Grief and Holidays:What the Bereaved Need From Friends and Family

I know it is hard.  I know you don’t truly understand how I feel.  You can’t.  It wasn’t your child.

I know I may look and act like I’m “better”.  I know that you would love for things to be like they were:  BEFORE.  But they aren’t.

I know my grief interferes with your plans.  I know it is uncomfortable to make changes in traditions we have observed for years.  But I can’t help it.  I didn’t ask for this to be my life.

I know that every year I seem to need something different.  I know that’s confusing and may be frustrating.  But I’m working this out as I go.  I didn’t get a “how to” manual when I buried my son.  It’s new for me every year too.

So I’m trying to make it easier on all of us.  

I’m trying to be brave and think ahead and offer up what I can to help you understand.

I’m not asking you to stuff your feelings.  But I am asking you to weigh your disappointment in things being different against my unfathomable sorrow in burying my child.

And this is what I need from YOU:

Acknowledge my loss.  It doesn’t matter if it has been a few months, a few years or even decades-every single time the whole family gets together, the hole where my child SHOULD be is highlighted.  Other people may have moved on, and I am stronger now than I was, but the missing is as hard today as it was the day he left.  I need you to acknowledge that even if you don’t understand it.

Be flexible.  Every day is different for me.  And even if we did a certain thing last year, it may not be something I want to repeat.  Life circumstances continue to evolve-living children grow and marry, grandchildren make their appearance, health issues may emerge and change physical capabilities-life keeps on regardless of loss.  So this year is DIFFERENT than last year.  For everyone.  If we all embrace flexibility, there’s less opportunity for breakage.  Rubber bounces.  Glass shatters.  I don’t want my loss to be the central focus, but it’s a huge part of my experience and I can’t ignore it.  Help me, please.

Give me space.  Grant space in the larger picture-don’t make showing up to every family event a “mandatory option”.  Understand that even with planning and the best intentions, I may wake up and realize that I. just. can’t. do. it.  Or I may come, but leave early.  And grant space in the details-if I walk out of a room, let me go.  It may be helpful for one person to check on me after a few minutes but don’t send the calvary to drag me back.  I don’t always want to detract from a gathering and I may need to cry, or gather myself, or just sit silently remembering my son.

Give me time.  Time by itself does not heal anything.  But time is a critical component of healing.  If this is the first holiday season after loss, don’t pressure me with artificial deadlines about what I want to do or whether or not I’m going to participate in this or that. And even if it’s not the first season, I still need time.  It will be the third set of holidays after my son’s departure and I’m still feeling my way in the dark.  Don’t force me to decide if I can’t.  Just go on with your plans.  If I can join in, I will.  If I can’t, then I won’t.  That’s the best I can do.  It’s how I have to live every single day right now.

Grant mercy.  I will mess up.  I will say things in the passion of loss that I regret.  Overlook it.  Don’t lash out or hit back.  My emotional tank is so empty sometimes that it’s a wonder I can still feel anything.  I am truly trying. Grant mercy.

Extend grace.  Grace is lavishing love on the unlovely. Forgiving when someone doesn’t ask for it.  Doing something for someone and not expecting anything in return.  Step up and step out in faith that loving me will help me heal.  Even when you can’t see that it makes a difference. Don’t stop.  Don’t withdraw.

Know that this is not what I would have chosen.

Child loss happened TO me.

It is out of my control.

And the calendar pages keep turning.  Every holiday season means another year gone without the companionship of the child I miss.

I want to continue to embrace life, to enjoy my loved ones, to make new memories.  But I need your help to make it happen.

