I wrote this three years ago but it still speaks my heart.
❤
I will not get used to the fact that my son is beyond my reach. I have come to a certain acceptance of it as fact, and acknowledgement of the truth that I cannot change that fact.
The pain hasn’t become less painful, only more familiar. It doesn’t surprise me as often when it pricks my heart anew.
The world goes on.
Read the rest here: True Truth
In the waiting, in the searching
In the healing and the hurting
Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces
Every minute, every moment
Where I’ve been and where I’m going
Even when I didn’t know it or couldn’t see it
There was Jesus
Jonathan Smith/ Casey Beathard/ Zach Williams -“There Was Jesus”
Songs reach places in my heart that words alone can never touch.
There is so much truth in this one.
When I couldn’t see Him, couldn’t feel Him, had no evidence of His Presence-Jesus was there.
His strength sustained me, His love protected my heart from bitterness, His grace was enough-is enough-for each day.
In the waiting, in the searching.
There was Jesus.
In the healing and the hurting.
There was Jesus.
There is a blessing buried in the broken pieces.
He is Jesus.
Our family’s experience was a bit unusual though hardly unique.
In the two months after Dominic ran ahead to Heaven we had Easter, two graduations, a wedding, Mother’s Day and his birthday.
So we were thrust right into the uncomfortable whirlwind of celebration and mourning from the start.
I remember having to dig deep to let the happy come out through the muck and mire of sorrow.
But even then, it was there.
Six years later and it’s much easier to let laughter loose and produce a genuine smile for those Kodak camera moments.
Six years later there are a heap of things to be happy about not the least of which is the addition of this little fella to the family circle.
From frightening beginnings to a first birthday full of love, laughter, food and fun my grandson has come a long, long way.
A couple of days ago was the one year anniversary of his coming home from NICU-what a glorious day when he made that trip safely and slept the first night in his crib next to his parents’ bed!
I am still in awe of how this story (that could have had a much different ending) has a beautiful one.
Last night his dad FaceTimed us and we got to see our little Captain cutting up, laughing, taking a few tentative steps, reacting to our voices and generally having a great time.
It’s balm to my soul.
It doesn’t fill the space where Dominic should be but it has enlarged my heart once again.
If you are wondering if you will ever feel joy or gladness again, hang on.
Celebrate the good things even when it’s hard.
It’s not treason to let love and laughter back in.
❤
It’s what you do, it’s what you say.
“Please”and “thank you” are how we live in community with others.
Even when our world is crumbling and our hearts are breaking, we don’t toss these courtesies away.
You begin to realize that everyone has a tragedy, and that if he doesn’t, he will. You recognize how much is hidden beneath the small courtesies and civilities of everyday existence. Deep sorrow and traces of great loss run through everyone’s lives, and yet they let others step into the elevator first, wave them ahead in a line of traffic, smile and greet their children and inquire about their lives, and never let on for a second that they, too, have lain awake at night in longing and regret, that they, too, have cried until it seemed impossible that one person could hold so many tears, that they, too, keep a picture of someone locked in their heart and bring it out in quiet, solitary moments to caress and remember.
Roseanne Cash, Composed: A Memoir by Roseanne Cash
I remember walking down the grocery store aisle wondering if the face I smiled into was faking it like I was. I wondered if they were hiding behind pleasantries because they form a good shield.
I imagine, on some level, most were. Because nearly everyone has a secret wound.
And, like Cash said, if they haven’t yet, they will be.
Sometimes I run across a poem that is absolutely perfect.
This is one of those.
Read the rest here: Blessing For The Brokenhearted
It’s a funny thing.
If you’ve never faced anything very frightening, it’s easy to think that those who do and march on through are somehow immune to fear.
But nothing could be further from the truth.
Courage is not the absence of fear but the mastery of it.
Read the rest here: Courage Requires Vulnerability
I first shared this post about a year ago.
I was planning my daughter’s wedding and juggling a number of other pressing responsibilities. I managed to keep my composure most days when talking with caterers, family members and vendors but all that pent up stress kept me from falling asleep when I finally put my head down at night.
I had just begun to settle back into a decent sleep pattern when my mother suffered a stroke and died a few days later in September.
That threw me right back into the sleepless cycle that plagued me for years after Dominic ran ahead to Heaven in 2014. I couldn’t fall asleep or when I fell asleep I couldn’t stay asleep. What sleep I managed to get was filled with terrible and terribly vivid dreams.
I’m not sure I will ever enjoy the blissfully ignorant and pleasant slumber I knew as a young girl.
My heart won’t let me.
❤
For the first couple of weeks after Dominic left us, I couldn’t fall asleep.
It was impossible to close my eyes without a dozen awful scenes flashing behind the lids.
Silent darkness was not my friend.
Read the rest here: https://thelifeididntchoose.com/2019/05/02/sleepless-nights/
I’m kind of selective in what memes I toss around.
I don’t usually share them unless I can agree wholeheartedly with them.
But sometimes a meme is the simplest and most effective way to communicate truth. And sometimes I just need a quick lift on a hard day.
So here are a few I like:
Read the rest here: https://thelifeididntchoose.com/2019/05/14/eight-grief-quotes-that-help-my-heart-on-hard-days/
Healing and curing are not the same thing.
Healing is a process that takes as long as it takes and may never be complete this side of eternity. It’s a folding in of the hard parts of my story, an acknowledgement of the way I am changed because of the wounds I’ve received. It involves scar tissue and sore spots and ongoing pain.
Read the rest here: https://thelifeididntchoose.com/2017/04/08/healing-curing-same-thing/
We buried the earthly remains of my son six years ago today.
I still have no idea how I walked away from that deep pit where his body would be lowered never to see daylight again.
But I did.
Western society doesn’t like to acknowledge the horror of death. We don’t like to be too dramatic, cry too loudly, wail and weep throwing our bodies over a casket.
But maybe we should.
Why can’t we have a dramatic outburst at the edge of death that burns an unforgettable image in the hearts and minds of those who join us to say good-bye?
Read the rest here: https://thelifeididntchoose.com/2017/04/12/fragments/
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