLICK, CLICK, CLICK! On the website (you don’t even have to read anything) so Google Analytics notices and begins to return it in searches made by bereaved parents.
  • SHARE, SHARE, SHARE! The website, this blog site, the public Facebook page to help get the word out.
  • And, if the Lord leads you to join in this work by giving, you can use this link: https://square.link/u/cNen14Q1

Child loss has been my greatest challenge, my deepest pain and my most profound misery.

But is has also been the very place God has met me with the greatest comfort, the deepest compassion and the most profound revelation of Who He is.

In spite of everything I’ve endured, my hope remains unshaken and unshakeable.

The comfort I have received is now mine to give to others.

I am oh, so grateful for your partnership, prayers and encouragement that is making it possible.

May the Lord richly bless you as you have blessed me.

Scripture Journal Challenge 2024: Life Everlasting

Today’s verses are ones often read at funerals and memorial services to remind those left behind that for believers in Christ, death does not have the last word.

What a comfort!

But it’s also a reminder that the world as it is right now, is NOT the world God intended. He made everything perfect and perfectly alive.

Sin brought death.

Death brought heartache.

And for those of us who have too soon been separated from the child of our heart, we know how very much a heart can ache.

I absolutely rest on God’s promise that there will be a Day when everything is redeemed and restored. Christ’s resurrection is proof that His sacrifice is sufficient.

But even Jesus does not yet (in time) possess the full reward for that sacrifice.

So it’s no wonder we often struggle walking in the here and now while waiting patiently for the perfect hereafter.

We are not the first to wonder just how long we might have to wait! Paul was writing to comfort the church at Corinth. He reminded them of truth. He encouraged them to take hold of it and hide it in their hearts as ammunition against the lies of the enemy of our souls.

 Stay close because I am going to tell you a mystery—something you may have trouble understanding: we will not all fall asleep in death, but we will all be transformed. 52 It will all happen so fast, in a blink, a mere flutter of the eye. The last trumpet will call, and the dead will be raised from their graves with a body that does not, cannot decay. All of us will be changed! 53 We’ll step out of our mortal clothes and slide into immortal bodies, replacing everything that is subject to death with eternal life. 54 And, when we are all redressed with bodies that do not, cannot decay, when we put immortality over our mortal frames, then it will be as Scripture says:

Life everlasting has victoriously swallowed death.[a]

55 Hey, Death! What happened to your big win?

 Hey, Death! What happened to your sting?[b

56 Sin came into this world, and death’s sting followed. Then sin took aim at the law and gained power over those who follow the law. 57 Thank God, then, for our Lord Jesus, the Anointed, the Liberating King, who brought us victory over the grave. 

I Corinthians 15: 51-59 VOICE

Look at that first verse, “I’m going to tell you a mystery…”

Paul reminds the Corinthians (and us!) that what he’s about to say doesn’t necessarily “make sense” in the way a math equation does. In order to lean into the truth to follow, I have to become comfortable with the space between what I can see, taste, touch and feel and what may very well be true but not accessible by my limited physical senses.

That can be hard and uncomfortable.

So often I want tangible proof.

But that’s not how God works.

He asks me to step out in faith and trust His heart even when I can’t trace His hand.

The good news is that the world is not being tossed about in a battle between equals.

There’s no doubt that the final victory belongs to Jesus, the Author and Perfector of my faith.

So how can I arm my spirit against the wiles of the evil one? By studying the Word, hiding it in my heart and choosing-as an act of willful obedience-to believe.

Questions to ponder:

  • Do you believe that Death is defeated? Why or why not?
  • Obviously people still experience physical death. How does that fact impact your understanding of how God works in the world today?
  • What about the mystery Paul reveals is hardest for you to accept or understand?
  • How does the promise that these bodies we inhabit aren’t the last word encourage your heart?
  • What does it look like to live confidently in the hope of redemption, restoration and resurrection?

Prayer:

It’s not always easy to choose life, Lord

Because then we have to struggle with who we are

and why we are, and who you are,

And what to do with who we are,

and why we are, and who you are. 

We have to let you make us new,

and being made anything always hurts.

Father,

Let the morning come in our hearts,

So morning can come in our lives,

And the world that needs a word of hope can hear

‘Death has lost, and life has won.’Verdell Davis, Riches Stored in Secret Places

Please join the conversation as we encourage one another, discuss Scripture and ask questions.

Just remember that THE BLOG site is PUBLIC. My own Facebook page post is set to PUBLIC. So any comments you post there will be visible to ANYONE.

