All the fears I thought I knew
All the what-ifs I pondered during inky nights-
None of them-none. of. them. prepared me for this reality.
Read the rest here: Unnatural
Category: child loss
Five Practical Ways to Support a Grieving Parent
It’s oh, so hard to know what to do when you are watching a heart break.
You want to reach out and make it better, make the pain go away, make a difference. But it seems like nothing you can do will matter much in the face of such a huge loss.
While it’s true that you cannot “fix” the brokenness in a bereaved parent’s life, there are some very important and practical ways you can support them in their grief-especially as the weeks turn into months and then to years.
Here are five practical ways to support grieving parents:
- Remember anniversaries and birthdays. Take note of the date our child left this life, his or her birthday, the day of the funeral-trust me, you aren’t reminding us of anything-we cannot forget! When someone else shares that they remember too it is so, so encouraging. It means my child is not forgotten, that he still matters to another heart and that someone else recognizes that the world lost a treasure.
- Keep showing up. Keep inviting me to lunch. I may have turned you down a dozen times in the first few months, but that was because I just. couldn’t. do. it. As my heart begins to comprehend my loss, compassionate companionship sounds more inviting. I need to talk, but it may take me awhile before I am able to do it. Please don’t give up-keep trying.
- Text. message and send notes. I won’t always answer them, but a word at just the right moment may be what I cling to for days in the stormy sea of grief. If you don’t know what to write, use google to find quotes on grief and copy them out. A word of caution: don’t send articles on “how to grieve” or offer advice on “how to get over the loss of a loved one”. (Blogs, books, pages written by bereaved parents for bereaved parents are generally a safe choice.)
- Share a memory or photo. One of the most painful parts of missing a child is that there are no new memories. But there are “new” memories out there-held in the hearts of others who knew my son. Times they shared that I know nothing about and that give me a precious piece of him to hold close. Share a photo if you can. Post it to my Facebook timeline, send it in a text or message so that I can save it. Even better, print it out and send me a hard copy. These are treasures for a grieving parent.
- Listen and affirm. I know my child’s death is “old news”. Years have passed now and it may seem like something I shouldn’t talk about anymore. But it is an ongoing event for me. Every day I am dealing with another aspect of how his absence impacts my life and the lives of my family. I need to share that. If I keep it bottled up, I’ll explode. I’m not sharing on social media because I want to be pitied. I’m sharing because my son is still part of my life just like your living children are part of yours. So please don’t ignore me and hope I’ll “get over it” if you do. Acknowledge posts, comment on stories shared and affirm that my child matters.
You may be surprised how often I get discouraged and feel alone.
An outstretched hand at just the moment when my strength is fading makes all the difference.
No Harm?
It’s so easy to take Bible verses out of context. Our modern rendering of the Word of God broken into chapter and verse lends itself to lifting a sentence or two and ignoring the surrounding words.
Sometimes it doesn’t seem to matter much-the verse CAN stand on its own.
But sometimes it is devastating. Especially to those who find themselves in a situation that seems to clearly contradict the promise.
Jeremiah 29:11 is a popular verse plastered on posters, coffee cups, graduation cards and lovely Christian wall hangings.
It’s a hard one for me to swallow the way it’s usually dished out.
Death feels pretty much like harm to me.
I can spiritualize the verse and say, “Well, God’s ultimate plan is to give me and Dominic a hope and a future”.
That is absolutely true.
But that’s not what Jeremiah was talking about. He was speaking to a specific people at a specific point in time.
The original context of the Scripture was just for Israel-a promise that the nation would not be utterly destroyed or left bereft in exile. A promise that God would fulfill His covenant with Abraham and keep for Himself a people to declare His faithful love to the nations.
I think we moderns take it out of context when we apply it to individual lives.
Many Jews died in exile and not all who could return, chose to return when Cyrus issued the order.
The Scripture that speaks to my heart in this Valley of the Shadow of Death is this:
And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you.
Philippians 1:6 AMP
Here is my HOPE. Here is MY promise of ultimate redemption and restoration.
