We’ve all been there-we ask a routine question and someone refuses to play the social game.
We say, “How are you?” and they answer honestly instead of with the obligatory, “I’m fine. You?”
Suddenly the encounter has taken an unexpected turn.
“Oh, no! I don’t know what to say,” you think.
Read the rest here: How To Respond When Someone Shares Their Pain
Some days there are just no words for this journey.
Sometimes I can only feel what I feel
and do what I do
and cry when I cry.
Today is like that.
I cannot wrap my mind around the FACT that my son is dead.
Am I somehow defective because I can’t?
Can any parent do that?
I know it’s true-I’m not in denial.
But knowing something is true and embracing it as true are two different things. I am forced to walk in the world but not always forced to confront Dominic’s absence.
He could just be on a trip, or away at school, or out of cell phone range. It’s funny the tricks your mind will play to placate your heart.
But this morning when the light pushed back against the darkness my mind refused to continue the charade.
In a moment of clarity, the sword of truth penetrated my soul.
And here I am, naked and bleeding clinging to the fact that I am mother to a dead son.
Nowhere to hide. No way to escape.
No words.
As I continue to walk this Valley, my heart asks the question, “What does healing look like?”
Fewer tears? Check.
More laughter? Check.
Better able to function? Check.
Read the rest here: What Does Healing Look Like?
I wasn’t born with an “I don’t give a hoot” gene.
When I commit to a person, a project or a problem, I’m all in-no holding back.
That’s why this side of Dominic’s leaving I’ve been very cautious about making commitments. But in the past year I’ve begun branching out and joining in again.
In many ways it has been a positive experience.
In other ways, not so much.
Last evening was one of those times.
Some critical tasks are undone for a large project where deadlines are fast approaching. They are not my assigned tasks although I could perform them if I had the time and/or energy.
But I just don’t have either one.
So there is friction and panic and rush in the group that didn’t need to be there. I won’t withdraw-I’m committed to fulfill my responsibilities but now I am burdened with all this negative emotional energy.
It followed me home and try as I might I was unable to regather my peace of mind.
I had spent all the emotional reserve I had for yesterday on keeping my responses controlled and relatively kind when people were trying to foist extra responsibilities on me as we walked out the door.
By the time I went to bed I was emotionally bankrupt.
The little bit of extra I depend on each night to keep my mind and heart focused on positive things as I drift off to sleep was spent.
I had nothing left.
I got to the edge of sleep over and over and the thought, “Dominic is dead.” flashed like lightning through my mind. The thought brought horrible feelings with it. I couldn’t escape no matter how hard I tried.
Eventually, exhausted, I fell asleep. It was an awful sleep. I woke up many times to the same thought all night long. I will suffer for it today-sluggish and unable to concentrate.
THIS is why I can’t afford to get involved like I used to before Dominic ran ahead to heaven-not because I don’t care or I don’t want to-but because I CAN’T.
I cannot spend the same emotional energy twice.
I’ve only got so much to give.
As a follow up to the repost a couple days ago: Why is Anxiety Part of Child Loss?, I wanted to share this entry.
Here are some practical ways to deal with anxious thoughts, take them captive or redirect my focus so that they don’t rule my heart.
Please feel free to add any helpful tips in the comments section below. We learn best from those that share our journey. You may have the very words that will encourage another parent’s broken heart!
I no longer have to imagine the worst thing that could happen in the life of a mother-I know exactly how it feels.
And if I allow my heart to ponder that too often or too long, it consumes me.
So I am learning to take those anxious thoughts captive, learning to make them live in only a small corner of my mind instead of taking it over completely.
It takes effort and discipline, but it’s possible.
I don’t have to live the rest of my days a quivering mess-
Read the rest here: Dealing With Anxious Thoughts
It surprised me when I felt anxious after Dominic ran ahead to Heaven.
Not that the doorbell startled me, or that passing the place of the accident was hard nor that hearing motorcycles made my skin crawl.
But that every single day for many, many months anxiety crept up my backbone and made a knot in my neck.
It surprised me that I felt like I was literally going to explode.
