I need to remind myself of this every few days.
I’ve mentioned it before.
I’ve encouraged others not to resist.
But I want to be absolutely clear: Losing my son made me doubt EVERYTHING.
Read the rest here: He Will Hold Me Fast
Category: authenticity
Head Above Water (Most of the Time)
Some days I go gangbusters-rip through my “To Do” list from top to bottom before lunchtime.
And some days I can barely get up out of the chair in the morning for a second cup of coffee.
It depends.
Most times I have no idea what throws me into a tailspin.
Oh, I’m prepared for the “circle the date on the calendar days” like Mother’s Day (coming up!), Dominic’s birthday, his heaven day and the holidays. But there are random, not-special-occasion-days that plunge my head under a grief wave that I did not see coming.
Maybe it’s the smell of cut grass through an open window or the sound of a motorcycle thrumming at the end of our lane or the sight of trees full of leaves (again-another season he isn’t here). I really don’t know.
The drowning feeling may last five minutes or five hours. All I can do is go with it and hope the wave spits me out sooner rather than later.
And they DO pass.
My heart is always tender, always aware of missing Dominic. But it is better able to join in laughter and celebration than it was even six months ago.
I no longer feel as if I am drowning every moment of every day with only a gasp of air now and then.
Instead I feel like I’m swimming-tired and often out of-sight of shore-but managing most of the time to keep my head above water.
Grief waves come. They will always come. I have to endure the choking, sputtering, frightening, drowning feeling when they do.
But they are not the only thing I feel now.
And for that, I am very grateful.
Fake Flowers and Strong Winds
Don’t judge me but in an effort to add a bit of color to my entryway and make peace with the fact that goats eat EVERYTHING-I’ve created pots of colorful silk arrangements. And if I do say so myself, they look pretty authentic as long as you don’t examine them too closely.
This morning I woke to find my carefully arranged fake flowers strewn across my front yard. Strong winds during the night had lifted them out of the pots and carried them everywhere-betraying their true nature.
No pretending now.
As I stooped down to gather the remnants and reposition them I thought about how much of my own life is spent trying to look better than I really am. How often am I arranging “fake flowers” in an effort to fool the eye of the beholder?
And who am I trying to impress anyway?
When the winds of life come blowing hard, all that “fake me” gets stripped away. I’m not strong enough to withstand the wind and keep pretending.
It hardly seemed like a gift at the time, but when Dominic left us, I realized that I had been utterly exposed-every false thing was stripped away and I was standing, defenseless and naked-emotions everywhere, my ability to “keep up appearances” absolutely GONE.
For a time I no longer tried to curate my life so it met with others’ approval.
But old habits die hard and I find myself slipping back into the rut of trying to be something I’m not. Pride clings to every pore and insists that if I don’t do the right thing, say the right thing and look the part, people will turn away.
Wouldn’t it just be better if I was real ALL the time?
Wouldn’t my relationships be stronger if they were built on honest sharing and authentic connections?
I have learned through the years that God does not want just our happy; He also really wants our sad. Everything is not fine, and God wants to hear about it. He is drawn to us when we’re mourning and blesses us in a special way. God is not up there minimizing our pain and comparing it to others who have it worse than we do. God wants all pain to be surrendered to Him, and He has the capacity to respond to it all with infinite compassion.
~Esther Fleece, No More Faking Fine, p. 35
So I’m taking back the gift of authenticity that was purchased at such high cost.
I’m re-embracing the honesty that being stripped of all pretense exposed.
I’m keeping my fake flowers but I’m ditching the fake me.
Learning Limits
An exchange with a Facebook friend got me thinking.
How much of my struggle in life is a result of ignoring my own limits?
How much pain do I inflict on myself because I won’t admit I need help? Why do I insist on living to the edge of endurance and emotional capacity?
Why, why, why do I try so hard to keep up a front of invincibility?
Pride.
Pride goads me like a whip.
