We all know how it is-you move, you lose an address or phone number, you lose touch.
But sometimes friendships end more abruptly-not because lives drifted apart but because one person became so uncomfortable she chose to walk the other way.
That’s what happens so often the other side of child loss. Friends disappear because loss makes them profoundly uncomfortable.
Read the rest here: HELP WANTED: Why Grievers Need Faithful Friends
I mentioned yesterday that I’d be spending the weekend at a retreat with other bereaved moms.
I chose the theme, “Broken into Beautiful, because I believe with my whole heart there is no yin/yang dual universe where darkness has power enough to overcome the light. Sin mars creation and wreaks havoc but even all that awful is being woven together into a tapestry of beauty and usefulness that one day will display the glory of God and His love for us.
I also believe that one must make a choice to invite God to transform pain into purpose through His comfort, hope, strength and grace.
So we are settling in this morning with our coffee, Bibles, journals and sweet, sweet time to read about, talk about and digest the promises of God in Christ that can lead us faithfully through the Valley of the Shadow of Death.
We will be exploring prayer-choosing to engage even when we don’t have anything to say and don’t want to listen; perspective-learning to trust truth over feelings; perseverance-doing the next right thing no matter how long the journey; and purpose-sharing our stories for the good of others and to the glory of God.
We will chat over meals and craft times (even for the non-crafty!).
We’ve got a jig saw puzzle going.
We will enjoy afternoon walks on dirt roads, evening campfires and plenty of time to pray with one another in quiet corners.
Every time I gather with moms in these intimate settings, I’m amazed by how the Spirit moves and hearts receive some measure of healing.
I can’t wait to see what He does in us this weekend.
I know it is hard. I know you don’t truly understand how I feel. You can’t. It wasn’t your child.
I know I may look and act like I’m “better”. I know that you would love for things to be like they were: BEFORE. But they aren’t.
I know my grief interferes with your plans. I know it is uncomfortable to make changes in traditions we have observed for years. But I can’t help it. I didn’t ask for this to be my life.
I know that every year I seem to need something different. I know that’s confusing and may be frustrating. But I’m working this out as I go. I didn’t get a “how to” manual when I buried my son. It’s new for me every year too.
Read the rest here: Grief and Holidays: What the Bereaved Need From Friends and Family
You don’t have to bury a child to know that changing long-standing family traditions around holidays is a hard, hard thing.
Just ask a parent trying to work out Thanksgiving and Christmas for the first time after an adult child marries. Suddenly the way things have “always been” are no longer the way things are.
Holidays typically involve so many more people and family members than everyday get-togethers and each person brings expectations, emotions and personal history to the table.
Read the rest here: Grief, Holidays and Hard Conversations
I’ve shared often in this space that when Dominic ran ahead to Heaven, one of the things I had to do was drag out everything I thought I knew about God, about how He works in the world and all the pat interpretations of familiar verses and hold them up to the cold, clear light of loss.
Today’s verses are some I had to think about carefully because they are so often tossed at grieving hearts like a magic cure for the pain of burying someone you love.
The church at Thessalonica was confused about some fundamental doctrines of the Christian faith. They were frightened they had missed Christ’s second coming and they were concerned about loved ones that had preceded them in death.
So Paul wrote this letter to remind them of truth and offer comfort in their emotional distress:
13-17 Now we don’t want you, my brothers, to be in any doubt about those who “fall asleep” in death, or to grieve over them like men who have no hope. After all, if we believe that Jesus died and rose again from death, then we can believe that God will just as surely bring with Jesus all who are “asleep” in him. Here we have a definite message from the Lord. It is that those who are still living when he comes will not in any way precede those who have previously fallen asleep. One word of command, one shout from the archangel, one blast from the trumpet of God and the Lord himself will come down from Heaven! Those who have died in Christ will be the first to rise, and then we who are still living on the earth will be swept up with them into the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And after that we shall be with him for ever.
18 God has given me this message on the matter, so by all means use it to encourage one another.I Thessalonians 4:13-18 PHILLIPS
This verse is quoted often to believers who have lost a loved one. At first, gently, sweetly–as an invitation to remember that God is in control, that He has a plan, that the grave is not victorious and that burying the body is not the end.
And, in the early days and weeks after the funeral, it IS comforting–I chanted it to myself like a mantra and it drew my heart from the brink of despair.
But at some point, this verse begins to feel like a rebuke–the well-meaning friend says, “Don’t you know, that Jesus followers don’t grieve like those who have no hope!”
And I turn, dumbfounded, to the person saying this, and wonder, “Have you buried a child?”
Have you grieved the too-soon, unexpected, violent end of your hopes and dreams without a chance to say, “good-bye”? Do you stand over the patch of dirt that now covers the buried body of your son and wonder how this happened? How can this be your life?