Don’t abandon me now.

compassion is a choice

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

99 thoughts on “Grief and Holidays:What the Bereaved Need From Friends and Family”

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  3. I too know this emptiness. My youngest daughter had went to the hospital because of her copd. I was unaware of this, as my oldest daughter tends to manipulate those who love her for more attention on their youngest brother’s birthday. So almost 6 months later, life would never be the same & how this affected my once close family hurts me more than I could ever express.
    The 3rd day of her stay at the hospital was from what I was told her infection in her lungs was getting better, the were taking her to get a echocardiogram, she stated she could not breathe & she coded. She died there, with nobody with her, she had to felt so scared. Mind you my oldest daughter did not even call me to say she sick, let alone that she had died. Somebody who knew where I worked called me to say “Tammy passed away around noon”. This was at 2:30. My supervisor drove me to the hospital, oh how I was treated still by that place, just is as painful. I went to the front desk and tried to be strong & state that I was just informed about my daughter’s passing. The security guard at the desk called someone, then told me to have a seat. This is in the main lobby, I sat there, as I needed to see her to make this real. Some Nurse Case Mgr came over to where were sitting, ( did not take us to at least a more private place to discuss this with me). She sits there & stated that my daughter did not suffer. How do you know she did not suffer, I compared her stating she could not breathe as similar to when I as a teen would jump into the 12 foot end of the pool and let myself sink to the bottom until it felt like my lungs would explode. Except I could push off the bottom & get back to the surface to catch my breath. I am totally aware of my surroundings, as I believe she was, she was in a wheelchair going to the echocardiogram. She then coded. I felt that my child did not matter to this person, let alone did I matter, as she kept saying she didn’t suffer. There are people coming & going behind me, no privacy, no tissues, no hugs. I felt so alone, I asked could I see her? I was told she went already to the Medical Examiners Office for a autopsy. I believed I had to be having a nightmare, I carried her 9 months within me, she was my mini-me. Her laugh would just make me smile. Her freckles on her cheeks just made her so much more unique. She would twist a small section of hair when she was tired & trying to go to sleep. We walked many high & low roads together. The best explanation for me & how I feel is that 1 chamber of my heart of the 4 is gone. I had 4 children, I always told them that they all had a part of my heart. I grew up as a only child, that was so boring, just to have a brother or sister to pick on or laugh with would had been so wonderful. But I sat at her private viewing touching her cheeks, her hands, she smelled like my Tammy, she was going to be cremated, so there was no embalming done. She was soft and appearing to be just sleeping. I sat & sang ” Somewhere Over The Rainbow” to her, I twisted a lock of her hair as I sang. I asked the funeral director for that lock of her hair. I carry that with me everywhere I go. I have her favorite toy she liked as a child that rides with me in my car. She loved Eeyore. It has been 9 years since her death, I still will see someone at a store that looks like her from behind, it will stop me in my tracks. If I am having a hard day, I may walk outside & see a rainbow, that shows me that she is close to me. My just allowing her sister to break our bond & for us to not speak to each other again, will be my greatest loss, as we could have made up & told each other “I Love You” before she left. If it was not for work, I would have faded away.

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    1. I am so, so sorry. Your heartache was made more painful by the circumstances of Tammy’s passing. I pray that the Lord greets you every morning with the grace and strength you need to hold onto hope. ❤

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  5. Melanie, you are blessed with the right words to say. I’ve cried through reading this, but I needed to.. My daughter Tammy died in 1969 at age 7MONTHS 26 days. My son Kevin died 2013 at age 43 yrs. My grandson Corey died 2019 at age 28 of suicide. I feel like I don’t have a heart left, they took it with them… I only had the 2 children and I miss being called mom so bad… I didn’t think I would live through my son’s death. I was in a deep depression for 41/2 years. With my daughter it was 71/2 year’s before I let her die… My beautiful grandson looked just like my son, it was like losing my Kevin again. It’s good to see that I’m not the only with the feelings I have… I an grateful that I found your page… Thank you all…. We will get through this together!!! God bless everyone….💚🙏💚

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  9. I lost my daughter sept 2018 she was 21 Christmas is always difficult as it’s my sons birthday so we have to celebrate he’s going to be 10 so still believes in the magic although extremely caring as he understands I would prefer more balloons and banners and Christmas decorations up. My thoughts are with you all x

