Melanie

My Child Matters. He Existed.

I hid this post in my draft folder for months before I published it the first time.

It seemed too raw, too full of all the pain inside my mama heart to put out in the wide world for everyone to see.

And then it was time (like now) to change the flowers on the place where my son’s body rests and I couldn’t stand it anymore.

I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, “THIS IS NOT ALL THERE IS OF MY BOY!” I wanted to stop people on the street and make them listen to his story, to give away a piece of him for others to carry in their hearts.

My son is not a number or a statistic or only a memory.

He is integral to my story, blood of my blood and flesh of my flesh–part of my life.

I rest assured he lives in heaven with Jesus but I miss him here with me. That’s selfish, I know. But I can’t seem to help it.

Read the rest here: You Existed, You Exist

So…Here Come the Holidays

I will confess: I’m no better at this than the first set of holidays after Dominic ran ahead to Heaven.

Every. Single. Year. has brought changes and challenges on top of the empty chairs round the family table.

Since Dominic left us we’ve had additions (two grandchildren and various significant others) and sadly, more subtractions (my mother joined Dom in 2019). We’ve dealt with distance, deployment, healthcare and retail work schedules, a pandemic and lots of other, less easily defined tensions and difficulties.

Read the rest here: So…Yeah, The Holidays.

In Every Season, We Remember Them

Since Dominic ran ahead I collect poems, sayings and quotes that help my heart put words to what it feels.

I consider each one a gift.

This is a beautiful, traditional Jewish blessing often shared with mourners.

Read the rest here: We Remember Them

I Can Only Live One Day at a Time

Truth is, no matter how much we may TRY to live life in weeks or months or years, we really are only able to live it one day at a time.

And as Jesus said over 2000 years ago: “Don’t worry at all then about tomorrow. Tomorrow can take care of itself! One day’s trouble is enough for one day.” (Matthew 6:34)

If I never knew it before, I know it now.

I am good for a single 24 hour period-one revolution of the earth.

That’s it.

Sure I put stuff on my calendar. I have to. But I never take it for granted. I never assume that what I think is going to happen next week really will happen next week.

I know better.

Read the rest here: One Day at a Time

Why Is It SO Darn Hard to Ask for Help?

I would much rather be the one bringing the casserole than the one receiving it.

Not because I’m ungrateful but because I’m uncomfortable.

It is humbling to have to depend on other people. It’s hard to admit I can’t manage on my own. It’s downright humiliating to need help with daily tasks that used to come easy.

But truth is, I cannot make it alone.

Read the rest here: Grace Like Rain: Why It’s So Darn Hard to Ask For Help

It’s Important to Model Grief for Our Children and Grandchildren

It’s tempting to try to hide our tears and fears from our living children and grandchildren.

Who wants to overload a young heart and mind with grown-up problems?

There is definitely a place and time to shelter little people-it’s never appropriate to offload onto small shoulders what we just don’t want to carry ourselves.

But it is neither helpful nor healthy to pretend that sorrow and sadness don’t follow loss.

Read the rest here: Why It’s So Important to Model Grief For Our Children & Grandchildren

There’s Just NO Substitute for Showing Up

I totally get it–we are ALL so busy.

Calendars crammed weeks and months in advance and no white space left over to pencil in lunch with a friend even though we desperately NEED it.

It seems impossible to make that call, write that note or stop by and visit a few minutes.

How can I meet my obligations if I use precious time doing the optional?

But when the unexpected, unimaginable and awful happens, suddenly that calendar and all those appointments don’t matter. Balls drop everywhere and I don’t care.

Because when your family or best friend needs you, you come-no questions asked.

Read the rest here: Being There: No Substitute For Showing Up

I Don’t Get Points For Pretending…

Oh, sometimes I think I’m clever enough to do it.

I edit my words, costume my body and fix my face so I can act the part. But truth is, I never manage to fool anyone who looks closer than my plastic smile.

I can’t hide my heart.

And I don’t know why I try-I don’t get points for pretending.

There’s no prize at the end of this long road for the one who makes it with fewest tears.

Read the rest here: Zero Points for Pretending: You Can’t Hide Your Heart

Obedience Can Be Costly

In dark and burdensome seasons of life, I am tempted to cling tightly to what I can hold in MY hand instead of clinging tightly in faith to the One Who holds me in HIS hand.

Sowing in tears is choosing to walk obediently even when obedience is costly and there is no visible evidence that it will produce a good result.

There may be a long wait-perhaps my entire lifetime-to see the harvest of choosing obedience in faith.

Read the rest here: Costly Obedience

Confluence: When What Was and What Is Flow Together

Although this specific incident happened some years ago, I experience the same flood of emotions at some point nearly every week.

I turn a corner or open a drawer or smell coffee or (rarely now) aftershave and suddenly memories mix with moments until I’m a mess.

There’s definitely a “before” and “after”-a date I can point to on the calendar when everything changed.

But the truth is that daily life is much more convoluted than that.
3 Melanie

Like most parents who have buried a child, a line is drawn through my life.

April 12, 2014 changed everything.

Whenever I hear a date or a memory drifts across my mind, I think, “that was so many days, months or years BEFORE or AFTER Dominic left us”. I can plot events on a calendar like I’m making a history timeline.

Put this one here and that one there. It seems so simple and straightforward

But daily life is much more complex.

I live in a world where “before” and “after” run together in a mighty torrent. And I can’t control the way they mix and churn.

Read the rest here: Confluence

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