This past week has been brutal in many ways.
Some of us are fearful. Some of us are hopeful. Some of us just want it all to go away.
For me, it’s yet another reminder that We are Not Home Yet.
Category: hope
Light Bearers and Candle Snuffers
One of the rituals I observe when the time changes and night closes in so very early is to light a candle each evening in the dark.
I’ve done it for years but now as I do it, I think of Dominic.
It is my small way of declaring the truth that darkness will not win.
It’s my protest against despair and hopelessness that threatens to undo me–threatens to undo ALL of us at one time or another.
Because when I sit in the circle of the glow of that single candle, I’m reminded that no matter how small the flame, darkness cannot overcome the light.
I’m reminded that I can be a light bearer or a candle snuffer.
I can help others find hope or I can douse the tiny flame that still burns in their troubled heart.
Dominic was a light bearer.
After his death, the University of Alabama newspaper, The Crimson and White ran an article that said in part:
“Dominic was always very mechanically inclined and sort of became the law school mechanic,” close friend and classmate Joe Heilman said. “We are all poor college kids, so when we had questions, we would always go to him. This year alone I think he worked on five different law students’ cars and wouldn’t let them give him any more money than what it cost to replace the part.”
Heilman said Dominic’s selflessness far surpassed that of most people.
“He was one of the most hospitable people that I had ever met,” Heilman said. “I don’t have Internet or cable at my apartment, and when he found that out, he handed me the extra key to his apartment, no questions asked, and just said, ‘Come over whenever.’”
“He was exactly the kind of friend that everyone wants to have and that everyone tries to be,” Jonathan Mayhall, another friend, said.
All my children are light bearers.
They bring light and life to everyone they meet. They encourage, help and minister to the people in their lives. They stop for strangers, buy meals for the homeless, show up when friends are moving and put people first.
I encourage you, friend, as these nights get longer and darkness seems so very present-light a candle.
Sit in the circle of its glow and think how bright that little light shines in the black around you.
And remember that we all have the power to be light bearers, no matter how dark the night.
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Lesson From the House of Mourning
Our culture consumes death like candy bars-video games, violent television series and gory movies. Halloween is one of the biggest “holidays” celebrated in America.
We are desensitized to news stories of destruction and devastation because we’ve “seen” it all.
Yet we are a society that shuns mourning.
We can’t stand to hear the keening wail of mothers following the linen clad bodies of their fallen children.
We segregate funerals to special buildings that look like low-slung country clubs complete with ornate light fixtures, clean bathrooms and temperature controlled environments. In many places we no longer bury our dead next to a church where the living and the gone before mingle, waiting the glorious appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ.
All this so we can ignore the lesson of Solomon.
“It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, since that is the end of all mankind, and the living should take it to heart.”
Ecclesiastes 7:2 HCSB
I was only three but I remember my great-grandaddy laid out in the living room.
My parents didn’t hide me away in some corner and allow me to grow up pretending death didn’t exist. They didn’t shield me from visiting my ailing relatives or from standing by the gravesides of my ancestors.
I brought my children to funerals from an early age.
There’s no use pretending that people’s bodies don’t die. Sooner or later it catches up to you.
But while our bodies don’t last forever, our spirits do. We are eternal beings, you and me.
It’s not a question of IF we will live forever, but WHERE.
And that was Solomon’s point: decide while you still can who and what has your heart.
Because that choice determines where you spend eternity.
There is only one way to the Father’s House-through Jesus.
In the long run the answer to all those who object to the doctrine of hell, is itself a question: What are you asking God to do? To wipe out their past sins and, at all costs, to give them a fresh start, smoothing every difficulty and offering every miraculous help? But He has done so, on Calvary. To forgive them? They will not be forgiven. To leave them alone? Alas, I am afraid that is what He does.
C.S. Lewis in The Problem of Pain
Do you know Jesus?
He KNOWS you. He LOVES you. And He died for YOU.
He rose to conquer death for you.
He has made a Way where there was no way.
No one gets out of here alive…choose this day whom you will serve.
It makes an eternal difference.
If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. As Scripture says, “Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.” For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of alland richly blesses all who call on him, for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”
Romans 10:9-13 NIV
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Waiting With Hope
Oh, we mamas are experts at waiting.