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  10. I just lost my son “Kane”, my only son 10/04/19 to a homicide. He was just driving his car and someone came up beside his car and opened fire, shooting him in the torso through both lungs and hitting his spine. I am still grieving really bad and probably will always. The holidays are coming and I am finding it hard to want to celebrate but I am grateful my family has started a new tradition by having pictures of my son and mom and dad with candles lit around them during our family Christmas party. I still do not want to put up my tree but I have two daughters still here that want me too. I do not want to Christmas shop knowing I can’t buy anything for my son so I may just pass out money to all and it won’t be as hard on me.
    More than anything I want my family and friends to always speak about my son so his memories never fade.
    I love him so much and find it hard to breath at times without him here with me.

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    1. I’m so very sorry for this huge loss. My friend lost her son several years ago and I remember her saying”I know what hell is because I’m living it”. Sending prayers for peace and comfort to you.

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    2. I so understand, Jennifer. Our son lost a two year battle with cancer and passed away 5 days before his 51st birthday. He was married, but his wife chose separation 5 years ago. His 15 yr old son preferred to be with him. As he became worse, this year, he encouraged his son to spend more time at his mom’s–he must have known. It is hard to get my breath sometimes. We missed Thanksgiving because our son’s oldest son, 26 yrs old, was hospitalized and seriously well. We were so scared!! He is improving and back home now. We don’t take a moment for granted now. God bless you!

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  12. My oldest son Matthew, 43 Forever, was killed in an electrical accident on 9/12/19. I’m still in a state of disbelief. Besides the loss of my son I am dealing with 4 siblings that did not come to his funeral. Only one of my sisters came and my heart is broken. Excuses, excuses, no money, leaving on vacation, and panic attacks etc. I just cannot do the holidays this year with them. I’m so hurt and angry.

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    1. Omg, so sorry for your loss. So fresh and when ppl make excuses is terrible. My daughter has passed away 24 years ago. There is no end to our grief. Going to a store you notice how pathetic people are about waiting in line, finding the right toy. Forever non existent in our world. Blessing to you as you go these sometimes awful holidays.

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    2. Pauline
      I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. I see how your heart has been broken. Please know that he is so close to you that it would take your breath away if you only knew. 😇

      I lost my 18 year old son in 1987 and his Dad in 2002. 💔

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      1. How I love to see hearts speak courage to one another here. I’m sorry you know this pain and loss Mary, but thank you for encouraging Pauline. ❤

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  13. I know how it fells to loose a child out of four children I have lost my youngest, I pray each night for the lost of every child, I ask GOD to please let my son know how much I love and miss him. sometimes it hard for people that haven’t lost a child I pray that they will take the time to understand,It has been hard on my family they lost a brother, an uncle,a son,my prayers are with your family,GOD knows and understand the heart ace we have. BLESS ALL.

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  15. Love the love shared within all of the above. You get it. You all get it. You get it because we are all in a “club” we don’t want to be members of. The “dues” are one of the most precious gifts in this universe. We must support each other, especially when one of us is having a particularly hard day/time/holiday/anniversary/birthday date/time. Have started a “moms with empty arms” group, which our get togethers have offered great comfort and validation of feelings. Thank you for letting me comment, Bless you all.
    Brenda J. Dailey, DeKalb, Illinois

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      1. I am so very sorry for your pain and loss. Praying the Lord will give you the strength to hold on to hope. May He overwhelm your heart with His love, grace and mercy. ❤

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      2. I am so sorry. I lost my 24 year old stepson on January 15th and I honestly still don’t know which end is up sometimes. The grief still comes in waves and some days are better than others but his loss is something I will carry until I draw my last breath. My best advice to you is just breathe. Take each day one step at a time. Allow yourself the time and space to feel and remember. There is no right or wrong way to process your grief because this battle is yours alone. Be kind to you ❤️

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      4. Lyn are there any grief and loss support groups in your area? There are a lot of organizations, counselors, therapists, and people out there that can help. If there isn’t any sort of meeting in your area, you could consider creating one.

