Category: grief

Grief Work: A Video

In April I was privileged to share on the topic “Grief Work” with bereaved parents at the Our Hearts are Home Conference in Lynchburg, Virginia.

I’ll be honest, while I’m not generally anxious about speaking in public, the weightiness of the topic and the responsibility I felt to “get it right” led to many long hours agonizing over content and a few sleepless nights worrying about delivery.

It was recorded and is available on YouTube but I’ve been reticent to share it because:

  • I hate to see myself on camera even at a settled 60+ years of age (Oh, Vanity! Thy name is Woman!); and
  • it’s pretty long and I was afraid that it would overwhelm parents who, like me, now suffer from shorter attention spans.

But I recently posted it on my Facebook page and there has been positive response so here it is for anyone who would like to view it:

I plan to publish a series of posts based on my notes for this presentation which might be easier for some folks to access and use over the next few days so if you are interested in a deeper dive, look for those.

Our Hearts are Home has a number of videos available on their YouTube channel produced by and for bereaved parents on a variety of pertinent topics so if this one isn’t for you, there may well be another that speaks to your heart.

I’d also encourage you to think about registering for the upcoming October conference. There are in-person and online options available.

You can find out more here: https://ourheartsarehome.org/fall-conference

It’s always my hope and prayer that those hearts who gather here are encouraged and equipped to take the next breath, do the next thing and to cling to hope.

Surviving after my son ran ahead to Heaven is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

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I’m living proof that the God who made us, loves us and longs to come alongside to help us carry this heavy, heavy burden.

I’m here to walk with you, dear heart.

You are not alone.

It’s SO Important for Me to Tell My Story. It’s SO Important That You Listen.

Every time I tell the story of Dominic, it helps to keep him real.

It reminds my heart that he lived, that he mattered, that he matters still.

And in the telling, I am giving away a little bit of him for another heart to carry. 

His light is passed to another soul that can pass it to another and another.

Read the rest here: Why We Have to Tell Our Stories & Why We Need Someone to Listen

For Bereaved Parents, This Is A Challenging Time of Year…

This time of year is especially challenging for those of us who miss a child who has run ahead to Heaven.

Across social media parents are lamenting the changes (they feel like they are “losing” their child) a new school year brings.

It takes a LOT of self-control to refrain from commenting on their so sad posts and pointing out that while it may be more difficult to see/talk to/visit with their child, it’s not impossible.

Read the rest here:It Ain’t Over Til It’s Over

We Are Only Missed By Those We Love Well

Busyness has become a national idol-we rush from commitment to commitment, signing up to fill every single minute with something, anything that makes us feel important, valuable, irreplaceable.

Of course we have job and family obligations-as we should-but we don’t feel fully accomplished until we have colored in the edges of our calendar until no white space remains.

Because we think that if we don’t show up, people will miss us.  We think that if WE don’t do this or that, it won’t get done.  We are absolutely certain that our input is critical to the success of every mission, every committee, every project.

Can I let you in on a little secret?  It’s not.

One of the inconvenient and difficult truths that has been burned in my brain since Dominic ran ahead to Heaven is this:  his absence didn’t make a bit of difference to the world at large.

Read the rest here: Who’s Gonna Miss You Baby?

Let’s Talk About Grief, The Elephant in the Room

I’ve often been the person who refused to go along with some group’s plan to ignore a real issue and try to talk around it.  

I usually begin like this, “I know it’s hard to talk about, but let’s be honest and…”

I’m even more inclined in that direction now. If my son’s instant and untimely death has taught me anything, it’s taught me that there’s no use pretending.

So I’m not going to pretend:  Western society doesn’t do grief well. 

Read the rest here: The Elephant in the Room

Even on My Worst Days, Mustard Seed Faith is Enough

I didn’t grow up doing in-depth Bible studies so when I “discovered” the Bible in my early twenties, it was an exciting adventure to dig for treasure in the Word of God.

Along with Scripture itself, I devoured book after book on theology.

I could not get enough.

By my mid-thirties I had developed a fairly well-defined and defensible doctrine. I really thought I understood how God works in the world.

Then my son died.

Read the rest here: On My Worst Days, Mustard Seed Faith is Enough

Trust me, I Really DO Get It.

I write a lot about what bereaved parents (me!) wish others knew or understood about child loss and this Valley we are walking.  And I am thankful for every person outside the child loss community who chooses to read and heed what I write.

But I want to take a minute to tell those of you who are not part of this awful “club” that I get it-I really do get it–when you need to put distance between yourself and me or other people walking a broken road.

Read the rest here: I Get It-I Really DO Get It.

Here’s How You Can Love a Grieving Heart

Part of the reason I share my story is to provide insight for people who haven’t lost a child into the hearts and lives of those who have.

But mainly it is to be a voice for and to encourage other parents walking this valley by letting them know they aren’t alone, their feelings and experiences are perfectly normal and that just as welcoming a child into your family is a life-altering event, saying good-bye to a child is a life-altering event. 

We do not expect a mom to “get over” the changes having a baby brings to her everyday experience, and we should not expect a  bereaved mom to “get over” the changes burying one brings either.

Want to help?  Read:  Loving the Grieving Heart

STILL Dismantling the Past

It must be something about this time of year that prompts me to clean out corners and long neglected spaces in our home of more than a quarter century.

The extreme heat makes even the unsavory certainty I’ll run across painful memories more tolerable.

So here I am again-digging through boxes, papers and bits and pieces of “before”. Reminded that life requires work and grief makes it both more unavoidable and more difficult.

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I’ve spent the last two days rearranging our family room.

Since my husband has retired, we no longer use it as we once did and I realized a few weeks ago that it was ridiculous to have it set up the way it’s been for decades when our needs have drastically changed.

So we decided to tackle the job of sorting/moving/dismantling books, videos (yes, we still have a few!), DVDs, CDs and random other bits and pieces of a life long lived in the same place.

Read the rest here: Dismantling The Past

So…Can We Talk?

Can we talk about my missing son and quit pretending that just because he’s no longer present in the body, he’s not still part of my life?

Can we say his name without also looking down or away like his death is a shameful secret?

Can we share stories and memories and laughter and tears just as naturally about HIM as we do about anyone else?

Read the rest here: Can We Talk?