I’m not privy to everything God is doing in the world. And, frankly, what I see sometimes looks like He’s not doing much. I want Him to step in and make things right according to my limited knowledge.
But He’s working behind the scenes in ways I can’t imagine or comprehend.
He has a purpose and plan that will not be thwarted.
I do not for one moment believe that God Took My Child. But I absolutely, positively believe that He is using what the enemy meant for evil to accomplish good.
When the deputy rang my doorbell and my heart was shattered, I didn’t receive mysterious whispered comfort nor was I cloaked in a miraculous sense of peace.
I was, instead, immediately filled to overflowing with words of life, hope, and love bubbling from the spring I’d been tending to in my soul for decades.
Nothing new but everything eternally true.
The faithful, unchangeable and never-failing character of my Shepherd King is how I carry on.
❤ Melanie
I am not a fan of church signs.
Most of the time they try to be cute and reduce eternal truth to a few words that often leave room for [mis]interpretaion.
But I saw one today that I DID like: “Dig the well before you are thirsty”.
It takes time to dig a well.
And it’s hard work.
You can’t wake up one morning, decide to dig and expect results in a couple of hours. If you want a reliable source of water to quench your thirst you have to plan ahead.
For those of us who carried a tiny life inside as it grew larger and larger and thought we might just burst open before he or she made an exit from the womb into the wide world, we know exactly how hard waiting can be.
We also know how fast waiting goes from “I’m not sure just when” to “it’s happening RIGHT NOW”.
Some of the most painful waiting is the hours of intense labor.
Before the blessed culmination, it hurts! A lot!
And then the beautiful fruit of all that pain, struggle and patience is in our arms.
Paul says that the whole creation (every single thing on the planet) is waiting in much the same way. Waiting, waiting, waiting for God’s perfect plan to reach fullness and be revealed in all its excellent glory.
It is plain to anyone with eyes to see that at the present time all created life groans in a sort of universal travail. And it is plain, too, that we who have a foretaste of the Spirit are in a state of painful tension, while we wait for that redemption of our bodies which will mean that at last we have realised our full sonship in him. We were saved by this hope, but in our moments of impatience let us remember that hope always means waiting for something that we haven’t yet got. But if we hope for something we cannot see, then we must settle down to wait for it in patience.
Romans 8: 22-25 PHILLIPS
Just as a pregnant mama feels first the tiny flutter and then full-forced kicks of the baby in her womb, our spirits feel the promise of life as it should be. The closer we walk with Jesus, the more we fill our hearts and minds with His living word, the more our lives diverge from the world we see and long for the one we haven’t yet laid eyes on.
Yearning is the word.
It can make my heart impatient.
Sending one of the precious lives I’ve carried inside me on to Heaven makes me even more impatient for the perfect promise to be made perfect reality.
Paul is right-knowing and tasting is both a blessing and a challenge.
I know, know, know that this life is not all there is. I am utterly and irrevocably convinced that one day the broken world I live in will be recreated into the perfect world God intends it to be. So I hold onto hope with both hands like the lifeline it is.
Sometimes I get tired of holding on.
Sometimes I want to let go and just say, “What difference does it make?”
But I don’t.
Because at the moment of my weakness, the Spirit speaks courage to my spirit. Jesus whispers, “You can do it” to my heart. The Father sings sweet consolation over my soul.
So I tighten my grip and wait. ❤
QUESTIONS
What evidence do you see that “all creation” groans? (If you back up a couple verses, Paul goes into a little more detail.) Does it encourage your heart that the whole world is somehow waiting too?
If you’ve carried a child, think back to how quickly (assuming you weren’t scheduled for delivery) things went from “I’m not sure when” to “We need to go now!”. Does that help your heart imagine how very quickly all this waiting might end?
What part of waiting is hardest for you? (Any kind of waiting.)
How do you help your heart hold onto hope as you wait?
People say don’t pray for patience because the only true path to patience is trial. Are you more patient now than you used to be? Why or why not?