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      5. You are not alone, many parents know the grief we share. Bless the time you had together. If it helps write down your memories of special days or events or silly moments that made you laugh as they come to you. Though our child’s lives were shortened and new memories can’t be made, wrapping yourself in those thoughts will keep you warm. I am so thankful for the 22 years I had with my son. The tragedy would have been to never have had the chance to make those memories.

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  16. this is all so raw for me. my granddaughter died 6/9/18. all theses holidays will be our first. she was my only granddaughter. my daughters first born. still have 4 grandsons. my daughter is having such a horrible time as my grandsons are too. as a mom i hate i can’t fix this. moms are supposed to fix things for their kids. this will never be okay and we won’t be either. it’s a pain that really makes your heart hurt. 😦

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    1. I am so very sorry for your pain and your loss. Holidays are hard for many reasons. The absence of the one we love is highlighted with the presence of all the others. I pray that the Lord will give you the strength you need to make it through. Give yourself grace and don’t expect more of yourself than you would of a friend who was struggling the same way. ❤

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    2. So sorry for your loss, I too loss my Granddaughter on 6/2/2018, she was only 2 months. This was my son ‘s first child. As the holiday are coming the only thing that we do is go to the cemetery and place her beautiful flowers. I am reminded daily that I will see her again . Her pictures are all over my son’s place this also helps. I pray that God will comfort you and your family. God Bless

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    3. 5 years have passed since my grandson left us. He was my daughter’s first baby. My heart breaks over and over for her and his dad, for my younger grandchildren, for my husband and for myself. There is no pain like this. It is still so hard, yet it seems that we are doing better. Brenda, I am so sorry and sad for your family. Holding you in my heart.

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    4. Brenda, I appreciate reading this, I lost my oldest granddaughter in March of this year. My daughter is so broken and I just don’t know how to help her. She is now raising her six year old grandson and helping him learn how to live without his mommy. Really dreading the holidays. Our hearts are broken. Blessings to you and your family.

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    5. just lost my granddaughter in june our baby only two I think of her every day will be our first holidays as well my heart breaks and as a grandmother I feel the same there is no fixing this for my son and his wife! the hardest thing ever!

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  20. Thank you! Very much my feelings on the loss of my son and best friend, G. Taylor Prestage. I will never be the same!! Life is so different, nothing seems to matter anymore!

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  21. Lost our Granddaughter in March. Miss her and worry so about our daughter and her family. Life has changed forever. Tears pop out of nowhere. So sorry for your loss as well. Bless you. I know where our sweet Nora is.

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  22. Thank you so much for your beautifully written note. You so beautifully articulated what I sometimes struggle to put into words with my family and friends. My son was stillborn 30 years age this Christmas Eve, so the last 30 years have been a challenge. I never had other children, and I believe it contributed to the breakdown of my marriage. I put a lot of “shoulds” on myself (I should be over this, I should just count my blessings, I should not bring negativity and sadness to the cheer and joy to others, etc) thereby shaming myself and chopping away at what self-esteem I have left. I’ m working with a counselor through this and am learning to speak up and acknowledge what I feel, even though many around me avoid the subject for fear of upsetting me……..their intent is pure, but in all reality, am I going to forget that Eric is not here if his name isn’t brought up. I have sent this article to my family and closest friends and have received overwhelming love and support. Thank you so so much for writing it. God Bless You!!

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    1. I could have written this. I lost my only Son. Holidays are nightmares at times. I have been through depression. Hurt. Grief. Why are people scared to mention his name. It hurts me more not to remember him or his name not brought. Only a Mom to a Mom who has suffered this loss can relate and understand.

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      1. People are afraid because they don’t understand. They imagine that not mentioning is better because avoidance seems to be the way not to remember. They don’t know that we can never stop remembering. I am so sorry dear one. Praying that the Lord gives you what you need for each day. ❤

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      2. Only a mom to a mom can relate and understand this loss? Pretty ignorant statement to us fathers who have buried our children.