God is still working to bring about His purpose in and through Dominic and in and through me “until the day of Jesus Christ”.
I don’t know how it works but He’s doing it.
He Who is Faithful and True has promised.
There’s No Place Like Home
Dominic’s Heaven Day fell right in the middle of Holy Week this year-Wednesday, April 12th marked three years since he entered Heaven and left us here.
And every day since then I’ve been homesick. Homesick for what I used to know and homesick for what I know awaits me when I join him there.
I can’t say that I handled this awful anniversary any better than the previous two but I did handle it differently. This year I was determined to create space for both mourning and dancing.
I cried a lot from Palm Sunday through his Heaven Day and into Resurrection Sunday morning. I found new wounds that needed attention and realized some old ones weren’t as patched up as I thought.
It was costly in terms of personal and relational energy but for the first time since Dom ran ahead to heaven, I was able to reclaim a holiday gathering.
And it was beautiful.
I missed him, of course, but things flowed and people loved one another and ministry happened and laughs floated through the air.
Everyone left with extra food and smiles on their faces.
This used to be my house every holiday, almost every Sunday. It hasn’t been that way since Dom left.
But for a few hours it felt like home again.
Repost: Resurrection: Reality and Reassurance
“The worst conceivable thing has happened, and it has been mended…All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.” ~Julian of Norwich
I’m not sure when I first read this quote, but it came to my mind that awful morning. And I played it over and over in my head, reassuring my broken heart that indeed, the worst had already happened, and been mended.
Read the rest here: Resurrection: Reality and Reassurance
Repost: Maundy Thursday
Today is the day on the church calendar when we pause and reflect on the Last Supper, and the last words of Jesus to His disciples.
A year’s worth of sermons is contained in John 13-17 but this week I have been drawn to just one verse:
[Jesus said] “Now I am giving you a new command—love one another. Just as I have loved you, so you must love one another. This is how all men will know that you are my disciples, because you have such love for one another.” John 13:34 PHILLIPS
Read the rest here: Maundy Thursday
Fragments
I recently heard a young woman describe a Chinese grieving ritual on an NPR broadcast:
At her grandfather’s funeral, his oldest son was tasked with demonstrating the depth of grief and pain the father’s passing left behind. He stood before the casket, raised a clay bowl above his head and smashed it to the ground while loudly wailing.
The bowl was shattered into fragments too small and too fragile to be put back together in any semblance of what they once represented.
When I heard the story, my heart cried, “YES!!”
Why can’t we do something like that? Why can’t we have a dramatic outburst at the edge of death that burns an unforgettable image in the hearts and minds of those who join us to say good-bye?
I honestly wouldn’t change a thing about Dominic’s Homegoing Service –except for it to be unnecessary.
We had a beautiful video full of photographs provided by friends and family. There were praise songs chosen to remind us of the brevity of life and the eternal hope we have in Jesus.
He was placed under a giant Tree of Life that had been constructed in the sanctuary as part of the Palm Sunday/Easter celebrations of that week. Even as we planned the service I remember thinking, “Only a DeSimone could leave earth when some wild thing like this was available to mark his passing!”
And our Pastor/Shepherd/Friend who had spent many quality hours with our children gave the message. The sanctuary was filled with people from all walks of life, all faith traditions and all ages-many hearing the Good News of the Gospel of Jesus for the first time.
It was as good as it could have been.
But if I could go back-I’d add this element:
I would raise a clay bowl over my head as high as I could and I would smash it with a loud wail.
Because in the end, that’s what child loss does to a mama’s heart. It shatters it into pieces so tiny and so fragile that simply to gather them into a pile takes oh, so much time.
And the pieces never fit again. They never make a whole. There are always gaps and the vessel remains fragile and easily broken.
I am still gathering pieces.
Still looking for the ones that slid under this edge out of sight or got kicked farther away than I thought they could be.
I’m placing the ones I recognize back into what seems the proper setting.
I’m finding some that look like they don’t belong anywhere and will have to wait to see if I ever figure out where they should go.
I’m beginning to look more and more like I’m whole.
