Oh, sometimes I think I’m clever enough to do it.
I edit my words, costume my body and fix my face so I can act the part. But truth is, I never manage to fool anyone who looks closer than my plastic smile.
I can’t hide my heart.
And I don’t know why I try-I don’t get points for pretending.
There’s no prize at the end of this long road for the one who makes it with fewest tears.
Read the rest here: Zero Points for Pretending: You Can’t Hide Your Heart
It’s tempting to try to hide our tears and fears from our living children and grandchildren.
Who wants to overload a young heart and mind with grown-up problems?
There is definitely a place and time to shelter little people-it’s never appropriate to offload onto small shoulders what we just don’t want to carry ourselves.
But it is neither helpful nor healthy to pretend that sorrow and sadness don’t follow loss.
When I stuff feelings and insist on keeping a “stiff upper lip” I’m telling my kids that it’s not OK to admit that they are struggling.
When I act like it’s no big deal to set up the Christmas tree and deck the halls without their brother here, I’m encouraging them to remain silent instead of speaking up if their hearts are heavy instead of happy.
When I never voice my discomfort with certain activities or social events I am modeling a false front and fake smiles.
Of course, there are times we all have to suck it up and suck it in along this path. But that shouldn’t be the norm. As I’ve said over and over before-if we stuff our hearts full of unreleased feelings, we leave no room for the grace and mercy God wants to pour into them.
I can tell you that many, many folks have interviewed surviving siblings years and decades after their brother or sister left and have consistently discovered that most of them tried hard to live up to whatever standards their grieving parents set.
If Mom and Dad refused to talk about the loss, then they refused to talk about it too. If, on the other hand, the family practiced open communication, they were able to process feelings in real time instead of stuffing and having to deal with them later.
One of the greatest challenges in child loss (or any profound loss) is creating space within our closest grief circle to allow each person affected to express themselves whatever that looks like.
But it’s so, so important!
Don’t hide your tears.
Don’t shut down the questions.
Don’t lock away the uncertainty and anxiety child loss brings in a trunk and only bring it out when no one’s watching.
Because the little people (and not so little people) in your house are ALWAYS watching.
They need permission to grieve. ❤
I’m hosting a seminar for bereaved moms October 18th. I’ve got it set up as an event on Facebook but I wanted to share it here to make sure no one misses out. ❤
It’s not going to be anything fancy but I hope it will help some of us gird our loins for the last two months of the year that prove challenging to all of us whose child has run ahead to Heaven.
A precious friend who is an amazing baker and caterer will be furnishing the food.
I will be sharing from some things I’ve written in the past and some new things I’ve learned about this year.
We’ll open things up so others who want to can share what has/hasn’t worked for them in the past and we’ll allow for questions and brainstorming.
So bring your appetite, bring a notebook and join us!
We *may* try to Facebook live my talk but don’t depend on that since internet connections out here in the woods aren’t always reliable or strong enough to stream anything.
It’s listed publicly as an event on my own Facebook page and on my public Heartache and Hope page so please go THERE and RSVP if interested.
Here are the important details:
Grief and Holidays Seminar and Supper for Bereaved Moms
Thursday, October 18
6:30-9:30 pm (don’t be thrown off by the length-we will stay and share up to that time, but if you need to leave sooner you certainly can)
Johntown Baptist Church
5201 Vance Road
West Blocton, AL 35184 (About 30/35 minutes from Tuscaloosa, AL and about 45-65 minutes from most Birmingham, AL locations)
There is plenty of space but we need a head count for food and handouts, so RSVP by Sunday, October 14th.
A friend who is now battling a new challenge in addition to child loss posted this on her Facebook timeline:
You’re not going to master the rest of your life in one day. Just relax.
Master the day.
Then just keep doing that every day.
I LOVE it! And it reminded me of this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson that has been on my refrigerator for years:
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
Truth is, no matter how much we may TRY to live life in weeks or months or years, we really are only able to live it one day at a time.
And as Jesus said over 2000 years ago: “Don’t worry at all then about tomorrow. Tomorrow can take care of itself! One day’s trouble is enough for one day.” (Matthew 6:34)
If I never knew it before, I know it now.
I am good for a single 24 hour period-one revolution of the earth.
That’s it.
Sure I put stuff on my calendar. I have to. But I never take it for granted. I never assume that what I think is going to happen next week really will happen next week.
I know better.
And I’ve also learned there is absolutely NO use in worrying about what MIGHT happen. Because worrying does not rob tomorrow of its problems, it only robs today of its joys.