All of the closed groups for bereaved parents are PRIVATE.

Only members can see your comments there.

I don’t want anyone to accidentally post something publicly they would rather remain private. ❤

September Scripture Journal Challenge: Verses on Grief

A few years ago I joined with others and participated in a Scripture Writing Challenge.

We committed together to read and write out short passages on grief every day.

I wrote companion posts and shared them.

September is going to be a busy month for me and I thought now was a good time to revisit these verses and this study.

I know my heart needs more help when the calendar turns to the last quarter of the year and yours might too.

I don’t know about you but it’s been much harder for me to study Scripture since Dominic ran ahead to Heaven.

Not because I don’t want to dive deep like I used to but because I don’t have the same ability to sit still and read like I did before.

So I’ve looked for easy ways to make Scripture study part of my morning routine.

One way I’ve done that is by using a themed “Monthly Scripture Writing” calendar.

There are several around and regardless of which month may be slapped across the top of the list, they can be used according to whatever topic is most helpful or appropriate for you at the time.

In an effort to encourage myself and anyone who wants to join in, I’m going to be writing blog posts using a calendar of verses on Grief.

It will work like this:

Purchase or find a notebook you can designate as your Scripture journal. It can be a spiral notebook (easy to find and on sale now before school starts), a composition book (plain or fancy), a traditional journal (usually in a smaller format) or simply loose-leaf paper that you can pop in a three ring binder. It really doesn’t matter. Use what is easiest for you to keep track of and write in.

I personally prefer the cheap 70 sheet spiral notebooks because they lay flat when opened and make writing and drawing easier. It also means that if I want to or need to, I can use up to four pages per day and it will all still fit in one notebook. The covers are easy to decorate (if I want to) and pages are durable. I choose wide-ruled which leaves room for doodling around words for emphasis.

Round up some colored pens, pencils, crayons and/or markers. We will use these to highlight/emphasize words and to illustrate verses.

Purchase or locate a few regular pens that you prefer for writing. For just a couple dollars you can get roller ball or gel pens that really do make a huge difference when copying the longer verses. It’s no fun to write with a cranky instrument!

A Bible in the version you prefer. I have more than one in various versions but also use an online resource like Biblegateway.com or Biblehub.com which makes most English versions available at my fingertips. I really like that option because even though I will only copy out the verse in a single version, reading it in several versions sheds more light on the meaning than when I only read it in one. I’ve also found that familiar verses can become stale if I only read/copy them in the version I know best.

That’s really all you absolutely need for this challenge.

But if you are interested in making your journal more fun and expanding your knowledge a little more, here are a few other things I’d add to my Bible journal basket:

Sticky notes in several different colors. I love, love, love these! I will often copy out the verse in one Bible translation and then jot down significantly different language from another onto a sticky note and add it to the page. I also sometimes use these notes for my own insights or personal illustrations/examples. On occasion, when pressed for time, I’ll write out a question I want to look up later and pop it into the journal as a reminder.

A dictionary. I love to look up words. While it may well be that I technically understand the meaning of a word, when I look it up in the dictionary I’m always reminded of subtle distinctions I’d miss otherwise. Plus there is usually a list of antonyms and synonyms that refine my understanding.

Stickers. I confess I’ve never quite gotten over having these colorful, playful and pretty little additions in my stash to brighten pages here and there. Absolutely NOT necessary but awfully fun.

Topical concordance. If you’ve never learned to use one, now’s a great time to do so. Obviously our main topic will be grief for this month. But often as I’m reading a verse, I want to explore other topics mentioned and use the concordance for that. It’s true you can Google the topic but what you usually get in those results is someone else’s idea of which verses are most pertinent. A good concordance lists all the verses that contain that word in order for the whole Bible.

Magazines that I am comfortable ripping apart for illustrations. I comb through magazines and rip out pages that have interesting graphics or word bubbles or landscapes and keep them in a folder for when I want to add just a little something to a page.

This list could be endless. I hope that some folks will comment below and share what they enjoy adding to a journal.

I place all these in a basket I keep by my rocking chair so I never have to go searching for one or more of the things I need to complete each day’s assignment.

That’s really all there is to it.

Each day you will write that day’s verse(s) on one page. You can add in-text notes or save your observations and notes for after the Scripture. Use a second page to record thoughts and observations, cross-referenced scriptures, an illustration or two, quotes, pictures or prayers.