Pride makes me say, “yes” when I should say, “no”. Pride whispers the lie to my heart that I can be everything to everyone because I am “all that”. Pride makes me believe I am the focus of others’ attention and conversation when they probably haven’t even noticed.
Foolish woman!
When I try to do too much, I am unable to do anything well. When I spread myself too thin, I guarantee that I’ll crack under the pressure of keeping up appearances.
Truth is, I’m not fooling anyone. And I’m not serving myself or others well.
I’m learning some lessons in this Valley and one of them is to try to accept my limits. I need to be honest about how much I can and cannot do, what I can and cannot carry alone.
Admitting I am human is hardly a unique confession-it’s the plight of all who walk the earth. When I do, I invite others to walk alongside and assist me in carrying the load.
Asking for help isn’t weakness, it’s strength.
Tomorrow, Tomorrow
It took me nearly two years to hang a wall calendar again. It took that long, plus some, to add anything to it besides close family birthdays and doctor’s appointments.
I would record what I did AFTER the fact, but I just couldn’t let my heart make plans.
Because I had made plans–lots and lots of plans-before Dominic ran ahead to heaven unexpectedly and wrecked them all.
There’s another reason looking forward is hard on my heart:
No matter how wonderful the event, no matter how anticipated the birth, or wedding, or graduation, or party-there will always, always, always be one person missing.
I still find making plans difficult.
I don’t make many and the ones I do make I hold lightly. I warn friends that I may get up the “morning of” and decide that I just cannot do it. The closest ones (the only ones I really have left) totally understand and never pressure me otherwise.
But as I have rounded the corner of three years, I am beginning to be able to look a little bit further in the distance.
I am able to pencil in some fun things more than a week in advance. I’ve even started looking up ideas on Pinterest again-ideas for birthday gifts months in advance, for dinner table decorations and for craft projects to occupy the hottest parts of summer days.
And I’m learning to take Dominic WITH me as I walk into tomorrow after tomorrow without his physical presence. I’m finding ways to keep him close, to have him near, to share him with others so that the vibrant man he was (and still IS-in heaven) is remembered and honored.
The fact is that tomorrow comes whether I am dragged kicking and screaming into the new day or whether I go willingly, with purpose and with grace.
I am trying to choose purpose and grace.
Sometimes it’s really, really hard.
But when I do-it’s worth it.
Twenty-four Hours
I don’t know just when I figured it out, but somewhere in this Valley it dawned on me-NO day lasts forever.
Many feel like they do.
The day I got the news stretched impossibly long in front of me as calls were made and people came to be wtih us.
But even THAT day ended. Night fell, the earth turned, and another sunrise showed up on cue.
Remembering that truth is how I manage to keep going most of the time. I remind my heart that no matter how hard today is, it will end. I recite the mantra, “No day lasts forever. No day lasts forever” over and over if I have to. I refuse to look at the clock and count the minutes-instead I occupy my mind and hands until they pass of their own accord.
Some days are good. I’m with people I love and doing things that bring joy.
Some days are unbearably hard. The sorrow and missing that I manage to keep in check most of the time bubble up like lava and consume me with their red-hot pain.
It doesn’t matter.
Night falls,
the earth turns
and another sunrise will show up on cue.
The Day Before It All Fell Apart
Friday, April 11, 2014:
Julian and I went to a college honors banquet and came back to the house to find Fiona home for the weekend. I called Hector and texted with James Michael.
I turned out the light and went to sleep.
No warning shots across the bow of life rang out to let me know what was coming.
But that Friday was the last day I spent misunderstanding the awfulness of death and the absolute uncertainty of life.
Those were the final 24 hours when I indulged in silly chatter, playful planning and the mundane tasks that used to take up most of my time.
That Friday was the last night I fell asleep thanking God that all my family were safe and secure.
It was the last night I COULD have called Dominic, but didn’t because he was coming over Saturday morning.
The sun rose for us, but not for him.
I will never forgive myself for not talking to him one last time.
I woke up in the still-dark morning to a deputy knocking on the door to tell me Dominic had been killed.
And my world fell apart.
