Category: light

An Invitation: Blue Christmas Service

One of the reasons I founded Heartache and Hope, the ministry, was to be able to provide safe spaces-online and in person-for bereaved parents to gather because so often grief is excluded from our tables.

Most holiday celebrations don’t lend themselves to broken hearts expressing how very hard it is to bear up under the pressure to be hap-hap-happy while grieving the loss of a child.

To be honest, I doubt any degree of education or advocacy will change that on a larger scale.

But I want Heartache and Hope to make a difference in our own local community by hosting a “Blue Christmas” service at my home church in Bibb County, Alabama.

So, if you are able, join me Thursday, December 5th at 6:00 PM for an evening of gentle worship, remembrance and prayer-looking to Jesus, the Light of the World and the true meaning of Christmas.

The people who had been living in darkness have seen a great light. The light of life has shined on those who dwelt in the shadowy darkness of death.

~ Isaiah 9:1

My desire is that together we lean into the hope of the Promised One who came as a babe so long ago.

Don’t drag your heart through Advent feeling unseen, unheard and unloved.

Join me.

You can RSVP and get more information here:

https://www.heartacheandhope.org/event-details/blue-christmas

There’s This Beautiful Moment When The Light Gets Through

A few years ago, I had a grace-filled, heartwarming visit with another bereaved mama who came all the way from Maine just to hang out with me. And that was so, so good.

As she and I shared over coffee and tea, shopping and meals, lounging and walking we found so many ways in which our journeys have been similar even though the details are really very different.

One is this: There was a distinct moment along the way when each of us began to see light and color again in the midst of our darkness and pain and it was a turning point.

Read the rest here: There’s A Moment When The Light Makes It Through Again

I Depend on Flickers of Light to Guide My Heart Home

A fellow bereaved mom commented on my recent holiday post with this question: How do you make joy, when your heart has no joy?

It was a good and honest query. One that stopped me in my tracks.

Read the rest here: Flickers Of Light, Guiding My Heart Home

Scripture Journal Challenge 2024: When Peace is Only a Whisper

My heart is so broken over mass shootings.

Senseless violence spurred by hate.

I’m equally broken over the Middle East, the opioid epidemic and human trafficking.

It seems the world is spiraling downward into chaotic violence and unbridled hatred.

Peace feels like a distant hope, a faint whisper, a ridiculous aspiration of those who aren’t willing to see things as they are.

Our generation is not the first to feel this way.

The disciples were definitely not feeling peaceful as Jesus revealed that He was going away. They were afraid and confused. They could not imagine how the life they had come to know with the Rabbi they had come to love could continue without Him.

Jesus didn’t dismiss their fears. Instead He spoke words of comfort:

“I have told you these things while I am still with you. 26 But the [a]Helper (Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor—Counselor, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will help you remember everything that I have told you.27 Peace I leave with you; My [perfect] peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid. [Let My perfect peace calm you in every circumstance and give you courage and strength for every challenge.]

~ Jesus, to His disciples John 14: 25-27 AMP

There’s all kinds of good news in this passage!

Jesus promised that although He wouldn’t be with them, He wasn’t leaving them alone.

The Holy Spirit was coming to comfort, counsel, strengthen and help them.

I love this rendering of these verses precisely because it teases out the various roles of the third Person of the Godhead. (If you want to be encouraged, look up all these words used to describe Him.)

Jesus assured them (and us) that they didn’t have understand everything right now. The Spirit was going to be there to remind them.

And then He promises peace.

But not just any peace-the perfect peace of God that passes all understanding.

The peace that transcends circumstances because it is based on the settled assurance that God is in control, that every promise He made is sure and that I am neither forgotten nor forsaken.

Fear reigns in the hearts of many-even those who believe in Jesus.

And if I trust in the government, or the police, or myself to keep me safe, I have every reason to be fearful.

But when I rest completely in Jehovah-Shalom, the LORD Who is Himself my Peace, I can be assured that I am safe.

Not safe from all harm, but safe in His love and care.