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      3. I don’t think the comment was meant to exclude fathers. I know I write from a mom’s perspective because I AM a mom. I do not try to fit my shoes in anyone else’s feet. I understand grieving hearts are tender. But let’s extend grace in all directions, shall we? I pray the Lord overwhelms your heart with His grace, mercy and love ❤️

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  25. Well stated- applies to many types of loss- for me the recent loss of a mentally ill parent, the 3rd set of holidays without my beloved brother, and the ongoing mourning for a son lost to addiction. I am weary and so very tired of family expectations…

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    1. You are so right. I’ve found that my compassion for people who are walking in all kinds of hard places has expanded so much since I lost my son. I am sorry for your pain and your loss. I pray that the Lord meets you where you are, speaks courage to your weary heart and overwhelms you with His love, grace and mercy. ❤

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  26. Dear Melanie, my heartfelt sympathy for your loss, and thanks for sharing what I know is so painful for you. I have a very different situation but am feeling all the things you talk about in this post. My husband was diagnosed with dementia 4 years ago at the age of 60, and went into a nursing home in March. I’m feeling all those same losses. Some days I’m fine, others I’m overwhelmed by sadness. I know that my family and friends think I should be “over it” and I know that will never happen. My best friend and life partner of 44 years will never again be home for birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, but at least I can still spend time with him. Thank you for letting me know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Peace and love to you. XO

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    1. You are most certainly, and sadly, NOT alone. I’m thankful the blog helps your heart. May the Lord give you strength for each new day and shower you with His love, grace and mercy. ❤

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    2. I know how all you felt..i lost my husband last May 28,2018..its hard really hard..how can i stop the pain..you all true for being first in all things…first things for us..my kids lost their father at very young ages.and its true that someones griefing need someone to tak to,to lean on and to companion…and thats the thing i never had..thats why i really dont know how to survive my grieving stage..😢😢😢

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  27. Dear Melanie, my heartfelt sympathy for your loss, and thanks for sharing what I know is so painful for you. I have a very different situation but am feeling all the things you talk about in this post. My husband was diagnosed with dementia 4 years ago at the age of 60, and went into a nursing home in March. I’m feeling all those same losses. Some days I’m fine, others I’m overwhelmed by sadness. I know that my family and friends think I should be “over it” and I know that will never happen. My best friend and life partner of 44 years will never again be home for birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, but at least I can still spend time with him. Yjaml you for letting me know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Peace and love to you. XO

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  28. My bf, older son and I lost my younger son on Feb. 1st, 2017. He died in his sleep from an undiagnosed heart condition. He was 24 years old.
    This is our 1st Thanksgiving and Christmas Season without him and we are not doing well at all. The consensus is that we don’t do anything, as we do not want to celebrate this year; we are in such deep pain and grief and none of us can even stand the thought of staring at his empty chair again. Easter was an absolute mess, because of that.
    We are very happy that he now lives in Paradise with Our Lord God and Our Savior Jesus Christ and all the departed, but we, as humans (and especially his Mama), want him here with us.
    I still cry everyday at least once and talk to him all the time; the grief is as fresh as it was the day he passed. I am a shell of the woman I once was. I used to be so outgoing and happy and smiling all the time; now I’m a homebody and my friends don’t call since he passed because they don’t know what to say to me.
    I am blessed with a supportive Mother, sister, brother, SIL, BF and wonderful older son. ❤️❤️ Unfortunately, only my sister, BF and older son live in the same area – Mother, brother and SIL are in NC.
    Your article definitely made me feel better and made me feel like I was not alone in the world (even though I knew I really wasn’t, it sometimes feels that way). Thank you for sharing!!! ❤️🙏🏻❤️😊

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    1. I am so very sorry for your pain and your loss. No, sadly, you are not alone. on this journey no mama wants to take. But I am thankful that the company of others who know and understand your feelings and your struggle speaks courage to your heart. Do what is good for you. What a great blessing to have the ones closest to you be willing to make changes as needed to help make the holidays bearable. I pray that the Lord continues to strengthen you and that He ovewhelms your hurting heart with His love, grace and mercy. ❤

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  29. I just lost my sister in August, she was being treated for Lymphoma, but died from heart failure, while taking a nap. I have already lost my Mom, Dad and my other sister, which means I am the only one left in my immediate, “birth family”, and I am the oldest. I am heart broken and so empty, but try to keep up a good front for my husband, and grown children. My brother-in-law has lost the love of his life and just a few weeks later, his precious pup died in his arms. Life just sucks sometimes.

