Sometimes, no matter how hard I try to “keep my chin up” or “remind myself of redemption”, my soul gets weary.
I’ve recently come off of several months of activity along with emotionally charged interactions and I. am. worn. out.
There’s not really a good or easy way to describe this kind of bone-deep tiredness to someone who has not walked the path we’ve walked so I usually settle for, “I’m tired”. That’s when they typically suggest I get more rest or take a nap.
But I know that won’t really help.
❤ Melanie
When I say to someone, “I’m so very tired!” they nearly always suggest a nap. Trust me, if a nap would erase this soul weariness, I’d take one every single day.
But it doesn’t, so I don’t.
Instead I go outside and breathe some fresh air, make a cup of hot tea and sit down with a good book, or just sit down and watch the Christmas lights or a candle with my cat in my lap.
From the outside-very soon after all the formal visiting, meal bringing and memorial service or funeral-most bereaved parents look “fine”.
We have to.
The world doesn’t stop turning because our world imploded.
Work, life, family duties, household chores, and all the ordinary things determined by hours and calendars keep rolling along.
But on the inside, every bit of who we are, how we feel, what we think has been devastatingly poked, prodded, ripped apart and rearranged.
And just like there is no substitute for TIMEin physical healing, there is no substitute forTIMEin emotional, mental or spiritual healing either.
So if you are fresh on this path, new to the rigors of trying to “do life” while mourning your precious child, recognize that there is oh, so much damage where people can’t see.
If you know someone whose heart carries great grief-and child loss is not the only hard journey hearts are making–offer to listen.
Give up a few minutes to hear how they are really doing, what is really hard, what they really need to say but may be afraid to speak aloud. Leave spaces in conversation so a heart can work up the courage to share.Don’t be quick to offer platitudes that shut down deep discussion.
It often takes many, many repetitions of traumatic events for a heart to begin to heal.
Last month was a wonderful opportunity for ministry firsts!
I hosted the first retreat for bereaved moms and it was a great blessing.
Five women shared their stories, their children and studied the Word of God for several gloriously unhurried days.
We had four structured sessions along with craft time, meals, long chats on the front porch and around a campfire, as well as casual conversation in between. We even caught a rare appearance of the Northern Lights in the Panhandle of Florida!
We ended the last evening with a candlelit time of remembrance.
Each mom (by her own report) came away encouraged, refreshed and better equipped to do the work grief requires. Laughter and tears in abundance!
Thanks to generous donations it was provided at no cost to those in attendance.
Four more retreats will be offered next year so look for dates to be released soon on the website if you’d like to attend.
A few days after returning home, my husband and I hosted the first in-person support group meeting here in Bibb County, Alabama.
There was a light supper and got to know one another a little over our meal. We talked about our children and some tips for surviving the holidays with a broken heart.
Ten parents attended and several came from quite a distance to be there. All expressed gratitude for a safe space where grief was welcome and hope was shared.
There are no other nearby groups for parent in our area so I look forward to hosting these on the third Thursday of most months.
You’ll be able to find the dates under the “Events” section of the website as well as on Facebook.
In January I will share some thoughts on how our perception of time changes after loss and how turning a calendar page can be difficult.
I continue to be humbled by the many individuals-both bereaved parents and those who love them-who message, give and contribute in some way to the this ministry.
I’m still a little overwhelmed with the administration of details but am learning better how to do those things proficiently and in less time.
Who knew you CAN teach an old dog (or at least an older woman!) new tricks?
I figured out how to edit the website and add events with details and the opportunity to RSVP
I am publishing some previously published blog posts directly to Heartache and Hope and sharing them on Facebook which helps raise the profile of the ministry.
I added a direct link in that blog section to thelifeididntchoose.com so folks can find the more than 3,000 posts archived there.
I created a section of downloadable resources that can be accessed and printed from anywhere. Please feel free to download and share these with other bereaved parents or those who love them or minister to them.
I ordered business cards for Heartache and Hope with a QR code for donations on the back. I’ll be handing these to folks at conferences, speaking engagements and when I’m out and about.
Some days I spend all day tracking down tips, asking more tech savvy friends or family for help or simply googling how to undo a giant mess I made trying to make something better.
But I’m truly excited to have the time and energy to invest in reaching out in a new way to bereaved parents.
So what can you do to help the ministry continue to grow?
PRAY! For wisdom, strength, endurance and obedience to follow the Lord where He leads me. Also pray for every heart seeking solace, that the Lord will bring them to this ministry or one of the many others pointing to the hope found in Jesus Christ.
CLICK, CLICK, CLICK! On the website (you don’t even have to read anything) so Google Analytics notices and begins to return it in searches made by bereaved parents.
SHARE, SHARE, SHARE! The website, this blog site, the public Facebook page to help get the word out.
Child loss has been my greatest challenge, my deepest pain and my most profound misery.
But is has also been the very place God has met me with the greatest comfort, the deepest compassion and the most profound revelation of Who He is.
In spite of everything I’ve endured, my hope remains unshaken and unshakeable.
The comfort I have received is now mine to give to others.
I am oh, so grateful for your partnership, prayers and encouragement that is making it possible.
May the Lord richly bless you as you have blessed me.
***If you would like me to share with your online or in-person group in 2025, feel free to message me on Facebook Messenger or drop me an email at Godsgrdnr@gmail.com. I’m working on my calendar now and will accept as many invitations as time, energy and resources allow. ***
It’s a nearly universal human tendency to try to fit another’s experience into our own.
Even though I try hard not to, I still often find myself saying things like, “I know just how you feel” or, “This worked for me, it ought to work for you”.
Trouble is, grief is as individual as a fingerprint.
Gratitude is important. It is (in my opinion) a necessary ingredient for a healthy and hope-filled and useful life. It is the key to any real happiness a heart might find on this broken road.
But it cannot fill up the empty place where Dominic used to be.
Grief does not preclude gratitude.
Although some broken hearts swear it does. They have convinced themselves that if they cannot have the one thing they really want, then nothing else matters.
I try to limit the time I spend perusing old photos and old social media posts of my missing son.
I’ve learned that while they remind me of sweet memories and happy times they also prick my heart in ways nothing else can.
I was looking for something specific the other day and had to scroll through Dominic’s Facebook page to find it. As I did, I began reading some of the back and forth comments under the posts and pictures.
This time it wasn’t what was said or where the photos were taken that hurt my heart.
Instead it was the tiny little time stamp underneath the words that took my breath away.
thelifeididntchoose 