QUESTIONS:

  • What do you think about the Holy Spirit? Have you ever considered the many ways He ministers to believers? Why or why not?
  • Just a little while after Jesus spoke the words we’re considering today, He said ,”Nevertheless, I am telling you the truth. It is for your benefit that I go away, because if I don’t go away the Counselor will not come to you. If I go, I will send Him to you. ” (John 16:7) Does this shock you? Why or why not?
  • Sometimes people complain that it’s hard to understand Scripture. I usually reply with two suggestions: (1) get an easy to understand translation (not paraphrase) and; (2) ask the Holy Spirit to guide your heart and mind into truth. How do you approach Scripture study? Will today’s exploration change your approach?
  • Write your own definition of peace. Do you think peace is possible in the world or only possible in Heaven?
  • When have you felt a supernatural peace calm your soul?
  • How can we share the peace of Christ with others?

PRAYER:

Lord, You are Three in One. Too often I think about and am grateful for the Father and Son but neglect the Holy Spirit. And yet He is the One Who helps me in my weakness, Who prays for me when groans are all I can muster and Who leads me into all truth.

Thank You for not leaving me alone. Thank You for sending the Comforter.

Help me listen better to what He has to say to me. Help me lean into the truth He leads me into. Let that truth guide my heart to Your peace.

Amen

Shining Light In Darkness, Sharing Hope With the Heartbroken:

When I first began sharing in this space I had absolutely NO IDEA that my words could reach so many hearts in so many places.

I was simply being as transparent as possible in the hopes that others who were walking this road would feel seen, heard and understood.

That was almost nine years ago!

To date, over four million people have visited the site and viewed at least one post.

I’ve gotten message after message from broken hearts who say essentially:

Thank you for telling the truth about child loss. Thank you for speaking honestly about your struggle with faith. Thank you for assuring me that light CAN shine again in darkness.

Sometime in January of this year, I felt the Lord was asking me to step out in faith and expand the ministry. I began prayerfully exploring what it might look like to form a non-profit corporation and seek 501(c)3 status so others could join me in blessing bereaved parents.

With fear and trembling, I filled out the paperwork and sent it into the ether, praying that every jot and tittle was correct.

If you would like to join with me in ministry to bereaved parents and their families, you can make a tax-deductible donation using this link: https://square.link/u/cNen14Q1


To my joy and great surprise, I received notification that Heartache and Hope was a really, truly recognized ministry. What I’d been doing for almost a decade was now official!

So what doors are opening in this new chapter?

I’ll be hosting monthly in-person bereaved parent gatherings at my sweet little home church in rural Bibb County, Alabama. It’s an underserved community on every level and when Dominic ran ahead to Heaven there wasn’t a single resource within thirty miles. Too often bereaved parents convince themselves they are alone in their pain. I want to change that for those in my area.

I’m hosting and facilitating some small, intimate retreats for bereaved mothers at our family’s homestead in the Florida Panhandle. The first one is in October and is filled. I’ll be announcing others soon when the website is up. I hope to do these four times a year.

I am already scheduled to share in some other in-person bereaved parent groups in January. If you’d like me to come share in yours, let me know and we can get it on the calendar. (The donations received make it possible for me to do this without asking for travel funds.)

A couple of podcasts have contacted me to set up on-air chats that should be available in the next few months.

I’m working on editing and publishing some of the blog material into booklets that are easy to read and helpful as handouts for the newly bereaved and the not-so-newly bereaved. I will be able to provide these at minimal cost or for a small donation.

I would love the opportunity to speak to pastor groups, healthcare providers, hospice workers, social workers and others who are likely to be the first folks who interact with parents after loss. Please contact me if you know of such a group or can facilitate a gathering.

I will continue to partner with other ministries like Our Hearts are Home by facilitating online book studies and speaking at yearly conferences.

I plan to keep writing.

I am, and will always be, devoted to sharing honestly about my journey and encouraging other hearts along the way.

*If you would like to donate, you may click on the following link:https://square.link/u/cNen14Q1

Lenten Reflections 2024: Making Space for REAL Light

Today’s fast is artificial light.

Without reading ahead I kind of stepped on today’s reflection. Chole describes John’s prison questions this way: “the distance between what John thought Jesus would do and what Jesus actually did was straining John’s certainty of who Jesus was.”

Oh, my! How well I can identify with this feeling!

I’ve told anyone who will listen that when Dominic was killed I dragged a lifetime of what I thought I knew and understood about God into the light of child loss. It absolutely strained my certainty of who Jesus is.

And my questions made some folks uncomfortable just as John’s question makes some Bible teachers uncomfortable.

Read the rest here: Lenten Reflections: Making Space For REAL Light

A Decade of Christmases…Sigh.

So many people think grief grows smaller over time. 

But that’s not it at all. 