PRAYER
Lord,
Waiting is hard. No way around it. And waiting in painful anticipation of blessed relief is even harder. So, so many things are not right in this world. Death is everywhere. How I long for the Day when death is a totally defeated foe! How I long for the Day when all things are made right!
Thank You for the witness of the Spirit who continues to speak courage to my own spirit. Thank You for your word which breathes life into my soul. Thank You that no matter how hard it is to hold onto hope, You will give me the strength not to let go.
You have not abandoned me or the world You created. Your plans are sure. I will wait with hope because I know You never fail.
I hear real people living real lives facing real problems.
Life and death and celebration and devastation-all laid bare for the ages.
They give me courage to speak plainly to God.
They help me frame my own struggles in the context of who God is and not only what I feel.
I love You, Eternal One, source of my power. 2 The Eternal is my rock, my fortress, and my salvation; He is my True God, the stronghold in which I hide, my strong shield, the horn that calls forth help, and my tall-walled tower. 3 I call out to the Eternal, who is worthy to be praised— that’s how I will be rescued from my enemies. 4 The bonds of death encircled me; the currents of destruction tugged at me; 5 The sorrows of the grave wrap around me; the traps of death lay in wait for me.
Psalm 18:1-5 VOICE
David had escaped Saul’s attempt on his life. He could have given credit to his superior battle skills or ability to hide or just plain luck.
But he didn’t. He understood that God alone determined the outcome.
David knew that God was his true stronghold-not the cave or the tower where he might hide.
He is reminding his heart of truth-something I had to do the day Dominic left us.
I have never felt so desolate as the early morning when I was told my son was dead. My physical life wasn’t threatened but the life I knew was shattered.
The “bonds of death” circled my heart and I could feel them squeezing tighter and tighter.
Sorrow swallowed me whole.
There was nowhere to hide from the awful truth that death was on my doorstep.
In the hours between the knock on the door and sunrise I kept assuring myself that God was still God. I kept repeating that He had not abandoned us.
And then (because I didn’t know what else to do as I waited for family to gather) I went out to feed the animals.
Walking toward the rising sun I choked out the words to a favorite song:
The sun comes up It’s a new day dawning It’s time to sing Your song again Whatever may pass And whatever lies before me Let me be singing When the evening comes
Bless the Lord oh my soul Oh my soul Worship His Holy name Sing like never before Oh my soul I’ll worship Your Holy name
Bless The Lord, Oh My Soul by Matt Redman
There was no moment of divine revelation.
I didn’t feel the burden lift.
But I knew if I didn’t remind my heart of truth, I’d be headed toward a darker path than the one I was already walking.
“I call out to the Eternal who is worthy to be praised-that’s how I will be rescued from my enemies.”
QUESTIONS:
Why do you think it’s important that even when we experience victory, we acknowledge God as the One who gives it to us?
Are you ever tempted not to?
Obviously I’m sensitive to the fact that as bereaved parents our child was not physically saved. Does that make it hard for your heart to think of God as a fortress, shelter, safe place? Why or why not?
Even though I have not faced my own death, I find David’s description apt for the dark feelings that threatened to undo me after Dominic ran ahead to Heaven. Do his words resonate with you?
David was a man on the run for years. He spent a lot of time in the rocky wilderness and describes God in ways that reflect his personal experience. If you were going to describe God as a place of safety, what words would you use that reflect yours?
PRAYER:
Lord,
You are most certainly worthy of praise simply because You are God. Sometimes I struggle to praise you because You do not always give victory in the here and now and that’s hard to take. You don’t always step in and assure physical safety and that hurts my heart.
But you always invite me to bring that pain to You. You are a stronghold for my heart.
When the enemy of my soul whispers lies in my ear and tries to convince me You don’t care, help my heart refuse to be led astray. When despair tries to drag me down, speak courage to my soul and lift me up.