Read the rest here: Why is Anxiety Part of Child Loss?
Sometimes I have to remind myself that the One Who holds me in His hand IS “All That” and MORE.
He is more than I can imagine,
more than I need,
His resources are limitless
and His grace sufficient for every day
and all eternity.
HE IS-
The Way and the Way maker:
“Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.”
~Isaiah 43:19 KJV
The Truth and the Truth Speaker:
“When swearing an oath to confirm what they are saying, humans swear by someone greater than themselves and so bring their arguments to an end. 17 In the same way, when God wanted to confirm His promise as true and unchangeable, He swore an oath to the heirs of that promise. 18 So God has given us two unchanging things: His promise and His oath. These prove that it is impossible for God to lie. As a result, we who come to God for refuge might be encouraged to seize that hope that is set before us. 19 That hope is real and true, an anchor to steady our restless souls, a hope that leads us back behind the curtain to where God is (as the high priests did in the days when reconciliation flowed from sacrifices in the temple) 20 and back into the place where Jesus, who went ahead on our behalf, has entered since He has become a High Priest forever in the order of Melchizedek.”
~Hebrews 6:16-20 VOICE
The Life and the Life Giver:
“The Word gave life to everything that was created, and his life brought light to everyone.”
~John 1:4 NLT
The Promise and the Promise Keeper:
“Whatever God has promised gets stamped with the Yes of Jesus. In him, this is what we preach and pray, the great Amen, God’s Yes and our Yes together, gloriously evident. God affirms us, making us a sure thing in Christ, putting his Yes within us. By his Spirit he has stamped us with his eternal pledge—a sure beginning of what he is destined to complete.”
~2 Corinthians 1:19-21 MSG
I cannot see the end of this journey but He is already there.
It looks black as night to me and I am fumbling around in the dark, but there is no darkness in Him at all.
My flesh and my heart will fail, but His never will.
I know many who read this blog belong to closed online bereavement groups.
That’s a beautiful thing- a place where we can share our pain with others who understand it in a judgement-free zone.
We often post photos and our child(ren)’s story in the closed groups.
But today I want to take a moment to provide a public forum for anyone who wishes to take advantage of it.
Your child matters.
His or her story matters.
Your pain matters.
If you are so inclined, please “speak” your child(ren)’s name in the comments section. Tell us something about your child(ren), tell us what you miss about your child(ren), tell us what made your child(ren) a special light in this world.
(It is a PUBLIC forum so please don’t post anything you don’t want the world to know.)
The best remedy for my heart on the days when grief rolls in like morning fog and refuses to burn off with sunshine is hard work.
If weather permits I go outside and move hay bales, pick up limbs, cut weeds or do anything that requires large muscles to accomplish the task. The goal is exhaustion so I can sleep.
If the weather doesn’t cooperate, I’ll try to tackle jobs inside that I otherwise tend to ignore. If you ever see me cleaning the bathroom or kitchen sink fixtures with a toothbrush, just leave me alone-I’m working something out.
So these past days leading up to Dominic’s birthday, that’s what I’ve done.
I sheared sheep, raked out a hay shed, moved hay, medicated horses, dogs and goats, picked up limbs brought down by rain and high winds, vacuumed, washed clothes, cleaned bathrooms and organized (sort of) my closet.
The ungrateful sheep and the silly cat kneading his paws while I’m bent over shearing her.
Skinks are some of the happier surprises when moving hay. Snakes and ants not so much.
The good thing about so many critters that eat grass is that I rarely cut it.
Now I’m worn slap out!
I think I’ll hit the sack.
Last year around this time, my eldest son received his captain’s bars and had just begun Officer Training School.
This year, it’s even more real to me that one of my own children may be called upon to risk or give his life for the life and liberty of another.
And the number of mothers I know whose child has died in service or because of service related wounds or PTSD has grown ever larger.
Memorial Day is not “just another holiday”.
It is a solemn occasion that merits our deepest reverence.
We must never forget: Freedom isn’t free.
Read the rest here: Memorial Day
thelifeididntchoose 