One of the reasons I founded Heartache and Hope, the ministry, was to be able to provide safe spaces-online and in person-for bereaved parents to gather because so often grief is excluded from our tables.
Most holiday celebrations don’t lend themselves to broken hearts expressing how very hard it is to bear up under the pressure to be hap-hap-happy while grieving the loss of a child.
To be honest, I doubt any degree of education or advocacy will change that on a larger scale.
But I want Heartache and Hope to make a difference in our own local community by hosting a “Blue Christmas” service at my home church in Bibb County, Alabama.
So,if you are able, join me Thursday, December 5th at 6:00 PM for an evening of gentle worship, remembrance and prayer-looking to Jesus, the Light of the World and the true meaning of Christmas.
The people who had been living in darkness have seen a great light. The light of life has shined on those who dwelt in the shadowy darkness of death.
~ Isaiah 9:1
My desire is that together we lean into the hope of the Promised One who came as a babe so long ago.
Don’t drag your heart through Advent feeling unseen, unheard and unloved.
Last month was a wonderful opportunity for ministry firsts!
I hosted the first retreat for bereaved moms and it was a great blessing.
Five women shared their stories, their children and studied the Word of God for several gloriously unhurried days.
We had four structured sessions along with craft time, meals, long chats on the front porch and around a campfire, as well as casual conversation in between. We even caught a rare appearance of the Northern Lights in the Panhandle of Florida!
We ended the last evening with a candlelit time of remembrance.
Each mom (by her own report) came away encouraged, refreshed and better equipped to do the work grief requires. Laughter and tears in abundance!
Thanks to generous donations it was provided at no cost to those in attendance.
Four more retreats will be offered next year so look for dates to be released soon on the website if you’d like to attend.
A few days after returning home, my husband and I hosted the first in-person support group meeting here in Bibb County, Alabama.
There was a light supper and got to know one another a little over our meal. We talked about our children and some tips for surviving the holidays with a broken heart.
Ten parents attended and several came from quite a distance to be there. All expressed gratitude for a safe space where grief was welcome and hope was shared.
There are no other nearby groups for parent in our area so I look forward to hosting these on the third Thursday of most months.
You’ll be able to find the dates under the “Events” section of the website as well as on Facebook.
In January I will share some thoughts on how our perception of time changes after loss and how turning a calendar page can be difficult.
I continue to be humbled by the many individuals-both bereaved parents and those who love them-who message, give and contribute in some way to the this ministry.
I’m still a little overwhelmed with the administration of details but am learning better how to do those things proficiently and in less time.
Who knew you CAN teach an old dog (or at least an older woman!) new tricks?
I figured out how to edit the website and add events with details and the opportunity to RSVP
I am publishing some previously published blog posts directly to Heartache and Hope and sharing them on Facebook which helps raise the profile of the ministry.
I added a direct link in that blog section to thelifeididntchoose.com so folks can find the more than 3,000 posts archived there.
I created a section of downloadable resources that can be accessed and printed from anywhere. Please feel free to download and share these with other bereaved parents or those who love them or minister to them.
I ordered business cards for Heartache and Hope with a QR code for donations on the back. I’ll be handing these to folks at conferences, speaking engagements and when I’m out and about.
Some days I spend all day tracking down tips, asking more tech savvy friends or family for help or simply googling how to undo a giant mess I made trying to make something better.
But I’m truly excited to have the time and energy to invest in reaching out in a new way to bereaved parents.
So what can you do to help the ministry continue to grow?
PRAY! For wisdom, strength, endurance and obedience to follow the Lord where He leads me. Also pray for every heart seeking solace, that the Lord will bring them to this ministry or one of the many others pointing to the hope found in Jesus Christ.
CLICK, CLICK, CLICK! On the website (you don’t even have to read anything) so Google Analytics notices and begins to return it in searches made by bereaved parents.
SHARE, SHARE, SHARE! The website, this blog site, the public Facebook page to help get the word out.
Child loss has been my greatest challenge, my deepest pain and my most profound misery.
But is has also been the very place God has met me with the greatest comfort, the deepest compassion and the most profound revelation of Who He is.
In spite of everything I’ve endured, my hope remains unshaken and unshakeable.
The comfort I have received is now mine to give to others.
I am oh, so grateful for your partnership, prayers and encouragement that is making it possible.
May the Lord richly bless you as you have blessed me.
***If you would like me to share with your online or in-person group in 2025, feel free to message me on Facebook Messenger or drop me an email at Godsgrdnr@gmail.com. I’m working on my calendar now and will accept as many invitations as time, energy and resources allow. ***
It’s a nearly universal human tendency to try to fit another’s experience into our own.
Even though I try hard not to, I still often find myself saying things like, “I know just how you feel” or, “This worked for me, it ought to work for you”.
Trouble is, grief is as individual as a fingerprint.
A few years ago, I had a grace-filled, heartwarming visit with another bereaved mama who came all the way from Maine just to hang out with me. And that was so, so good.
As she and I shared over coffee and tea, shopping and meals, lounging and walking we found so many ways in which our journeys have been similar even though the details are really very different.
One is this: There was a distinct moment along the way when each of us began to see light and color again in the midst of our darkness and pain and it was a turning point.
Gratitude is important. It is (in my opinion) a necessary ingredient for a healthy and hope-filled and useful life. It is the key to any real happiness a heart might find on this broken road.
But it cannot fill up the empty place where Dominic used to be.
Grief does not preclude gratitude.
Although some broken hearts swear it does. They have convinced themselves that if they cannot have the one thing they really want, then nothing else matters.
I try to limit the time I spend perusing old photos and old social media posts of my missing son.
I’ve learned that while they remind me of sweet memories and happy times they also prick my heart in ways nothing else can.
I was looking for something specific the other day and had to scroll through Dominic’s Facebook page to find it. As I did, I began reading some of the back and forth comments under the posts and pictures.
This time it wasn’t what was said or where the photos were taken that hurt my heart.
Instead it was the tiny little time stamp underneath the words that took my breath away.
I barely remember the very first holiday season after Dominic ran ahead to Heaven.
What I DO remember is that it was nearly as hard as the day we laid him to rest.
I had no idea how to carry this heartache into a season of light and laughter. There just didn’t seem to be any room for grief at the table.
Eleven years later and I’m a little better at it.
You can find many posts about Grief and Holidays on this site. Many of you have read them and I pray they help your hearts.
This year, I’m excited to be partnering with a sister ministry, http://ourheartsarehome.org, to offer a webinar on November 7th from 7:30-8:30 PM (EST).
I and several other seasoned bereaved parents will share a bit about how to navigate this difficult time of year AND how to include our children in family gatherings.
It promises to be a time of encouragement and hope.
thelifeididntchoose 