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    1. Dear heart! Yes! Life does just suck sometimes. I do not sugarcoat that truth. It is hard to walk this broken road and harder still when our circle draws smaller and smaller around us leaving our hearts feeling isolated and oh, so broken. I am truly sorry for you. Praying that the Father will wrap His loving arms around you and that He will pour mercy and grace over your heart. ❤

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  30. Lost my sweet hugging angel of a boy minutes after he left our home on his way to school. 17 years old. Feb 2017. Yesterday, my husband finally got notice to go to work at his old profession after being laid off for two years and having to work two jobs to barely make it through. What should have been good news made us both sob. He left to drive 15 hours away and will be gone thanksgiving and Christmas….our first without our precious child. He is worried about me, I’m worried about me….we are both sad and we don’t even know what to expect these first holidays.

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    1. This is truly a hard blessing to have your husband back at work but also away these first holidays. I am sorry. If I may make one suggestion-you don’t have to plan to DO anything, but it will be really helpful to have a plan. It can be that you will both stay in bed or watch movies or skype/facetime one another. Whatever. And it may be that come the day you scrap that plan and do something else. But there is a kind of anti-anxiety affect of simply having a plan that can really help in the days leading up to the holiday. Praying that the Father wraps His loving arms around you both and gives you strength. ❤

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  33. My heart aches as I read this as I lost my only brother to cancer in august. A shock as we found out 3 wks before he ďied. He started being weak went to er. Was found then. Oh, how I miss him. We talked every day. He had very many friends. I love hearing his friend says I miss him too.

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  34. I am coming up on Christmas #2 without my Patrick. He died the Sunday after Thanksgiving last year, I don’t even remember last Christmas, I know I spent it at my daughter’s house with the grandkids to keep me busy and I did 90% of the cooking, to keep me busy and I know when I got home I felt empty and sad. This year of “firsts” has been tough and year two doesn’t seem to be shaping up as any better but I will put on my “I’m okay” mask and get through the day, just like I do every day. I wish everyone peace during this difficult time of the year 💙☘💛⚾

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    1. My son was killed the very next morning after this post 12-23-2016 at 8:22am I a wet Friday morning driving to a haircut appt. He waved at me from his truck with a big smile. He was died 40 mins later. 20 yrs old. His father and I spent Christmas morning (8:30am) picking out a burial plot. We left the cemetery came home to an empty house and started taking all Christmas decorations down.
      This Holiday Season is nothing but firsts without our son TROY ELCANY SAUNDERS

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      1. I am so very sorry for you pain and your loss. This is a hard, hard, road. The first year is full of awful reminders that our child SHOULD be here, but ISN’T. I pray that the Lord will overwhelm your hurting heart with His love, grace and mercy and that He will give you the strength you need to persevere. ❤

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  35. I’ve read this and shared with my family already. I’m bookmarking now because I will share it as often as I can to get the message across…this loss is life altering and devastating and I need their support and encouragement, not their judgment.

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    1. Katy, I find that when we share with our loved ones, they often are thankful for the insight. Grace all the way around is the best way to maintain relationship. I try hard to extend it as well as ask for it. I pray that you feel the Father’s love close this season and that He gives you the strength you need to make it through.