We wait for nine months to hold that little person growing inside us. We wait for them to learn to crawl, walk, talk and read. And then we wait to pick them up at school, for piano and dance lessons to be over and ball practice to end.
As long as our children are with us, we are always waiting for something.
We never expect to be waiting to join them in heaven.
But some of us are.
And this waiting is real hard-not like the other times when I knew about when the waiting would end. Even though it was sometimes tiresome, lessons and practice wouldn’t last much longer than the appointed time.
I guess I believe there is an appointed time for this waiting to end as well.
I do believe that God has my life in His hands. When my work here is through, He will call me home, just as He called Dominic.
Trouble is, I can’t find a clock that tells that time. I can’t look at a calendar and know for certain THIS will be the day.
And not knowing how LONG I have to hold on is a huge part of what makes it
so.
very.
hard.
Sometimes I want to give up. Sometimes I want to let go of hope and dive into despair.
Some days I am afraid I can’t keep on keeping on.
Not. one. more. step.
But God has promised to meet me even here.
His Word tells me that there is a reward for those who wait with hope, who trust even when it seems foolish and who lean in even when they would rather run away.
But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.
We wait in hope for the Lord;
he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
May your unfailing love be with us, Lord,
even as we put our hope in you.Psalm 33:18-22 NIV
The Amplified Bible renders that last verse like this: “Let Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, be upon us, in proportion to our waiting and hoping for You.”
In proportion to my waiting and hoping, God will fill my hurting heart with HIS mercy and loving-kindness.
He will strengthen me regardless of how many days I must walk in this waiting.
If I hold onto the hope I have in Christ, He promises not to let go of the other end.
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Not Ashamed to Wait
“Those who wait for Me with hope will not be put to shame.”
Isaiah 49:23c NLV
We love stories of overcomers. We invite testimonies that end in victory.
We applaud members of the Body who have a “before” and “after” tale of how Jesus plus willpower took them from the dust of defeat to the pinnacle of spiritual success.
But we hide the strugglers and stragglers in the back pews.
If suffering lingers long, whether or not it is in the hands of the one who suffers to do anything about it, we cringe and pull back and hope they go away.
We don’t offer them the pulpit or the Sunday School hour to speak of how Christ continues to be the hope to which they cling.
Because deep down, we think there must be something wrong with them, something wrong with their brand or quality or strength of faith. If they only got it “right”, they too, would have the victory.
We would rather shush the suffering than face the tension between God’s goodness and His sovereignty.
We shame them to silence by implying they have nothing to share until they are able to wrap their story with a perfect spiritual bow.
We add insult to injury when their need for help exceeds the allotted three weeks or six months or whatever arbitrary deadline we impose on the prayer list and our patience.
But maybe what God has for me and others who suffer long is not a victorious tag line that can be slapped on a photo or shared on social media.
Maybe it’s only in the continued press of suffering that God reveals Himself in ways the non-suffering never see.
Maybe a dash to declare victory is actually rushing past what God has for us in deep pain and ongoing struggle.
Maybe waiting in hopeful expectation for what God is doing and will do in me and through me IS the victory.
We wait for Yahweh;
He is our help and shield.
For our hearts rejoice in Him
because we trust in His holy name.
May Your faithful love rest on us, Yahweh,
for we put our hope in You.
Psalm 33:20-22 HCSB
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The Cup of Sorrow
See, here’s the thing: to the outside world, my son’s death happened at a single point in time.
But to me, his death is a continuous event.
I must lift the cup of sorrow every day to parched lips. I must choose to take it to the One Who can help me lift it.
Jesus knows this cup.
He knows my pain: My Cup Overflows
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A Question of Trust: What About Signs?
It comes up often in bereavement groups:
What about signs from loved ones who have gone on to Heaven?
What about books that tell stories of people who have been to Heaven yet “allowed to return”?
What about cardinals and butterflies and feathers and dreams?
It would be so very easy to allow my feelings to rule my heart and to reject the truth of Scripture. It would be less of a struggle to walk this Valley of the Shadow of Death if I could “talk” to Dominic while waiting to join him.
But the Bible is plain: I cannot trust in anything or anyone but Jesus Christ. Every thing and every one else is fallible and will eventually lead me astray.
