Category: compassion

Lessons In Grief: Trying To Be a Better Listener

I admit it:  I’m a fixer.

It’s probably genetic (won’t mention any names!) but it has been reinforced by training and life experience.

When faced with a difficult or messy situation, my mind instantly rolls through an inventory of available resources and possible solutions.

And I tended to cut people off mid-sentence with my brilliant (?) plan to save the day.

But there are things you just can’t fix.

I knew that before Dominic ran ahead to Heaven but I mostly ignored it.

I can’t do that anymore.

heart leaf torn

So I’m learning to listen better.  Learning to let others express the hard things that can’t be fixed so that their burden is a bit lighter for the sharing.  I’m learning that silent hand holding or hugging or just looking someone in the eye instead of dodging their gaze is a great gift.

I’m learning that lending courage is possible.  One heart can actually beat in synchrony with another and the duet is musical and magical strength.

I’m learning that there are too many voices shouting “solution!” and too few ears listening to the full expression of a problem.

I’m learning that often my rush to remedy is hurtful, not helpful.

I’m learning that time does not heal all wounds-there are many among us bearing injuries that may be decades old but have never been spoken aloud because no one would listen.

we all need people who will listen to our stories

I’m learning that even the spoken stories need to be repeated often and with just as much emotion each time because the telling has a way of releasing pain all it’s own.  

I’m convinced that if we were a society of listeners who slowed down just long enough to really HEAR other people’s stories we’d be a society with much less pent up anger, bitterness and other dark emotions.

sometimes you can hurt yourself more by keeping feelings hidden

I’m embracing the old saying, “God gave us two ears and one mouth so we should listen twice as much as we talk”.  

Sometimes that means literally biting my tongue or placing my hand over my mouth.  

But I’m trying not to waste this hard-bought lesson.  

Need an ear?  

I’m here.  ❤

friends hugging

Holy Week 2025: Why Good Friday Matters as Much as Resurrection Sunday

On the one hand Death is the triumph of Satan, the punishment of the Fall, and the last enemy. Christ shed tears at the grave of Lazarus and sweated blood in Gethsemane: the Life of Lives that was in Him detested this penal obscenity not less than we do, but more. On the other hand, only he who loses his life will save it. We are baptized into the death of Christ, and it is the remedy for the Fall.

Death is, in fact, what some modern people call “ambivalent.” It is Satan’s great weapon and also God’s great weapon: it is holy and unholy; our supreme disgrace and our only hope; the thing Christ came to conquer and the means by which He conquered.

~C.S. Lewis,  Miracles

Bury a child and suddenly the death of Christ becomes oh, so personal. 

The image of Mary at the foot of the cross is too hard to bear.

Read the rest here:  Remember: Why Good Friday Matters as Much as Resurrection Sunday

A Little Update

I’m no good at what feels like self promotion in an age of influencers and social media personalities chasing after likes and shares. I subscribe to the George Mueller philosophy of ministry which is to take your needs and heart’s desires directly to the Lord.

But I also know that if people aren’t aware of what the Lord may be doing in a particular area, they may be unaware of how to participate in that work.

So in the hopes of giving folks that opportunity, I wanted to share a bit about what’s been going on lately with Heartache and Hope (the ministry) and with the blog.

Soon it will be ten years since I began writing here.

Since that time, The Life I Didn’t Choose has been viewed over 4,250,000 times. There are more than 3,500 entries and some posts have been shared in the tens of thousands. According to WordPress it has been accessed in every country around the world except North Korea. There is no way to calculate the number of individuals and families impacted reflected by those statistics.

I founded heartacheandhope.org in September, 2024 to expand the ministry begun through the blog and to reach out in different and varied ways to bereaved parents, their families and those that love them.

Since then, we’ve hosted four in-person support group meetings including a special “Blue Christmas” memorial service in December.

I’ve hosted and facilitated two bereaved moms’ retreats (three more scheduled for this year) and traveled to Chattanooga to share with a group there.

Through those contacts and events over forty families have been encouraged to hold onto Hope and wait well, leaning into the promises of Jesus that their pain will be redeemed.



We will continue to host the monthly meetings and hope to add a monthly virtual meeting beginning in March. I will travel to Virginia to share at the Our Hearts are Home Spring Conference in April.

I’d LOVE the opportunity to meet with pastors, chaplains, social workers and those who tend to be with families at the point of hearing “the news”. I am available and willing to meet with others-just message me.

I’ve developed downloadable, printable resources that are available free on the website.

I host a private Facebook group for bereaved parents (https://www.facebook.com/groups/947404501987955 ) and a public Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/heartacheandhope) accessible to anyone offering helpful insights into walking this broken road and to walking beside those who must travel it.

I know everyone reading this is not a bereaved parent but I promise you KNOW a bereaved parent (even if you think you don’t). I also know that both the blog and the ministry have been helpful to other hearts who are living with intractable unsolvable-this-side-of-eternity pain.

I am so, so thankful to every single person who has prayed for me in the more than ten years since Dominic ran ahead to Heaven. Coming up on another anniversary is hard no matter how long it’s been.