You have made every provision for our ultimate victory. Death doesn’t get the last word. Life does! Thank You for that promise.
No matter how much we love someone, we will eventually fail them somehow.
I know I recite my failure as a mother quite often-usually when I’m tired, weak, stressed and especially burdened with this grief I haul around like a bag of bricks every day.
So it’s hard for me to comprehend the unfailing, faithful, never-ending, compassionate love of God.
But it’s true whether I can wrap my mind around it or not: God’s love never fails.
That’s the message Jeremiah was tasked to deliver to Israel in the midst of some very awful circumstances.
They had really messed up. And they were going to reap the consequences of their sin.
It was going to hurt.
But God had not abandoned them. He had not forgotten them. He had not stopped loving them.
31 For no one is cast off by the Lord forever. 32 Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. 33 For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone.
Lamentations 3:31-33 NIV
The God I serve and Israel served is a compassionate God.
He is so very compassionate (which means to suffer alongside) that He chose to send His Son to take our sins, to receive our punishment, to pay the penalty and redeem us for Himself.
Grief is part of this life.
Before Jesus lived on earth, suffered, died and was resurrected, grief was part of the ongoing penalty of sin.
So Israel was punished when she turned from her true Husband and ran after idols and foreign gods.
Now, the penalty has been paid. Yet grief remains.
Our enemy the devil works evil in the world. People’s sinful choices result in death and destruction. The whole earth groans under the general burden of sin which means genes mutate, disease runs rampant and our bodies fail.
God does not always intervene.
But He always comes alongside.
He always offers comfort and promises that grief doesn’t last forever.
He takes those evil things, the broken things, the painful things and the hard things and weaves them into a beautiful tapestry that will eventually reveal His faithfulness, goodness, love and glory.
QUESTIONS:
I’ve written before about whether or not grief and loss is a punishment from God. Yet these verses plainly state, “though He brings grief”. How do you explain them to your own heart? Have you thought through and developed a consistent theology that both acknowledges the truth that in the OT God DID bring grief (punishment) on His people for their sins and that in the NT God, through Christ, has taken all the punishment for every sin? (For more on this, read this post: https://thelifeididntchoose.com/2019/01/15/is-god-punishing-me/)
Have you ever felt God was suffering alongside you? Do you think God suffers at all?
Jesus called Himself the Good Shepherd. Most of His followers would have firsthand knowledge of the sacrifices a good shepherd makes for his sheep. That’s not something many of us know much about these days. Can you paint your own word picture of unfailing love?
Have you confronted the question of why evil exists, why pain is persistent, why death and destruction still reign? Are you afraid to go there? Why or why not?
I used to embroider quite a bit and really love the Corrie Ten Boom poem cited above because I understand it well. The top side of my work was lovely (most of the time!) but the underside was awful! Do you have confidence that God is weaving ALL the things in your life into a tapestry that will eventually reveal how even the dark and ugly experiences, feelings and heartache work together to make a beautiful piece of art? (See Ephesians 2:10)
PRAYER:
Father God, Thank you that I live this side of Calvary!
Thank You that although this life is filled with sorrow and pain I can rest assured that if I’ve received Your gift of forgiveness through Christ You are not punishing me for some forgotten sin. Thank You for your unfailing, faithful, compassionate love.
Help me to remember in the darkest moments, the most desolate path, the deepest pit You are there. Over and over and over You remind my heart that I am not alone. When I can’t comprehend how You might weave the next dark thread into the tapestry of my life, help me trust You anyway.
You are the Master Weaver. You are the Potter. Give me a willing heart to yield to Your work in my life.
When I was a little girl my family made a yearly pilgrimage to the white sand and clear water beaches in Florida.
We were allowed to wade out on our own as high as our waist while the adults talked and sunbathed on shore. If we wanted to go deeper, even for those of us who were good swimmers, we had to wait for the grown ups to join us.
I have a vivid memory of one sunny day when the waves were rolling in and my six-foot-tall dad was standing neck deep in the Gulf. I was a little closer to shore and decided to join him.