Do you wake up every morning and have that fraction of a moment where all is right with the world before your mind joins your eyes and reminds you that he is still gone?
But I am made of dust.
I am human. I am full of the emotions that God placed in my heart.
He gave me the capacity to embrace and love the tiny life growing inside me before I could see it or feel it. He made my child leap in my womb when I listened to praise music. He positioned Dominic as the third-born child in our family and gave him unique gifts and abilities.
And now He knows that as long as I live, I will grieve the son that I lost. I will sorrow anew when others his age reach milestones–get married, have children–because not only did I lose the Dominic that WAS, I have lost the Dominic THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN.
I do “grieve with hope”–I breathe in the life-affirming and spirit-filling promise that the reality I am living is not the only reality there is. I lean into the Word of God and trust in, rely on and affirm the victory of Jesus Christ.
But I still GRIEVE. I cannot force my heart to ignore the pain and sorrow that has been laid upon it.
So I continue to live each day, doing the work that God has left for me to do, but walking a little slower, a little more bowed down.
For those of us carrying this burden of grief, the greatest gift is grace and mercy and kindness–we are doing the best we can.
Encouragement (lending courage to) must include acknowledging our daily struggle and the lifelong commitment we have made to battle on.
Ask us, listen to the answers and then hold our hand or dry our tears.
But don’t expect us not to cry.
QUESTIONS:
PRAYER:
Father God,
Thank You that we can grieve with hope. Thank You that we have assurance Your promises are true. Thank You that death for believers in Jesus is NOT the end.
My child’s grave is not his or her final resting place. It’s his or her future resurrection site. On that glorious Day when Christ returns, death will be defeated forever. What a reunion that will be!
When I am deep in despair, sorrowing at this temporary separation, help me hold onto that truth. Give me strength to endure and grace to finish well. Eternity awaits! Come Lord Jesus!
Amen
I get it-you have no clue what it’s like to say good-bye to a life you’ve birthed and fully expected to outlast your own.
I don’t even imagine you can understand because I’m living it and still trying to figure it out.
But there are some things you can do to help me walk this awful and unfathomably painful path.
Please, please, please know that my child is STILL my child. He is still counted in our family’s number. She remains one of the nieces and one of the grandchildren when we diagram our family tree.
So when you talk to others or tally numbers don’t exclude them.
My last earthly child is not an “only child”. Our mother doesn’t just have “one grandson”.
I need you to say his name! I long for you to share a beloved memory without choking out the details like it’s a chore instead of a privilege.
Can we make space for tears and joy in our family celebrations?
Could you message me privately before announcing the joyous news YOUR earthbound child is getting married or having a child so I can prepare my heart for the onslaught of “congratulations” posted across social media?
It’s not that I envy (well, maybe a little) your life.
It’s just that you can’t fathom mine.
I didn’t just lose my child once at a single point in time. I lose him again every time there is a milestone or celebration or moment when he SHOULD be there but isn’t.
I’m not asking you to walk on eggshells. That’s unfair and unfruitful.
I AM asking you to learn a new way of speaking about my child in Heaven.
He still exists.
He still matters.
He’s still very much a part of our family AND yours.
When I first began sharing in this space I had absolutely NO IDEA that my words could reach so many hearts in so many places.
I was simply being as transparent as possible in the hopes that others who were walking this road would feel seen, heard and understood.
That was almost nine years ago!
To date, over four million people have visited the site and viewed at least one post.
I’ve gotten message after message from broken hearts who say essentially:
Thank you for telling the truth about child loss. Thank you for speaking honestly about your struggle with faith. Thank you for assuring me that light CAN shine again in darkness.
Sometime in January of this year, I felt the Lord was asking me to step out in faith and expand the ministry. I began prayerfully exploring what it might look like to form a non-profit corporation and seek 501(c)3 status so others could join me in blessing bereaved parents.
With fear and trembling, I filled out the paperwork and sent it into the ether, praying that every jot and tittle was correct.
To my joy and great surprise, I received notification that Heartache and Hope was a really, truly recognized ministry. What I’d been doing for almost a decade was now official!
So what doors are opening in this new chapter?
I’ll be hosting monthly in-person bereaved parent gatherings at my sweet little home church in rural Bibb County, Alabama. It’s an underserved community on every level and when Dominic ran ahead to Heaven there wasn’t a single resource within thirty miles. Too often bereaved parents convince themselves they are alone in their pain. I want to change that for those in my area.
I’m hosting and facilitating some small, intimate retreats for bereaved mothers at our family’s homestead in the Florida Panhandle. The first one is in October and is filled. I’ll be announcing others soon when the website is up. I hope to do these four times a year.
I am already scheduled to share in some other in-person bereaved parent groups in January. If you’d like me to come share in yours, let me know and we can get it on the calendar. (The donations received make it possible for me to do this without asking for travel funds.)