And in some ways, I am. But in many ways it is an illusion-a trick of the eye-a turning of the ugly broken toward the wall where you can’t see it.
I’m still missing so, so much.
The Day Before It All Fell Apart
Friday, April 11, 2014:
Julian and I went to a college honors banquet and came back to the house to find Fiona home for the weekend. I called Hector and texted with James Michael.
I turned out the light and went to sleep.
No warning shots across the bow of life rang out to let me know what was coming.
But that Friday was the last day I spent misunderstanding the awfulness of death and the absolute uncertainty of life.
Those were the final 24 hours when I indulged in silly chatter, playful planning and the mundane tasks that used to take up most of my time.
That Friday was the last night I fell asleep thanking God that all my family were safe and secure.
It was the last night I COULD have called Dominic, but didn’t because he was coming over Saturday morning.
The sun rose for us, but not for him.
I will never forgive myself for not talking to him one last time.
I woke up in the still-dark morning to a deputy knocking on the door to tell me Dominic had been killed.
And my world fell apart.
It’s been [eleven] years and it is not yet put back together. Pieces have been picked up and tacked into what remains of the outer shell.
I can function.
I can even laugh.
And I am so, so grateful for the family I have still with me. Together we are working hard to make it through.
But there are no words to help those who have never buried a child understand the depth of the pain, the sorrow and the ongoing struggle to live each day.
I miss my son.
I miss the family we used to be.
I miss the old me.
I miss being blissfully ignorant of exactly how awful death is.
I will not live long enough for this to stop hurting.
My son is gone.
He is GONE.
He is still gone.
And even [eleven] years later, I can barely stand it.
Healing? Curing? Same Thing?
Healing and curing are not the same thing.
Healing is a process that takes as long as it takes and may never be complete this side of eternity. It’s a folding in of the hard parts of my story, an acknowledgement of the way I am changed because of the wounds I’ve received. It involves scar tissue and sore spots and ongoing pain.
To be cured is to be free of the effects of disease or injury.
And there is no cure for child loss.
I will never be free of the effects of burying a child this side of Heaven.
I did not understand the difference until it was my heart bearing an incurable wound.
The thing about healing, as opposed to curing, is that it is relational. It takes time. It is inefficient, like a meandering river. Rarely does healing follow a straight or well-lit path. Rarely does it conform to our expectations or resolve in a timely manner. Walking with someone through grief or through the process of reconciliation requires patience, presence, and a willingness to wander, to take the scenic route.
~Rachel Held Evans, Searching for Sunday
It really IS all about relationship.
Relationship first with the Living God through His Son, Jesus.
The ongoing life-giving ministry of His Spirit calls courage to me as I travel this Valley and sings hope to my heart when I cannot hear anything else.
He will not leave me in my distress.
He does not abandon me in my darkest hour.
But it is also about relationship with others.
Relationship with those willing to meander with me along this unlit and winding path. They are the ones who give me courage to carry on. They are the ones who lift me up when I am unable to lift myself and who lie down with me when even their best pep talk is not enough to get me off the floor.
They have listened to me tell and retell my story.
The first time I told it, I didn’t have a clue what to say or how to say it-what to leave in, what to leave out. How do you condense a life-sized earthquake to a novel, much less a few sentences?
But I find as I practice telling my story, it is healing.
Sometimes it’s as if I speak without my mind being engaged and listening, I have an “aha” moment-suddenly recognizing a new insight and another place that needs work or has received healing.
I’ve learned that there is no substitute for companionship on this journey.
My healing depends on the faithful Presence of my Shepherd
AND
the faithful presence of friends who refuse to leave even when it seems we are lost in the wilderness of grief together,
Repost: More Time
The other day I needed to get something in the room where we have Dominic’s things stored-not the boxed-up-not-dealing-with-them-now things-but the personal things that bear his scent, his mark, his personality.
And the warm spring air had concentrated the odor that is him just behind the doorway. It caught me by surprise-that I could still smell him, still feel his presence, still be so certain that he had just passed by this very spot.
My mama heart cried, “More time!”
Read the rest here: More Time
thelifeididntchoose 