My young mind didn’t do the math between my short self and his taller one and stepped off an underwater ledge into water way over my head. I panicked when I realized there was no way for me to save myself.
In a flash, Papa’s strong arms scooped me up and held me close.
As quickly as fear set in, it vanished because I knew he wouldn’t let me go until I could safely set my own feet down in shallower water.
My daddy wasn’t about to let anything happen to me.
I think about that summer moment nearly every time I read today’s verses.
8 But thou, Israel, art my servant, Jacob whom I have chosen, the seed of Abraham my friend.
9 Thou whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, and called thee from the chief men thereof, and said unto thee, Thou art my servant; I have chosen thee, and not cast thee away.
10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.Isaiah 41: 8-10 KJV
God assures Israel (the nation) that He chose them. He cherishes them. He has called them and He will never forget nor forsake them.
It’s a beautiful thing to know that just like Israel, those of us who have been grafted in by the blood of Christ are also heirs together of these promises. (Ephesians 3:6; Romans 11:17)
If you have received the gift of eternal life through Jesus, you can be absolutely assured that God is your Father . He chose you in Christ before the foundation of the world (Ephesians 1:4). He will always take care of you.
Fear is a reasonable response to a situation outside our control.
It wasn’t silly for me to be afraid when my head went underwater and I despaired of saving myself.
When God tells me in His Word to “fear not!” it isn’t a rebuke. It’s encouragement.
God is my Father, He loves me so He says, “Don’t be afraid, don’t be dismayed”.
Why? Because He is with me.
As soon as my dad’s arms reached around me, fear fled. I was safe.
And if my earthly father’s strength and love was enough to allay my fears, how much more should my fears flee in the face of the strength, love and power of my Heavenly Father?
There are so many times I am afraid in this life.
So many times when things are out of control and beyond my comprehension. So many ways life goes wrong and I feel like they will never be made right.
But when I stop and point my heart in the direction of these promises, I can hold onto hope in spite of my fear.
Because my daddy has his arms around me.
QUESTIONS:
When you are afraid, to whom to you look for comfort?
Have you ever feared God didn’t see you, didn’t hear you and wouldn’t come to your aid? How might these verses help your heart combat that fear?
When have you felt the loving arms of Father God around you?
PRAYER:
Father God,
Sometimes I am afraid. I’m afraid not only of my circumstances but that You don’t see me, hear me and (worst of all!) might not even care what happens to me if You did.
When my feelings overwhelm my heart, help me remember truth. Help me trust that You are faithful. Give me the assurance that Your heart toward me is always love and your plans and purposes are always good.
This time six years ago, I was on the front end of a very lonely, very frightening three and a half weeks.
Each morning began with a sixty minute drive in Los Angeles rush hour traffic toward the downtown courthouse. My husband and I parked and then walked through metal detectors and past guards down a long, long hall to the courtroom.
Every day was one more eight hour shift listening to lawyers, witnesses and a judge as the events of several years were laid out first by one side and then the other. Questions aimed to elicit unflattering responses hit my husband hard.
The opposing counsel even printed out a couple of my blog posts trying to frame both my husband and his family as intolerant fundamentalist evangelicals who certainly didn’t understand how things were done in the progressive West.
Our fate was in the hands of total strangers and the whole time I couldn’t utter a single word.
I was not allowed to nod my head, smile or frown or even cry when I watched my husband recount our son’s death and the toll it took on him as he returned to the workplace and tried to do routine tasks while being challenged repeatedly by a surly , vindictive and manipulative employee.
Trust me, no television courtroom drama can prepare a heart for the kind of stress, uncertainty, mental anguish and overwhelming fear that a real encounter with the justice system evokes.
Sitting alone (my husband was sitting with his attorneys) I could only spend time writing out scripture, taking notes and trying to guess how all this was impacting the twelve jurors sitting mere feet away. Only nine were required by California law to agree in order to reach a verdict which just added to the uncertainty.