So I work each day to do THAT day. I make it the most productive, most love-filled and life-giving day I can.
I go to bed satisfied that I’ve done my best.
Get up the next sunrise and do it again.
One day at a time.
Some of the writers and actors are doing a good job showing what it looks like to live through a nightmare.
Some, not so much.
But none of them will take it out to years and decades-the audience would lose interest, decide that story line needed refreshing or simply needed to GO.
For those living with child loss, it’s no story line. We don’t get to walk away, change the channel, find some new and more interesting or more comfortable screen to watch.
It’s our life.
And we need folks who will hang in and hang on while we live it out. ❤
You cannot possibly know that scented soap takes me back to my son’s apartment in an instant.
You weren’t there when I cleaned it for the last time, boxed up the contents under the sink and wiped the beautiful, greasy hand prints off the shower wall. He had worked on a friend’s car that night, jumped in to clean up and was off.
He never made it home.
So when I come out of the room red-eyed, teary and quiet, please don’t look at me like I’m a freak.
Please don’t corner me and ask, “What’s wrong?” Or worse-please, please, please don’t suggest I should be “over it by now”.
Read the rest here: Grief and Grace:What I Need from Friends and Family
We talk a lot about encouragement and we should.
Because coming alongside and speaking courage to a heart that wants to give up and give in is one of the most beautiful things in the world.
It’s a big part of why I write-my daily prayer is that the words I send into space land just where God wants them to and that somewhere, somehow a heart is made stronger.
But life is full of discouragement.
Sometimes it’s a phone call that brings news of a “no” when you were longing for “yes”.
Sometimes it’s finding out that there is more month than money.
Sometimes it’s a friend that doesn’t remember your birthday or anniversary or some other important date and you’re left with no one to celebrate that milestone.
Sometimes it’s the scale registering PLUS two pounds when you’ve been so, so careful to eat well and exercise all week long.
And sometimes it’s more serious than that-a diagnosis, a pink slip (do they do that anymore?), an argument with your child or spouse or parent.
One of the things I’m learning in this Valley is that I am not immune to the myriad afflictions of life on Planet Earth. I don’t get a pass just because I buried a child. I have to trudge through the muck and mire of the everyday just like anyone else.
And while my heart is much better at sorting the truly important from the barely mentionable, there are still many, many days when I feel sad and discouraged and it has nothing to do with Dominic’s not being here.
This week I’ve battled increased and uncontrollable pain due to my RA. I don’t know any other way to describe it except to say that if it keeps me from going outside and doing things, it’s at least an 8/10 on that stupid scale they use at the doctor’s office.
Some routine blood work showed a couple areas we need to watch. Yippee! More doctors’ appointments and more needle sticks.
I’m resigned to the fact that I cannot change any of this. I’m not morose or without hope, but I will admit my heart is faltering just a bit.
I preach truth to myself. I know that in the end all will be made new and right and I won’t even care about the measly 70 or 80 years I spent down here.
But sometimes I’m just plain tired.
I’m tired of fighting against the barrage of everyday joy suckers.
I confess. I’m discouraged. ❤
This was what I wrote after last February’s retreat.
For an introvert who prefers writing to chatting it was a real stretch.
But it was so worth it!!!
If you are close enough to join us in November, please pray diligently about whether God would have you go. I promise that you will not regret it-even if it’s a stretch for you too.
“I spent last weekend with eleven other bereaved mamas in a small Christian camp in Mississippi*
I’ll be honest-what sounded like a great idea a few months ago had begun to sound like an awful and intimidating idea about three days before I was supposed to go.
Even though I felt more prepared for this event than the Through This Valley Conference in October, I was still filled with trepidation at facilitating five sessions over three days with women I had only “met” online.”
Read the rest here: Heartache, Healing and Hope
Last February I did something I wasn’t sure I was ready for-I spent a weekend with a dozen other bereaved moms at a small Christian retreat.
It was close quarters (a challenge for this introvert!) and we were together 24 hours a day for nearly three days. (You can read about it here)
It was beautiful!
We began by sharing the story of our child-no pressure to make it short, no pressure not to cry, no pressure to tie the ragged ends up in tidy bows for the comfort of those listening.
And then we prayed.
By the time we went to bed that night hearts were already being knit together in love. Many of us have stayed in touch since then and some live close enough to get together often. All of us left stronger than when we got there.
What a gift!
We are doing it again November 2-4 at Abby Acres Christian Camp .