It’s been [eleven] years and it is not yet put back together. Pieces have been picked up and tacked into what remains of the outer shell.
I can function.
I can even laugh.
And I am so, so grateful for the family I have still with me. Together we are working hard to make it through.
But there are no words to help those who have never buried a child understand the depth of the pain, the sorrow and the ongoing struggle to live each day.
I miss my son.
I miss the family we used to be.
I miss the old me.
I miss being blissfully ignorant of exactly how awful death is.
I will not live long enough for this to stop hurting.
My son is gone.
He is GONE.
He is still gone.
And even [eleven] years later, I can barely stand it.
Healing? Curing? Same Thing?
Healing and curing are not the same thing.
Healing is a process that takes as long as it takes and may never be complete this side of eternity. It’s a folding in of the hard parts of my story, an acknowledgement of the way I am changed because of the wounds I’ve received. It involves scar tissue and sore spots and ongoing pain.
To be cured is to be free of the effects of disease or injury.
And there is no cure for child loss.
I will never be free of the effects of burying a child this side of Heaven.
I did not understand the difference until it was my heart bearing an incurable wound.
The thing about healing, as opposed to curing, is that it is relational. It takes time. It is inefficient, like a meandering river. Rarely does healing follow a straight or well-lit path. Rarely does it conform to our expectations or resolve in a timely manner. Walking with someone through grief or through the process of reconciliation requires patience, presence, and a willingness to wander, to take the scenic route.
~Rachel Held Evans, Searching for Sunday
It really IS all about relationship.
Relationship first with the Living God through His Son, Jesus.
The ongoing life-giving ministry of His Spirit calls courage to me as I travel this Valley and sings hope to my heart when I cannot hear anything else.
He will not leave me in my distress.
He does not abandon me in my darkest hour.
But it is also about relationship with others.
Relationship with those willing to meander with me along this unlit and winding path. They are the ones who give me courage to carry on. They are the ones who lift me up when I am unable to lift myself and who lie down with me when even their best pep talk is not enough to get me off the floor.
They have listened to me tell and retell my story.
The first time I told it, I didn’t have a clue what to say or how to say it-what to leave in, what to leave out. How do you condense a life-sized earthquake to a novel, much less a few sentences?
But I find as I practice telling my story, it is healing.
Sometimes it’s as if I speak without my mind being engaged and listening, I have an “aha” moment-suddenly recognizing a new insight and another place that needs work or has received healing.
I’ve learned that there is no substitute for companionship on this journey.
My healing depends on the faithful Presence of my Shepherd
AND
the faithful presence of friends who refuse to leave even when it seems we are lost in the wilderness of grief together,
Again and Again
I don’t cry nearly as much as I used to.
I’m not sure if it’s because I feel the need less often or because I’m just better at holding the tears at bay. But when I do, it’s pretty ugly.
My heart is still broken.
My soul still cries out for the child I carried in my womb and mothered for nearly 24 years.
I am not the person I used to be.
And I don’t know how to be the person I am now.
I had time to grow into the “me” that was shattered in a moment when a deputy knocked on my door. There was no time to get used to THIS news-not even the nine months it takes for a baby to grow to birth maturity.
In a breath, my son was gone. In a breath, my world was changed.
I have lived with this truth for nearly three years.
I tell the story like it happened to someone else. I give the important facts, the little details that make it real but it still seems unreal in so many ways.
I cannot believe this is my life
And when it hits me that this IS, in fact, my life-that’s when the crying starts.
I can’t help it.
I am just as astonished today as I ever was.
For in grief nothing “stays put.” One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?
But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?
How often — will it be for always? — how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, “I never realized my loss till this moment”? The same leg is cut off time after time.
~C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Repost: Silence Doesn’t Serve Anyone Well
One of the reasons I write is to share my grief experience with others.
I realized when tossed into the ocean of sorrow that of all the things I had heard about or read about, surviving child loss was never mentioned.
Read the rest here: Silence Doesn’t Serve Anyone Well
thelifeididntchoose 