Ugly Crying

I haven’t had a good gut-wrenching, chest-thumping ugly cry in awhile.

I had one yesterday.  

Taking clothes off the line to bring indoors before nightfall, I was suddenly overcome with emotion.

I remembered Dominic’s graduation presentation in our back yard.  I thought about my daughter’s wedding and how he was missing another important event.  Then I pictured my grandson who would never know Uncle Dominic in three dimensions-only by flat photos and through our renderings of him.

Five years!

How can it possibly be five years since I last saw that face, hugged that neck, heard that voice?

And what has become of us in the meantime?  

We are more  

and less.

More compassionate, more deliberate in maintaining connection with one another, more focused on what really matters,  more likely to cry in movies, more willing to drive or fly or walk or swim to get to the people we love.  Five minutes of face-to-face makes it worthwhile.  

We are less tolerant of petty grievances, less sure that bad things don’t happen to “good” people, less likely to sweat the small stuff and less inclined to assume we know another heart’s story when we first meet her.  We don’t take anything for granted.  

Walking into wedding weekend is another giant challenge.  Full of beautiful things and special moments and wonderful friends.  

But we all carry Dominic-his life, light and death-with us everywhere we go.  

So I’m sure there will be moments when my heart shows up on my face.  

I’m bringing a hanky.  ❤

 

 

Author: Melanie

I am a shepherd, wife and mother of four amazing children, three that walk the earth with me and one who lives with Jesus. This is a record of my grief journey and a look into the life I didn't choose. If you are interested in joining a community of bereaved parents leaning on the promises of God in Christ, please like the public Facebook page, "Heartache and Hope: Life After Losing a Child" and join the conversation.

9 thoughts on “Ugly Crying”

  1. We just married our daughter to Brenton’s best friend. Very emotional for multiple reasons. The day was perfect and the wedding was wonderful. Yes, Brenton was definitely in speeches, he had a seat reserved, and was talked about often. I fully expect you will experience some of what I did which is those quiet moments that catch you when you see your daughter and know her brother won’t be able to, or when you see her coming down the isle. I know I struggled a few times but it was beautiful and Brenton was there by our sides all day.

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  2. Pingback: Ugly Crying – thelifeididntchoose | Loss, Grief, Bereavement and Life Transitions Resource Library

  3. I love your open honesty. How you can be so happy and excited for your child and at the same time feel a sense of sadness deep within because of how life could have been. I have struggled for some years because I would have such conflicting emotions and if I tried to explain to someone how I felt I would come away feeling like I somehow was dishonest because how could I feel happy and sad at the same time? It has helped me so much since I’ve connected with other parents who have lost children. I thank God for your posts. I don’t want someone to just pat me on the back and justify anything I say or do but it has been such a wonderful thing to hear other parents express their feelings and realize I’m not crazy or some terrible person for having feelings that I shouldn’t at times. Thank you so much Melanie.

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  4. I’m facing the same challenge very soon. Our only daughter will be married in November to a wonderful young man, and her only brother will not be a physical part of the celebration. I already cry just thinking about it (and its been 10 YEARS!). Lets hope, for all of our sakes, that this is one of those instances where the anticipation is worse than the reality. Hugs, prayers and love to you! Now go celebrate 😉

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  6. As a bereavement counsellor, we often find it helps to continue the bond with the loved one in some way. Some people actually set them a table place, mention their name in a speech, a photo or something more subtle that others wouldn’t recognise. I hope you enjoy your celebration.

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  8. I’m holding you and your family in my heart and prayers this weekend, Melanie. I’m so happy for your daughter and soon-to-be-son-in-law. But understanding of the heaviness we carry in our hearts, and sometimes on our faces, as we celebrate another family milestone without a precious son/brother. Grace, peace, love and prayers for you and your family as you welcome a new member.

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  9. Beautifully put, Melanie. I have had such experiences. My daughter was married 7 months after her brother died. I had a funeral & wedding in the same year. Have a beautiful wedding & give yourself some extra self care after. Bring something of your Dominic’s with you in a pocket or such. Who could ever imagine what it means to be a brave Mom? Xoxo

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