A couple of podcasts have contacted me to set up on-air chats that should be available in the next few months.
I’m working on editing and publishing some of the blog material into booklets that are easy to read and helpful as handouts for the newly bereaved and the not-so-newly bereaved. I will be able to provide these at minimal cost or for a small donation.
I would love the opportunity to speak to pastor groups, healthcare providers, hospice workers, social workers and others who are likely to be the first folks who interact with parents after loss. Please contact me if you know of such a group or can facilitate a gathering.
I will continue to partner with other ministries like Our Hearts are Home by facilitating online book studies and speaking at yearly conferences.
I plan to keep writing.
I am, and will always be, devoted to sharing honestly about my journey and encouraging other hearts along the way.
*If you would like to donate, you may click on the following link:https://square.link/u/cNen14Q1
In April I was privileged to share on the topic “Grief Work” with bereaved parents at the Our Hearts are Home Conference in Lynchburg, Virginia.
I’ll be honest, while I’m not generally anxious about speaking in public, the weightiness of the topic and the responsibility I felt to “get it right” led to many long hours agonizing over content and a few sleepless nights worrying about delivery.
It was recorded and is available on YouTube but I’ve been reticent to share it because:
But I recently posted it on my Facebook page and there has been positive response so here it is for anyone who would like to view it:
I plan to publish a series of posts based on my notes for this presentation which might be easier for some folks to access and use over the next few days so if you are interested in a deeper dive, look for those.
Our Hearts are Home has a number of videos available on their YouTube channel produced by and for bereaved parents on a variety of pertinent topics so if this one isn’t for you, there may well be another that speaks to your heart.
I’d also encourage you to think about registering for the upcoming October conference. There are in-person and online options available.
You can find out more here: https://ourheartsarehome.org/fall-conference
It’s always my hope and prayer that those hearts who gather here are encouraged and equipped to take the next breath, do the next thing and to cling to hope.
Surviving after my son ran ahead to Heaven is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I’m living proof that the God who made us, loves us and longs to come alongside to help us carry this heavy, heavy burden.
I’m here to walk with you, dear heart.
You are not alone.
Every time I tell the story of Dominic, it helps to keep him real.
It reminds my heart that he lived, that he mattered, that he matters still.
And in the telling, I am giving away a little bit of him for another heart to carry.
His light is passed to another soul that can pass it to another and another.
Read the rest here: Why We Have to Tell Our Stories & Why We Need Someone to Listen
It’s still dark here.
The days are getting perceptibly shorter for those of us tuned in to the turning of the earth and the passing of the seasons.
But the light is coming. It always does.
And that is what I have clung to in these more-than-ten years since Dominic ran ahead to Heaven. That’s what compels me to write.
I want every hurting heart to know that the night doesn’t last forever.
It’s also why today I have something exciting (and scary, if I’m honest!) to tell you: I’ve created an official ministry for the work I do here and on Facebook through Heartache and Hope (https://www.facebook.com/heartacheandhope/).
The Lord planted a vision in my heart awhile ago to expand into new territory.
I am a quiet person who longs only to stay (mostly) in my home and surrounding area. I once loved traveling but now only really enjoy it in the company of family to low-key destinations that afford plenty of space and natural beauty.
But I am stepping out into uncomfortable places and trusting my Shepherd King to provide the means and direction to journey on.
I’m not one to appropriate Old Testament verses to justify current choices but I do absolutely believe that He nudges us to spread out and to reach further than we might choose to do in our flesh.
So, like Jabez, I pray:
Oh that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory! Let Your hand be with me, and keep me from the evil one.”
And God granted his request.
I Chronicles 4: 9, 10
The ministry is called “Heartache and Hope” and is a federally recognized 501(c)3 non profit so donations are fully tax deductible to the extent allowed by law.
This is my hope and heart for this new endeavor:
If you host a local group and are interested in my coming to share with you in person, please feel free to DM me. I can’t promise to accept every invitation, but I am going to accept as many as I can.
Along with the blog, public page and private bereaved parents’ group, I am working on a website with resources, links to other excellent ministries and graphics for sharing. There will also be a way to donate and to contact the ministry online. (Look for that in the next week or so!)
Until then, I am including a QR code at the end of this post and will also share it on my personal and public Facebook pages if you feel led to join me in this endeavor.
I won’t be making appeals or sending emails or selling products because I trust that what the Lord births in a heart, He brings to fruition. Other than periodic updates on where He is leading and how He is providing, nothing will change in this space.
I am, and will always be, devoted to sharing honestly about my journey and encouraging other hearts along the way.
*If you would like to donate, you may scan this QR code or click on the following link:https://square.link/u/cNen14Q1
thelifeididntchoose 