I felt oh, so weary, scared and forgotten.
One of the scripture passages I wrote over and over was today’s verses.
27 Why, then, do you, Jacob, inheritors of God’s promise,
you, Israel, chosen of God—
Why do you say, “My troubled path is hidden from the Eternal;
God has lost all interest in My cause”?
28 Don’t you know? Haven’t you heard?
The Eternal, the Everlasting God,
The Creator of the whole world, never gets tired or weary.
His wisdom is beyond understanding.
29 God strengthens the weary
and gives vitality to those worn down by age and care.
30 Young people will get tired;
strapping young men will stumble and fall.
31 But those who trust in the Eternal One will regain their strength.
They will soar on wings as eagles.
They will run—never winded, never weary.
They will walk—never tired, never faint.Isaiah 40: 27-31 VOICE
The nation of Israel was feeling lonely and all alone.
Had God forgotten? Had He abandoned them? Didn’t He care they were at their wit’s end and the limit of endurance?
So Jehovah sends Israel an encouraging Word through Isaiah.
He begins with questions: “Why are you questioning Jehovah’s interest in your cause? Do you think after all we’ve been through He’s forgotten you now? Can anything be hidden from His sight?”
As I sat day after day after day, I had to remind my heart that no matter how it FELT, God was very near. We were not abandoned. Whatever went on in that room with no windows was not hidden from our Shepherd King.
The very next set of questions Isaiah poses is one of my all time favorite verses: “Hey Israel! Do you really not know that God is eternal, everlasting, all-knowing and all-powerful? Haven’t you heard He made the earth and everything in it? Do you imagine He ever gets tired, worn out, too stretched to intervene in the affairs of men? “
This trial wasn’t the first time in my life I needed to be reminded that nothing is hidden from the Lord’s sight. It wasn’t the first time I needed reassurance that God is never too tired or too distracted or somehow limited by my understanding of who He is to reach down and give me a boost.
In the ten years since Dominic ran ahead to Heaven I’ve had days, weeks and even months when, in my despair and grief, I forgot the truth.
The whole passage comes to a dramatic conclusion that leaves Israel (and me!) with no room for doubt.
“Hey-God breathed into Adam and made a living man from dust. Sure, you may be tired and worn out from circumstances or age, but He can breathe life and vigor back into you too. Young folks seem nearly invincible but even they have limits. You just wait (expectantly, in faith, certain that He will show up and keep His promises) on Him. The kind of energy Jehovah will give you won’t run out. You’ll be like an eagle soaring effortlessly on wind currents higher and higher and higher.”
I’m here to tell you that God keeps His promises. His Word is sure.
I look back on those three weeks and stand amazed that I didn’t fall over from exhaustion and stress about five or six days in because except for surviving my son’s death, it was the hardest thing I ever did.
It was absolutely, positively God’s strength and not my own.
QUESTIONS:
I know most of my readers are bereaved parents and probably share my testimony of days, weeks, months of utter exhaustion under the load of grief that child loss dumps on a heart. Can you identify a specific moment when you felt God’s strength poured into your spirit? Can you think of an event, holiday or date you just knew you couldn’t face but somehow managed to survive?
How can meditating on these verses help your heart hold onto hope?
What new insight does including verses 27-28 to this familiar passage give you?
Consider looking these verses up in at least three different translations/paraphrases and compare them. Does that help you understand them better? Why or why not?
PRAYER:
Father God, I want to always remember that You are so much more than I can ever imagine or comprehend. Too often I try to circumscribe You by my limited understanding of how you work in the world. But You are too big for any box I try to stuff You into.
When I forget, remind me. When I doubt, strengthen my faith. When I feel alone, make Your Presence undeniably real to me. When I am weary, breathe new life into my spirit.
Thank You for patiently, graciously, mercifully dealing with me. Thank You for your everlasting, faithful love. You are a good, good Father.