At the end of the month you will have your very own personalized topical Bible reference notebook and prayer journal.

I’ll be posting something about each day’s selection here and on Facebook in both our closed bereaved parents’ group and on the public Heartache and Hope page if you’re looking for companionship and encouragement.

I hope you’ll join me and add your own voice to the discussion. ❤

So, What Exactly IS Forgiveness?

Recently someone asked me for my definition of forgiveness.

It caught me off guard.

She had been sharing details of a very painful situation with someone who is clearly intent on making her life difficult “just because”.

I had to think about it.

After a few seconds I told her that at its most basic level, I thought forgiveness was completely releasing another from the debt of making things right, making amends or changing in their intentions or behavior toward me.

And then I realized it was precisely what I thought even though I’d never framed it exactly like that before.

I’ve sat with my words for a several days now and I have a few more thoughts.

My definition may lack precision in terms of theology but it is absolutely congruent with lived experience.

It bridges the gap I (and many others) feel between what feels like real forgiveness (releasing the debt) and also still not trusting a particular individual enough to allow them in my life.


I can’t imagine a single soul walking in this world for very long without having at least someone wound them deeply. And it’s no good just trying to ignore the pain or paper it over or distract yourself from it. I eventually find it gnaws a hole in my heart.

When that happens, it’s necessary (for my own mental, emotional and spiritual health) to face it and deal with it.

That’s when the choice to forgive can release the energy that will otherwise be expressed in bitterness or anger or sarcasm or avoidance or unfulfilling and often harmful choices.

If I forgive-release another from the debt of making things right or making amends or changing in their intentions or behavior toward me-then I am no longer held hostage to what they do or don’t do, say or don’t say.

It is real and freeing.

Doing that, I can more accurately evaluate whether the individual is a safe one whom I can allow back into my life:

  • Is their behavior consistent?
  • Are their intentions good and loving or hurtful and mean?
  • Can I trust them?

You do not have to allow them back in if they are not worthy of that privilege.

So, so many bereaved parents have been wounded in so, so many ways.

Sometimes by those they love. Sometimes by strangers who contributed to the death of their child. Sometimes by others who have made it difficult or impossible to do the work grief requires.


Those that inflict the wounds may be repentant or they may not.

That’s outside our control.

But we all have the opportunity to make the choice to release the debt and free ourselves of the ongoing burden of caring whether they are sorry or not.

And that is work well done.



Making Space for Silence

It’s hard to sit silent in an age when most of us live with noise nearly 24/7.

Out where I live, surrounded by grass and trees and plenty of room between me and my nearest neighbor, I am used to the quiet.

But it makes many folks uncomfortable.

They hasten to fill any empty airspace with chatter or nervous laughter or music or television or just about anything that means they don’t have to listen to their own thoughts.

It can be tempting, when trying to do the work grief requires to chase away the sorrow and pain with noise.

But that’s unhelpful.

Because you can’t really chase grief anywhere.  It’s inside you, part of you, with you wherever you go.

Read the rest here: Silence is a Gift

It Slipped Up On Me: More Than Four Million Visits!

I have to be honest.

When I began writing in this space I thought I might reach family and friends I knew face-to-face (IRL for those of you familiar with social media speak).

I NEVER dreamt I’d reach people in other countries, on every continent, from such varied backgrounds.

But I shouldn’t be surprised.

A fuzzy photo of a map of every country in which at least one person logged onto thelifeididntchoose. From the tip of the world to the bottom, east to west, there are bereaved parents everywhere.


Child loss is (sadly) universal.

It doesn’t respect borders or socio-economic boundaries or age or race. It happens everywhere, every day to so, so many people.

What I’ve always tried to do is be honest and vulnerable.

I’ve exposed my heart and my helplessness. I promised myself and my readers I would not hide a thing.

And I haven’t.



I don’t keep close tabs on things like blog statistics because I don’t monetize it. So it crept up on me one day when I happened to glance at the little footnote on the sidebar there were over 4,000,000 folks who had visited the site.

I’m thankful for every one of you.

I’m thankful for the grief groups that choose to print the posts or share them electronically. I’m thankful for the comments and encouragement from other bereaved parents that fuel my continued resolve to show up and share how grief changes over time (and how it doesn’t).

I’m thankful for the friendships that have been forged over distance and time and the encouragement that flies back and forth in the comments.

I’m still learning so I plan to keep on sharing.

I hope you plan to join me.

Mirrors and Pictures are SO Hard. Still.