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  37. The time warp of loss is always there; seems Amanda passed forever ago but also only seconds ago, but ten months ago in reality. Our first Christmas without her. We’ve done everything as usual, seems the easiest way for us. We do it in honor of her. The one change we’ve made is not include my family and to look into the future family. That is celebrating with my daughter’s boyfriend family. My family is selfish. Too much for us to bother. Thank you for sharing your own experiences as I look forward to reading them everyday. Roger

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  39. Pingback: One More Time: What Broken Hearts Need From Others During Holidays – thelifeididntchoose

  40. I lost my son November 1, 2016. I keep wondering about how I will handle the holidays this year. I, too, have 4 children. Reading this I realized I have many more years of figuring this out. That seems impossible.

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    1. I am so very sorry for your pain and loss. Please be very gentle with yourself and immediate family this year. You are very fresh in your grief. I will say this: some families find a holiday “groove” early on and it works for them. Yours might be one of them. Some of us experience child loss on the cusp of many other changes in life and it continues to keep us off-balance for holidays for a long time. Praying that the Lord will give you strength for each day and that you will feel His Presence near you.

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    2. Pam…….do as U plz !!!!!!! CANNOT stress this enough. Don’t mean to b rude but u just do what u need to rite now n don’t worry about what everyone thinks. It 5 years now for the loss of my only child who was killed at 8yo. My plans this Thanksgiving ? To b left alone ! I keep hearing oh that’s not healthy n being with ppl will preoccupy u from the pain n yada yada yada. I KNOW if I’m around family I WILL break n I refuse to bring others down not to mention being forced to listen to all the “advice” that NONE of them understand. U go b with family. U go off n b alone. U stay home n drink. U go out of town. U just do what U need n thank G-D that He doesn’t force us to “get over it” as He just holds n loves us. I am SO sorry for ur loss. It IS going to b a long road now. My heart hugs u ! TJ (Shane’s momma)

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    3. My friend, your post reminds me of when I told my mother, “I don’t know how I’m going to do this.” And she said, “You are doing it.” It may seem impossible but you can do it with love, Grace, and gentleness with yourself. Love to you on your journey.

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  42. Not only cried my way through this, I posted it on my Facebook page and asked my family to read it. This will be our first season without my beloved Stephanie, whom we lost in June to her second battle with cancer. We were blessed to have her for 17 years from her first battle with cancer, but it is so hard to think of the holidays (especially Thanksgiving which was her favorite) without her. I pray for strength to get through it!

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    1. Oh, precious mama! The first one we didn’t do much. We requested that family members not give us gifts although we gave to them. We didn’t participate in the extended family gathering but did share a meal. I couldn’t put up the regular tree so I found a small one and filled it with family photos and handmade tags that said “love wins”. It was very, very quiet and filled with tears. This will be our third and I’m still at loose ends. Praying for you.

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  44. Pingback: Repost: Grief and Holidays: What the Bereaved Need From Friends and Family – thelifeididntchoose
  45. Pingback: Holiday Planning Helps for Grieving Parents – thelifeididntchoose

  46. I know that I e mailed you yestrerday regarding your feelings. You will never be repriminded by me for the way you feel and the emotions you have or the times you need space of your own and quiet time you need to just remember and to grieve and to cry. Just do the things you can and those you cannot, do not do. Tjomgs will never be the same, The one blessing re: Dominic is that he is truly unforgettable so goes the song. His very being makes me smile. Even in his stubborn moments, he was unique. I love him so much and always will and talk to him each day. I know he is beating those drums in his room in heaven and even though I cannot see him, I hear those drums and I can also hear him saying, I am o.k. I am o.k………………………He enariched my life so much and I love him so he will always put a song in my heart and a smile on my face. Precious sweet Dominic. Love Mama

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  47. When someone asks when my beautiful daughter passed away, I want to answer “yesterday”. Even though several years have gone by, it’s yesterday to me. God through His Holy Spirit has blessed me with beautiful poems, Mate”, “Prayer of a Widow” and other lost loved ones. Freely shared with anyone to needs to hear.

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  48. Pingback: Practical Ideas for Dealing with the Holidays after Child Loss – thelifeididntchoose

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