I’ve kept a spiritual journal for decades. Every now and then I like to gather the pages, look back and reflect.
My journaling intensified after Dominic’s accident.
Writing out my thoughts, questions, pain and sorrow was one way to process the grief. I copied quotes and scripture. I prayed prayers and screamed, “WHY???”. I tried to document the moments when I felt God close and when I felt He was far away.
As I filled each notebook, I added the dates it covered and tucked it away. I wasn’t sure when I would be able to look at those painful pages again.
A couple months ago I brought the pile of journals and set them by my chair. A couple weeks after that, I started reading them.
Some of the entries are still too painful to read.
Some of the events too personal to share.
But over the next few days I’m going to offer a peek into the first hard days after loss.
The days when breathing is a chore, when it still seems like a bad dream, when part of my heart was certain Dominic would walk through the door once again even after I had seen his body lowered into the ground.
My prayer in sharing is this: that those who read know that God did not abandon me in despair; that it is possible to survive the seemingly unbearable loss of a child; that God does not despise our honest lament; and that when the enemy comes in like a flood, the Lord shall lift up a standard against him (Isaiah 59:19).
April 12, 2014 (The day of the accident)
The LORD gives and the LORD takes away: Blessed be the Name of the LORD. May my soul find rest in Thee alone. May my eyes look only to Thy Face. May my heart’s peace be the Prince of Peace. “Dominic”-belonging to God-You gave him to me and he is Yours once again. Marana Tha-Come quickly, Lord Jesus!