Grief remains precisely the same size, occupies exactly the same space in my heart. 

Instead, life grows around the grief so that the proportion of my attention and my emotions and my daily routine relative to grief changes. 

I’m thankful for that! 

I couldn’t have borne the initial heaviness for a decade. I couldn’t have (and didn’t want to!) feel that awful, piercing pain every minute of every day for ten years. 

So how is Christmas different NOW from THEN? 

How do I celebrate, how do I mark Dominic’s absence, how do I carry the weight of missing along with the joy of living?

I have some small rituals that help my heart hold onto hope. 

  • I light candles and I sit silent watching the flame. I build fires in my fireplace and allow darkness to fall while I celebrate the brightness that keeps it at bay. These remind me darkness cannot conquer the light. 
  • I place ornaments on my tree that hold space for Dominic and for my missing of him. Little drums shimmer in the glow of Christmas bulbs. Even if no one else notices, I do and it makes me smile. 
  • I decorate his resting place. I’ll be honest, I don’t feel close to him there. The grave isn’t where HE is. I actually feel closer to him in the home which was the hub of family activity for decades. BUT, my decoration reminds others who visit that here lies someone who is loved and missed. 
  • I celebrate my living family. I want each of them to know that love lives forever. Yes, I miss Dominic, but I cherish each moment I have with them. Sometimes it costs me greatly to put on the smile and bake the cookies, but I’m still making memories and I want them to be sweet.
  • I set aside time each day (hopefully!) to give my heart a break. My habit is to wake before the sun so I have time to myself. In the silent darkness (candles or fire burning) I allow my heart to explore the edges I can’t afford to attend to in the busyness of daylight. I cry or journal or listen to music. 
  • I have practical habits too. I write everything down. I don’t depend on my still deficient grief brain to remember details like what I’ve already wrapped. Calendars are my friend. 
  • I try to remember that grace is boundless. I cannot exhaust the riches of the love and grace of Jesus. If I do less-than-my-best, grace abounds. If family or friends disappoint me, grace fills the gaps. 

I have shared here since 2015-just eighteen months after Dom left us. My ongoing prayer is that sharing helps other hearts hold on to hope. 

It’s a lifetime of missing, a lifetime of adjusting to the reality that one (or more) of the children we birthed is not here to share the present.

But that doesn’t mean life isn’t full and full of love, life and laughter. 

My wish for you this season is not “Merry Christmas” but is, instead “Hopeful Christmas”. 

May you see the love, light and life of Jesus in every sparkling bulb and flickering candle. 

I love you. <3

Christmas 2023: One Way to Remember the Missing

I have always loved candles.  Something in the flickering light speaks to my heart.

It’s one of my favorite parts of early evenings-watching the candles I light on every flat surface cast a soft glow and chase the darkness.

Even a small light offers hope.  

Read the rest here: Remembering the Missing: Four Candles

Remember: Worldwide Candle Lighting Memorial Service TODAY [12.10.2023]

It’s natural for parents, grandparents, sisters and brothers to mark the light and life of one they miss.

It’s less natural for friends and extended family members to do so.

One of the greatest fears of every bereaved parent is that his or her child will cease to be remembered or that the light and life of a son or daughter will simply fade as time goes on.

Year-end holidays accentuate the place where our children should be but aren’t. Merry making and picture taking emphasize the gap between grieving hearts and those untouched by death of a close loved one.

If you want a simple way to bless someone you know who lost a child, grandchild or sibling, a single candle and a quick picture or post on social media will do it.

My heart is always encouraged and strengthened when others take time to remember Dominic.

Sunday, December 11, 2022 is the Worldwide Candle Lighting Memorial Service (WCL) sponsored by The Compassionate Friends (TCF).

Read the rest here: Worldwide Candle Lighting Memorial Service: Second Sunday in December

Worldwide Candle Lighting Service: December 10, 2023

I love candles-always have.

I especially love them as the days get shorter and we creep toward the longest night of the year.

I love them more since Dominic ran ahead to Heaven.

Every time I light a candle, I remind my heart that even the smallest light can chase the darkness.

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When hundreds, thousands and even millions of candles are lighted together, it does more than chases darkness, it undoes it.

Sunday, December 10, 2023 is the Worldwide Candle Lighting Memorial Service (WCL) sponsored by The Compassionate Friends (TCF).

Read the rest here: Worldwide Candle Lighting Memorial Service: Second Sunday in December