Space is limited (18 as long as 6 don’t mind top bunks 🙂 )and the cost is minimal (75.00 including meals!), so make sure to call Hope Lee at the numbers listed below if you’re interested. [662-256-5652 OR 662-574-8445] The nearest large airport is Memphis, TN which puts you about a two hour drive from the camp.
Our theme for the weekend is “Anchoring Our Hearts in Christ”.
DEADLINE TO REGISTER IS OCTOBER 15TH so call Hope soon! ❤
I’ll once again be facilitating interactive sessions centered around Scripture, filled with personal examples and overflowing with encouragement for battered and bruised hearts.
Please join us!
I promise you won’t regret it. ❤
I don’t wish storms on anyone.
They are frightening, often life-shattering and terrible.
But nearly every heart will be battered by the waves of life eventually.
And if a heart isn’t anchored firmly in the promises and Person of Jesus Christ, there’s no telling where the waves might toss them.
Even anchored, I’m battered and bruised, worn and weary, struggling to endure.
The book of Hebrews can be challenging. It’s full of imagery intended to help early Jewish Christians understand that they no longer needed to cling to the old sacrificial system in addition to believing in Messiah.
But it’s also beautiful-because it weaves a tapestry that helps a heart see how God was working His plan of salvation all the way from Adam through Christ to us.
I love these verses:
16-20 Among men it is customary to swear by something greater than themselves. And if a statement is confirmed by an oath, that is the end of all quibbling. So in this matter, God, wishing to show beyond doubt that his plan was unchangeable, confirmed it with an oath. So that by two utterly immutable things, the word of God and the oath of God, who cannot lie, we who are refugees from this dying world might have a source of strength, and might grasp the hope that he holds out to us. This hope we hold as the utterly reliable anchor for our souls, fixed in the very certainty of God himself in Heaven, where Jesus has already entered on our behalf, having become, as we have seen, “High Priest for ever after the order of Melchizedek”.
Hebrews 6:18-20 PHILLIPS
The hope I have in Christ is an “utterly reliable anchor” for my soul!
Let the waves come!
Let the winds blow!
I am assured that nothing and no one can rip me from the ultimate safety of my Savior’s arms!
I do not believe that in offering genuine forgiveness I am required to again submit myself to another person’s hurtful or sinful behavior.
I do believe that forgiveness releases that person from past offenses against me but it does not release them to continue to wound my heart.
And I will stand up any time, anywhere and defend my. right to create healthy boundaries between my heart and someone who has proven, time and again, that they intend to do just that.
What does this look like in real life?
It means that I can call, write or tell someone that I truly forgive them for whatever pain they have caused me in the past. That frees MY heart.
But if that person refuses to change his or her behavior, I am not obligated to allow them close enough to hurt me again.
It is NOT proof of an unforgiving heart to set up healthy boundaries.
It is wisdom.
So I don’t have to invite them to every event. I don’t have to allow them to corner me at gatherings where we both may attend. I don’t have to tell them all the news in my life or include them in my circle of closest comrades.
I can be polite. I will refuse to spread malicious gossip about them and not continue to talk about the old wounds for which I’ve forgiven them.
When my heart tries to resurrect the forgiven offenses, I will remind it that those are no longer relevant. I will not let bitterness overtake me.
There’s a compelling and beautiful anecdote about Corrie Ten Boom and forgiveness:
After WW II, Corrie traveled Europe speaking on the grace of God found even in Ravensbruck, the concentration camp where she was imprisoned and in which her sister died.
After one such talk, a German man came up to her and mentioned that he had been a guard at that camp. Corrie recognized him though he, of course, did not recognize her.
He thanked her for what she shared and put out his hand to shake hers. At that moment, she knew what she SHOULD do, but she did not want to do it. She did not want to touch this man’s hand and offer forgiveness for what many felt was utterly unforgivable.
But God convicted her heart and in obedience she extended her hand. She speaks of how she felt the Lord’s love and forgiveness wash over her and flow through her when she acted in obedience.
She never saw him again.
But for many of us, we continue to see and rub shoulders with the ones who have wounded us.
And if Corrie had again been forced into a concentration camp, she would not have been wrong to go kicking and screaming.
Forgiving that German guard did not excuse what he had done nor did it mean that if he was intent on repeating it that she (or anyone else) had to simply go along.
You do not have to allow another person to use you as a punching bag. You do not have to subject your heart to verbal or emotional abuse. You do not have to prove the sincerity of your forgiveness by enabling continued bad behavior.
That’s neither wise nor helpful.
Boundaries are OK.
They are necessary.
And they do not mean you haven’t forgiven someone.
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