I hate mirrors.  Not because I’m ashamed of my wrinkles or my fat hips.  But because the face staring back at me now is not one I recognize.

I see someone who’s supposed to be me and can’t quite place her.

There’s a vague resemblance to the person that used to look me in the eye while I was brushing my teeth or fixing my hair.

But now, she is “other”, unfamiliar, strange in a “slightly off” kind of way.

Read the rest here:  No Mirrors, Please!

Anxiety is Really Awful!

I’ve written before about anxiety and child loss here.  No matter the cause of death, the FACT of a child’s death seems to create the perfect conditions for a parent’s body and mind to experience anxiety, dis-ease, fear and often a sense of impending doom.

My world was rocked to its foundation the moment I heard the words, “He was killed in a motorcycle accident”.  

The worst thing I could imagine had come true.  

There was no protection from it happening again, no guarantee that THIS unbearable pain would be the ONLY unbearable pain I would have to carry.

I think my body chemistry was instantly transformed that morning to include rapid heartbeats, shallow breathing and a horrible creepy tension that climbs my spine and clenches its claws tightly at the base of my skull.

Before Dominic left us for Heaven I was not an anxious person.

Read the rest here: Anxiety is Awful!

I Don’t Want to Cause Pain

I’m a kinder, gentler person than I was before Dominic ran ahead to Heaven.

It’s a high price to pay to learn to walk more grace-filled through this life.

I’ve come to find out that every heart has a story.  Every heart is carrying a burden.-perhaps not the same as mine, but a burden nonetheless.

And what causes the most pain in this life (next to the burden itself) is when another person runs over my heart without thinking about the burden it may hold inside.

So I have purposed not to do that to other people.

Read the rest here: Refuse to Cause Pain

Shining Light In Darkness, Sharing Hope With the Heartbroken:

When I first began sharing in this space I had absolutely NO IDEA that my words could reach so many hearts in so many places.

I was simply being as transparent as possible in the hopes that others who were walking this road would feel seen, heard and understood.

That was almost nine years ago!

To date, over four million people have visited the site and viewed at least one post.

I’ve gotten message after message from broken hearts who say essentially:

Thank you for telling the truth about child loss. Thank you for speaking honestly about your struggle with faith. Thank you for assuring me that light CAN shine again in darkness.

Sometime in January of this year, I felt the Lord was asking me to step out in faith and expand the ministry. I began prayerfully exploring what it might look like to form a non-profit corporation and seek 501(c)3 status so others could join me in blessing bereaved parents.

With fear and trembling, I filled out the paperwork and sent it into the ether, praying that every jot and tittle was correct.

If you would like to join with me in ministry to bereaved parents and their families, you can make a tax-deductible donation using this link: https://square.link/u/cNen14Q1


To my joy and great surprise, I received notification that Heartache and Hope was a really, truly recognized ministry. What I’d been doing for almost a decade was now official!

So what doors are opening in this new chapter?

I’ll be hosting monthly in-person bereaved parent gatherings at my sweet little home church in rural Bibb County, Alabama. It’s an underserved community on every level and when Dominic ran ahead to Heaven there wasn’t a single resource within thirty miles. Too often bereaved parents convince themselves they are alone in their pain. I want to change that for those in my area.

I’m hosting and facilitating some small, intimate retreats for bereaved mothers at our family’s homestead in the Florida Panhandle. The first one is in October and is filled. I’ll be announcing others soon when the website is up. I hope to do these four times a year.

I am already scheduled to share in some other in-person bereaved parent groups in January. If you’d like me to come share in yours, let me know and we can get it on the calendar. (The donations received make it possible for me to do this without asking for travel funds.)

A couple of podcasts have contacted me to set up on-air chats that should be available in the next few months.

I’m working on editing and publishing some of the blog material into booklets that are easy to read and helpful as handouts for the newly bereaved and the not-so-newly bereaved. I will be able to provide these at minimal cost or for a small donation.

I would love the opportunity to speak to pastor groups, healthcare providers, hospice workers, social workers and others who are likely to be the first folks who interact with parents after loss. Please contact me if you know of such a group or can facilitate a gathering.

I will continue to partner with other ministries like Our Hearts are Home by facilitating online book studies and speaking at yearly conferences.

I plan to keep writing.

I am, and will always be, devoted to sharing honestly about my journey and encouraging other hearts along the way.

*If you would like to donate, you may click on the following link:https://square.link/u/cNen14Q1