I cannot say enough about those who have chosen to walk beside me and who have encouraged me to share my story in hopes of encouraging others. I couldn’t do it without you!

I appreciate the many tangible donations (monetary, time, materials) that have been made to facilitate this work.


You are making an eternal difference, friends!

Lighting a candle is never in vain.

And lighting the way to Hope always bears fruit.

If you want to know more about the ministry you can find that here:

http://heartacheandhope.org

If you want to subscribe to the blog you can do so here:

thelifeididntchoose.com

If you feel led to join me in this ministry to the brokenhearted, here’s the link:

http://square.link/u/cNen14Q1

If you have any questions or just want to chat, feel free to DM me on Facebook.

Some Step Up. Some Step Away.

I was absolutely overwhelmed in those first days.

Cars, cars, cars filled my long driveway and front yard.

People spilling out like ants scrambling after the hill is disturbed.

Oh, our hill was disturbed-knocked wide open by that deputy’s visit.

Read the rest here:Who Steps In? Who Walks Out?

We All Make a Difference-One Way or the Other

Toss that rock in the water and see what happens.

It’s impossible to keep the ripples from moving farther and farther from the point of impact.

And even though I can’t see it, my casual toss has changed the environment of the pond in ways it would not have been changed without my action.

Our lives are like that- we touch other people every day and rarely know how our brief brush may ripple through their lives for years or even eternity.

I have been lifted up by a smile offered by a stranger-that buoyant mood lasting long enough to save an otherwise dreary day.

I have also had a beautiful morning made overcast by the sour attitude of someone that should be helpful.

I want to bring sunshine not rain wherever I go.

I want to speak courage to trembling hearts.

No telling how far the ripples may go. ❤️

We Pray You Never Know

I participate in a number of online support groups for bereaved parents.

And one topic that makes the rounds at least once a week-often once a day-is how those outside our experience cannot truly understand our experience.

Because it’s true-you THINK you can imagine the pain of child loss if you have children, but even the most vivid imagination can’t conjure the utter blackness that waits on the other side of hearing, “Your son is dead.”

There’s a great divide between me and those who have not experienced child loss.

But it’s one I hope they never have to cross.

Because it’s a mercy to not know.

If all of us could fathom the pain of losing a child, no one would bear children–the risk would be too great.

So while the gap can be a source of misunderstanding and isolation for ME, it is a safeguard for YOU.

And I am grateful for it.  ❤

pain-behind-every-tear

Life is Short. Make Haste to Be Kind.

Grief has worn away some of the sharp edges of my personality.

I’m still prone to impatience-especially when faced with incompetence or hateful behavior in others.

But I’m learning that walking gently through life is not only good for others, it’s good for ME.

Life IS short.  ‘

Not just the life of a child or teen or young adult cut down by accident or disease.

But even if I live my “threescore and ten” the Bible talks about, it will STILL be short.  Seventy, eighty, one hundred years set on the timeline of history or eternity is less than a pinpoint.

What do I want my legacy to be?  What do I want to leave behind for others to remember, to ponder, to carry in their hearts attached to my memory?

small things with great love

That’s easy.  I want my legacy to be love.

I want people to remember that I treated them with kindness, that I respected them as persons, that I reached out, reached down and never separated myself from them by false barriers, foolish divisions or fake measures of who is “better” and who is “worse”.

forget what you say 3

More than anything I want people to feel that I made their burden lighter, not heavier.

So much of life is hard. 

So many things happen for which there is no remedy. 

I can’t choose everything, but I can choose love.

Life is short and we have not much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark way with us. Oh, be swift to love! Make haste to be kind.

– Henri Fredric Amiel

Christmas 2024: Christmas Morning Prayer for Hurting Hearts

Oh, dear one who opened your eyes to the morning light carrying wounds so deep no one can see!

I am so, so sorry.

When things have gone terribly wrong it’s hard to get up and make merry.

I know.

Read the rest here: Christmas Morning Prayer for Hurting Hearts

Advent: Qualified By Hopelessness

I don’t know about you but I’ve never thought of hopelessness as something I wanted on my resume.

Hopelessness is typically tossed into the pile of “negative” feelings we all acknowledge but don’t want to experience and if we do, we try to minimize, rationalize or disguise them.

If I admit to it at all, I tend to look downward, whisper quickly and pray that no one takes much notice because it feels shameful.

But maybe hopelessness is the first step to truly celebrating Christmas.

Read the rest here: Qualified by Hopelessness: An Empty Heart Can Be Filled

Christmas 2024: Why, Oh Why, Is Christmas So Hard???

I first shared this a few years ago when I really thought I should have reached a place in my grief journey where holidays weren’t as difficult as they were at first.

But what I realized then and what has been confirmed since is that every year has new and unique situations that make Christmas a fresh challenge each time.❤

As the eleventh Christmas without Dominic rapidly approaches, I am pondering the question:  “Why, oh why, is Christmas so hard?” 

I think I’ve figured out at least a few reasons why.

Read the rest here: Why, Oh Why, is Christmas So Hard???