Amen
*If you want more details about what happened that year, you can find it here:
Today, before I sat down to write this post, I was out running errands and made a decision due to traffic to go through a parking lot I’ve avoided because of strong memories associated with Dominic.
I was suddenly overwhelmed by grief even after ten years on this journey.
The tightness in my chest, tears in my eyes, empty sickness in the pit of my stomach washed over me anew.
Time, by itself, absolutely does not heal a thing in child loss. It only enables me to develop skills for sublimating the horror enough to walk around among the spared.
But one thing IS better now than way back then: I’m quicker to lean into the strength and grace available to me through Christ Jesus. I’m not as resistant to the idea that my weakness is no impediment to God’s work in and through me.
I’ve stopped asking for relief and now ask for grace to bear up under the pain.
Today’s verses are taken from Paul’s pleading with God to take away what many believe to be a physical ailment-perhaps pain or weakness in his eyes-and God’s refusal to grant miraculous healing.
Three times I begged the Lord for it to leave me, but his reply has been, “My grace is enough for you: for where there is weakness, my power is shown the more completely.” Therefore, I have cheerfully made up my mind to be proud of my weaknesses, because they mean a deeper experience of the power of Christ. I can even enjoy weaknesses, suffering, privations, persecutions and difficulties for Christ’s sake. For my very weakness makes me strong in him.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
I can imagine Paul’s conversations with the Lord.
“You know I’m really on fire for You, Lord. Don’t you think I’d be in a better position to minister if You would take this pain away? It’s distracting and, well, painful! If You will heal me, I can focus on the work You’ve sent me to do. “
~ Paul
I know it’s dangerous to put words in God’s mouth but I imagine (based on Paul’s own account) that God answered something like this: “Paul, you don’t understand that part of the ministry I have for you is a demonstration that My strength is what sustains you. I don’t want there to be any doubt about where the power comes from. I’m not going to heal you but I will give you enough grace to bear up under this pain.”
I don’t think Paul really thought that was great idea-at least not at first. But as he continued to walk with the Lord and experience that sufficient grace, he saw God was absolutely right (no kidding!).
I can attest to this in my own life.
Before Dominic ran ahead to Heaven I was afflicted with a number of health problems that forced me to admit I was not capable of meeting every obligation to and certainly not every expectation of those around me.
I didn’t like it one single bit.
As a self-proclaimed overachiever it hurt my pride to ask for help. But God’s grace eventually worked it’s way into my heart and I learned that physical weakness was truly an opportunity to proclaim God’s provision and sufficiency.
When Dom left us, I was struck down in a whole new way.
But the grace I had learned to rely on for the strength needed to endure physical pain proved more than sufficient for even this awful heartache.
It is still enough.
God’s strength IS perfected in my weakness.
Not that my weakness makes God perfect. Instead it is my weakness that makes God’s strength undeniably and unmistakably obvious.
When I choose to reveal my brokenness, unveil my weakness and testify to God’s sustaining and enabling grace, I proclaim His sovereignty, His sufficiency and His love.
QUESTIONS:
When have you had to admit weakness?
How has God’s grace met you there?
Do you sometimes try to hide your brokenness? Why or why not?
Why do you think God is glorified when we allow others to see our weakness?
Can you list specific instances when you felt too weak to continue and God’s grace enabled you to journey on?
PRAYER:
Lord, my pride makes me loathe to admit my weaknesses and to reveal my brokenness. I would rather people think I’m strong and unbreakable. But that’s just not true.
Help me embrace my own limitations and turn to You for your limitless grace and mercy. Help me quickly acknowledge that it is Your Spirit that breathes life into my heart and soul and strengthens me to carry on.
Strip me of false pride and bravado that might conceal how very much I rely on You. Make my life an open declaration of Your sufficient grace.
Amen.
You think, dear heart, that you are forgotten because of your nothingness and weakness and poverty. This is the very reason you are remembered.Spurgeon
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