I wrote this a few months ago and hope it’s helpful to other grieving parents:
Read the rest here: Signs
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Set it Aside
Good is something you do, not something you talk about.
Some medals are pinned to your soul, not to your jacket.
Gino Bartali
Set aside the tweets and the memes
Set aside the scores and the football predictions
Set aside the latest greatest whatever.
Move it off the table of your heart
And create space for the truly important:
The drowning people fleeing war torn countries where children are starving or being buried alive in bombed out rubble;
The families displaced-many forever-from homes that were nowhere near a flood plain and who never imagined they would watch a lifetime of memories float downstream;
The frightened ones trafficked for men’s pleasure-praying that someone, anyone, notices and steps in to save them;
The lonely teen unsure of where to turn until his thoughts become so unendurable that only one way out seems reasonable;
The old man or old woman, forgotten and alone, breathing stale air in a home that isn’t home-no one speaking his name, her name-as if they had already passed from this life to the next.
You think it doesn’t matter much.
You think someone else will take care of it
Until it’s you–
Waiting for light in the darkness
Looking for hope to hold onto
Begging for help as you’re drowning in despair.
As it is, you boast in your proud intentions. All such boasting is evil. Therefore whoever knows the right thing to do, yet fails to do it, is guilty of sin.
James 4:17 The Berean Study Bible
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Surrender
“Follow Me,” Jesus said to the twelve.
“Follow Me,” Jesus said to me when I was just a child.
“Yes,” I replied-not knowing or counting the cost.
If it was a single commitment without opportunity for turning back then it would be easy.
But it’s not.
Every day I have to face the question, “Did God REALLY say?” Boy that serpent knew just where to aim the spear of doubt so it would cause the greatest damage.
Can I believe that God is in control? Can I believe that He is good? Can I believe that He loves me?
Can I believe all those things when my circumstances scream, “NO!”
But I HAVE to believe.
Because if I can’t trust God, then I am without hope. If I can’t rely on His Word then there’s no foundation and no future. If He is not Who He says He is, then I should just quit now.
So I find myself at the foot of the cross, again. Facing my fears and having to choose: Who shall I serve?
Surrender is hard. Daily surrender is harder.
I cannot remake my heart. I cannot breathe life into my own breathless soul.
I can only place myself on the altar and allow God’s Spirit to do it for me.
So here I am.
Again.
Brothers and sisters, God has shown you his mercy. So I am asking you to offer up your bodies to him while you are still alive. Your bodies are a holy sacrifice that is pleasing to God. When you offer your bodies to God, you are worshiping him in the right way.
Romans 12: 1 NIRV
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A Little Extra Grace
Each day I am reminded by sights, smells, sounds and memories that Dominic is in Heaven and not here.
But there are moments and seasons when his absence is particularly strong-when I can’t breathe in without also breathing a prayer, “Father, let me make it through this minute, this hour, this day.”
And that’s when I need grace-from family, friends and strangers.
Anyone who knows ANYONE that lives with loss knows that Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays and remembrance days are sure to be especially hard for those left behind.
What some may not know is that there are other, hidden, pitfalls on this journey through the Valley of the Shadow of Death.
For many bereaved parents the beginning of the school year is one of them.
Even though my son was long past school age when he left, that shiny penny newness and promise of another year of school, another step toward maturity and the rest of life, another marker on the road to what every parent hopes will be a beautiful future is a painful reminder that my child won’t be doing anything new here on earth.
And a little extra grace goes a long way toward making this season easier to endure.
- A bit more patience as I walk slowly across the parking lot, lost in thought and unaware you are behind me trying to get on with life or park your car.
- A smile when I accidentally bump my cart into yours in the grocery aisle-having just passed his favorite food or smelled coffee and been instantly transported to his finicky passion for all things caffeine
- Calm responses when I jump to conclusions, cut you off mid-sentence or answer a query with a less-than-kind tone of voice.
Want to be especially encouraging to a parent missing their child in heaven?
- A text or message or a “thinking of you” card can turn a dismal day into one full of sunshine.
- Do you have a special memory or memento you could share? What a gift!
If you see us in these next few days and weeks as thoughts and hearts turn from summer to a new semester, be patient-we are once again reminded that our child’s earthly story has ended.
It’s a hard truth to embrace.
Every. time.
thelifeididntchoose 